Read the following essay and answer the question, “Why do you believe Mrs. Price acted the way she did?”
Feel free to submit your essay below for review or contribute your thoughts on other essays posted. Both activities will help you prepare for the exam and the more you contribute, the more you will get out of this section.
BCA ESSAY PROMT
Eleven
Sandra Cisneros
What they don’t understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you’re eleven, you’re also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don’t. You open your eyes and everything’s just like yesterday, only it’s today. And you don’t feel eleven at all. You feel like you’re still ten. And you are—underneath the year that makes you eleven.
Like some days you might say something stupid, and that’s the part of you that’s still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama’s lap because you’re scared, and that’s the part of you that’s five. And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you’re three, and that’s okay. That’s what I tell Mama when she’s sad and needs to cry. Maybe she’s feeling three.
Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That’s how being eleven years old is.
You don’t feel eleven. Not right away. It takes a few days, weeks even, sometimes even months before you say Eleven when they ask you. And you don’t feel smart eleven, not until you’re almost twelve. That’s the way it is.
Only today I wish I didn’t have only eleven years rattling inside me like pennies in a tin Band-Aid box. Today I wish I was one hundred and two instead of eleven because if I was one hundred and two I’d have known what to say when Mrs. Price put the red sweater on my desk. I would’ve known how to tell her it wasn’t mine instead of just sitting there with that look on my face and nothing coming out of my mouth.
“Whose is this?” Mrs. Price says, and she holds the red sweater up in the air for all the class to see. “Whose? It’s been sitting in the coatroom for a month.”
“Not mine,” says everybody, “Not me.””It has to belong to somebody,” Mrs. Price keeps saying, but nobody can remember. It’s an ugly sweater with red plastic buttons and a collar and sleeves all stretched out like you could use it for a jump rope. It’s maybe a thousand years old and even if it belonged to me I wouldn’t say so.
Maybe because I’m skinny, maybe because she doesn’t like me, that stupid Sylvia Saldivar says, “I think it belongs to Rachel.” An ugly sweater like that all raggedy and old, but Mrs. Price believes her. Mrs Price takes the sweater and puts it right on my desk, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out.
“That’s not, I don’t, you’re not . . . Not mine.” I finally say in a little voice that was maybe me when I was four.
“Of course it’s yours,” Mrs. Price says. “I remember you wearing it once.” Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.
Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I’m feeling sick inside, like the part of me that’s three wants to come out of my eyes, only I squeeze them shut tight and bite down on my teeth real hard and try to remember today I am eleven, eleven. Mama is making a cake for me for tonight, and when Papa comes home everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you.
But when the sick feeling goes away and I open my eyes, the red sweater’s still sitting there like a big red mountain. I move the red sweater to the corner of my desk with my ruler. I move my pencil and books and eraser as far from it as possible. I even move my chair a little to the right. Not mine, not mine, not mine.
In my head I’m thinking how long till lunchtime, how long till I can take the red sweater and throw it over the schoolyard fence, or leave it hanging on a parking meter, or bunch it up into a little ball and toss it in the alley. Except when math period ends Mrs. Price says loud and in front of everybody, “Now, Rachel, that’s enough,” because she sees I’ve shoved the red sweater to the tippy-tip corner of my desk and it’s hanging all over the edge like a waterfall, but I don’t care.
“Rachel,” Mrs. Price says. She says it like she’s getting mad. “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.”
“But it’s not—”
“Now!” Mrs. Price says.
This is when I wish I wasn’t eleven because all the years inside of me—ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one—are pushing at the back of my eyes when I put one arm through one sleeve of the sweater that smells like cottage cheese, and then the other arm through the other and stand there with my arms apart like if the sweater hurts me and it does, all itchy and full of germs that aren’t even mine.
That’s when everything I’ve been holding in since this morning, since when Mrs. Price put the sweater on my desk, finally lets go, and all of a sudden I’m crying in front of everybody. I wish I was invisible but I’m not. I’m eleven and it’s my birthday today and I’m crying like I’m three in front of everybody. I put my head down on the desk and bury my face in my stupid clown-sweater arms. My face all hot and spit coming out of my mouth because I can’t stop the little animal noises from coming out of me until there aren’t any more tears left in my eyes, and it’s just my body shaking like when you have the hiccups, and my whole head hurts like when you drink milk too fast.
But the worst part is right before the bell rings for lunch. That stupid Phyllis Lopez, who is even dumber than Sylvia Saldivar, says she remembers the red sweater is hers! I take it off right away and give it to her, only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay.
Today I’m eleven. There’s a cake Mama’s making for tonight and when Papa comes home from work we’ll eat it. There’ll be candles and presents and everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, Rachel, only it’s too late.
I’m eleven today. I’m eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one, but I wish I was one hundred and two. I wish I was anything but eleven, because I want today to be far away already, far away like a runaway balloon, like a tiny o in the sky, so tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see it.
“Why do you believe Mrs. Price acted the way she did?”
Your essay should be well-organized and include support from the story for your main ideas.
If commenting on the essays please remember the rules and stick with positive suggestions that can help the author. Focus on the essay structure and quality. The following guidelines are by no means compete, but can serve as a guide for useful suggestions.
- Quality and impact of thesis statement and opening paragraph. This may be the most important paragraph. Does it provide a roadmap for the essay?
- Supporting paragraphs. Do these follow the outline of the 1st paragraph? Do they use explicit examples and not deviate unnecessarily from topic?
- Prose. Are the sentences direct and effective with proper grammar and correct spelling?
- Conclusion. Perhaps the least important paragraph. Does it wrap it all up?
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Mrs. Price wants to move on with class after unfairly burdening Rachel with the sweater. The protagonist denies she owns the sweater, but Mrs. Price does not care and is moving to page thirty-two. The sweater is described as, “an ugly sweater… and even if it belonged to me I wouldn’t say so.” Therefore, Mrs. Price does not consider the repercussions, such as bullying, her students may face for carrying such a sweater. Mrs. Price’s lack of care and thought for her students is clearly depicted through this paragraph.
Mrs. Price pays no mind to her student’s emotional state, even when blatantly obvious. The main character is flustered when given the sweater, yet Mrs. Price pays no mind. Instead, Mrs. Price combats Rachel’s denial, and the main character feels berated. This is reaffirmed when Mrs. Price barks at Rachel to put on the sweater. Rachel’s tipping point is met, and she starts crying; however, another students claims the sweater. Mrs. Price, once again, pays no mind to her student’s emotions.
Mrs. Price acts slightly condescending towards her students throughout the story. The teacher feels the need to address, readdress, and force a child to cry over a sweater in the first palace. She firmly believes her word is absolute law by saying, “I remember you [Rachel] wearing it once.” This depicts Mrs. Price’s unnerving nature because we know that it is not Rachel’s sweater at the end. Mrs. Price forces Rachel to wear the sweater after repeatedly being told it was not Rachel’s. This is due to the teacher’s ‘I am always correct’ nature that translates poorly onto the students.
Overall, I believe Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she has little care for her student’s mental and physical state. Mrs. Price forces Rachel through a great ordeal on her birthday over a sweater. The teacher just wants to move on with class without regard for Rachel’s feelings. Mrs. Price doesn’t even bat an eye when Rachel cries in front of the entire class. These reasons clearly showcase why Mrs. Price acted the way she did.
Good attempt at an essay response. Keep them coming!
I think this essay offers a solid outline for a 5 paragraph essay response. In paragraph 1, you begin with a thesis sentence and touch upon the ideas to follow.
I. Mrs Price doesn’t care about her students’ emotional well-being
1. She wants to move on with class
2. She ignores her students’ feelings
3. She is condescending
I like the outline and how the three points form the basis of the three following paragraphs. I might suggest some sort of scene setting sentence to begin, but that isn’t essential. I think the 1st paragraph could improve by offering more details from the story showing how Mrs. Price was more focused on rushing through class. What does, “moving onto page 32” signify? Expand on the idea and perhaps offer up another example or two. The body paragraphs might be an area where you could improve your essay next time. The conclusion is a good summary of points discussed including a restatement of the thesis sentence. Be careful about staying consistent with your tense.
Overall, this is a very good first attempt.
It was nice story but he grammer and why she was so happy didn’t get acrros to me
Ok Shiva. Thank you for commenting. I assume you mean you are not sure why she is so unhappy. What do you mean the grammar of the story did not get across to you? The topic you will be required to write about may not be clear or it may not be a story you like, however, you will have to write an essay about the story provided for the exam. Perhaps this is a good case where it would be a good idea to make an attempt to write your own essay for practice?
Essay
Mrs. Price likes to get the last say in discussions. Rachel feebly told Mrs. Price that it was not hers, but Mrs, Price wanting to be right said, “I remember you wearing this once.” That confirmed it was Rachel’s since she was older. When Mrs. Price saw that Rachel put the sweater on the edge of the desk and was not touching it, she wanted to have her put it on. Mrs. Price pretended to be angry and told Rachel to put it on. Rachel felt depressed, but she had to listen to the teacher.
Mrs. Price does not care about her students feelings. Rachel refused the sweater, but Mrs. Price gave it to her and then told her to put it on. Rachel then started crying and Phyllis Lopez said that the sweater was hers. Mrs. Price did not even apologize to Rachel about the sweater and did not care that she cried. Mrs. Price just went on pretending that the sweater incident never happened. That shows how little Mrs. Price cared about her students.
Getting work done quickly mattered to Mrs. Price. She wanted to get started quickly, so she gave the sweater to Rachel not caring who’s it was. Whenever Mrs. Price told the students something she expected it to be done. She showed that when she told Rachel to put on the sweater. After the sweater was returned to the rightful owner Mrs. Price immediately made the students start working again not caring that Rachel was just crying.
Mrs. Price liked to be in charge and give orders to her students. She did not care about how her students felt and did not care that they cried or were feeling sad. She only cared that they were working hard and getting smarter. That is what she considered her job as teacher was. Tp Mrs. Price what mattered was school work and having order in the class not how her students felt.
Much better essay structure this time. Good improvement! The 1st paragraph is not just a recap, but has a thesis sentence and three supporting ideas. The body paragraphs follow up on those ideas and the conclusion tries to wrap it all up.
My suggestions would be as follows. I would clarify how my thesis sentence answers the question at hand. e.g. Mrs. Price behaved the way she did because she had to be the boss. You also don’t really mention in that 1st paragraph why giving the sweater to Rachel is “authoritarian” (not authority). A simple addition like “Despite Rachel’s protest, Mrs. Price gave the sweater to Rachel…” That would set up the idea that Mrs. Price is all those things you mention at the paragraph end.
In the 2nd paragraph you give an example via a quote from the story. Good. The sentence, “confirmed it was Rachel’s since she is older…” Since who is older? Rachel? Mrs. Price? Be very careful about pronouns and antecedents. It is not clear who the “she” is and they will look out for that kind of mistake on the exam. In the 3rd paragraph, I would try to use a transition word or phrase. “In addition” to being authoritarian Mrs. Price isn’t sensitive to student feelings…or some such. She made her cry and did not apologize are good examples, but you really need to pull some evidence directly from the story. Don’t just say it in your words. Show it from the text. Also, again you are using the same example; Mrs. Price told her to put it on. You use that example again in 4th paragraph so every body para uses the same example event. Find other examples to support your case. In the 4th paragraph no need for a comma after quickly and it is “whose” not “who’s”. In fact, that 4th paragraph (3rd body paragraph) kind of mixes up ideas. It should be giving examples of Mrs. Price giving priority to moving along quickly, but instead it just repeats an example and talks about Rachel crying which belongs in the Mrs Price is uncaring paragraph above it. Stay on point for that paragraph. Explain and show via examples how Mrs. Price prioritizes moving quickly. The conclusion is good except for the sentence “that is what she considered her job was”. It should read “what she considered her job to be”, but I personally would eliminate the whole sentence. You never really explored what Mrs. Price thought about her own job. That is a whole new claim and could get you into trouble in the essay. Stay on point!
My main suggestions are build up your body paragraphs with more quotes and actual examples from the text, make sure you stay on point in each paragraph (that can be tricky because it is a sub-topic of the entire essay), and watch your grammar and spelling.
Throughout the short story, it is made clear that Mrs. Price does not respect the feelings of her students. She embarrassed Rachel to the point of tears, and did not stop there. Even when it was obvious that Rachel was upset, Mrs. Price commanded, “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.” There was no point in doing this besides to flaunt her authority. In addition, Mrs. Price did not admit that she was wrong when Phyllis Lopez admitted that the sweater was hers. She refused to comfort Rachel, like a good teacher would do. It is without a doubt that Mrs. Price did not care about her student’s well-being.
Furthermore, Mrs. Price wanted to continue on with class. She believed that math problems were more important than one child’s feelings. This can be clearly seen when Mrs. Price quickly dismissed Rachel’s arguments and turned to “page thirty-two, and math problem four.” While learning certainly is what school is for, the mental state of an eleven-year-old is far more important. Mrs. Price acted wrongly when she degraded Rachel because she cared more about learning than one student’s feelings.
In many sections of the story, Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she was extremely stubborn. Whenever Rachel tried to explain something, Mrs. Price would not listen. Even when it was obvious that the sweater did not belong to Rachel, the teacher refused to admit defeat. Instead, she pretended that everything was okay. All of Mrs. Price’s behavior is explained by the fact that she had a very stubborn personality.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price acted the way she did due to many factors. She humiliated Rachel because she did not care about Rachel’s state of mind. Moreover, Mrs. Price did not want to waste class time because of a single student. She also was extremely stubborn and refused to acknowledge that she was wrong. Clearly, Mrs. Price acted the way she did for several reasons.
Very good essay with definite improvements from previous submissions. Great job! I like the intro paragraph. It begins with a brief backdrop and then clearly states your thesis and three supporting arguments. Mrs. Price has a bad character marked by her 1. lack of feelings 2. focus on own agenda 3. stubborn attitude. My only comment is related to “acted extremely rudely”. I am not sure what to replace it with, but in my opinion if you can replace a phrase with adverbs with a simpler word I would do so. e.g. drinking very quickly should be gulp.
The first body paragraph is your strongest and provides the most supporting detail. It is well written with one possible exception and follows fluently from your topic paragraph. The sentence “There was no point in doing this besides to flaunt her authority.” … I would try to rephrase it more simply. She only did this to flaunt her authority?
The 2nd and 3rd body paragraphs follow cleanly on point. They provide examples. Not as abundantly as the 1st, but that is to be expected especially in a time constrained essay and you clearly focused your effort into the most important spot; the 1st body paragraph. The conclusion is also clean and precise up until he very last sentence which repeats the first sentence in the conclusion. Instead of again saying she acted for several reasons which doesn’t really tell the reader much, perhaps indicate that Mrs. Price demonstrated her ill character in these several ways. Overall, my points are relatively minor. Excellent essay.
Essay
To start, Mrs. Price acted harshly towards Rachel because she didn’t value Rachel’s feelings. In the story, when Sylvia Saldivar said, “ I think it belongs to Rachel,” the teacher immediately allocated the sweater to Rachel. Rachel denied the sweater being hers, but despite her rejecting it, Mrs. Price said that she remembered Rachel wearing it once. Mrs. Price didn’t even consider Rachel’s words and just went about her business continuing with the lesson. Also, when Phyllis Lopez claimed that she remember that the sweater was hers, Mrs. Price didn’t even apologize for her obnoxious behavior. She pretended like everything was alright and felt like she had no obligation to regret forcing Rachel to wear the sweater, even if she had a bad conscience. This showed how little Mrs. Price cared for her student’s well being.
Additionally, Mrs. Price didn’t want to waste time arguing with Rachel. In the story, after forcing Rachel to put the sweater on, she continued with her math lesson. Rachel was thinking to herself, “ not mine, not mine, not mine,” but Mrs. Price refused to feel sympathetic for the poor child she just offended publicly and acted like nothing happened, so she continued teaching. This shows Mrs. Price cared more about teaching rather than each and every individual. Mrs. Price definitely doesn’t care for her students individually but only cared for them as a class that she was meant to teach, not coddle.
Finally, Mrs. Price felt like she had more authority over Rachel. In the story, Rachel expressed how she felt about the situation. “Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” Rachel knew Mrs. Price was abusing her power as teacher since Rachel didn’t stand up for herself. This shows how selfish and self-obsessed Mrs. Price is. Furthermore, Rachel wished she was 102-years old. She wanted to be 102 because she could’ve stood up for herself if she had knowledge of what to do in this situation. Also, she would be the older person, not Mrs. Price. This demonstrated why Mrs. Price acted the way she did.
All in all, Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she had no positive feelings for Rachel. Mrs. Price didn’t feel obligated enough the say sorry to Rachel. Mrs. Price also didn’t feel like the matter was important enough to waste class time on it. And Mrs. Price was stubborn and felt her decisions were better than considering her student’s thoughts. This is why Mrs. Price acted offensively towards Rachel.
cool
I like the use of your vocabulary right out of the gate…churlishly. Not enough students demonstrate this ability and I think it will be viewed as a big plus. They want you to demonstrate that you have a strong vocabulary and you didn’t overdo it unnecesarily. You simply conveyed to the reader…yes I have a vocabulary in my quiver of arrows. Expect a strong essay. Let’s move on.
I have mixed feelings about the line “Mrs. Price decided to (pester Margot?….) rather than just let it stay in the closet. While it follows “no teacher would pester” earlier in the sentence I kind of wanted to see some mention of a synonym or the idea pester again. That may just be my take. Again your organization is very good so I will skip the specifics. One thing I really like is the detail in the body paragraphs. This time it isn’t just the choice of quotes you use, but I like the touch of using the proper names. It gives me the sense you are in command of the story. In the 2nd body para like above there is a missing reference, “Mrs. Price cared more about teaching rather than (caring about…) each and every individual”. On second read it is okay. I like your transitions again. Another very good essay. Keep up the effort!
As I said before, Mrs. Price does not care about the mental state of the children. This makes sense because she didn’t have a second thought about yelling at Rachel. She also didn’t talk to Rachel when she started crying. During all these events, she just acted like nothing was happening. This proves that she does not care about the mental and emotional state of the class. Because, if she did care about the mental state of the children, she wouldn’t have been so rude and judgemental towards them.
Another reason that Mrs. Price acted the way she did was because she always needs to be right. If she is not right, she just acts like nothing ever happened to avoid humiliation. If she wasn’t such a narcissist, she would’ve have apologized to Rachel for making a false claim about who the sweater belonged to. She also wouldn’t have forced Rachel to take or wear the sweater. Since she only cared about being right, she made Rachel feel very sad.
The last reason I think Mrs. Price acted the way she did was because she was older and thought she was doing the right thing. As you get older, you get wiser (hopefully) and Mrs. Price probably thought she knew what she was doing. In this situation, her pride and ego clouded her judgement to make a bad decision. Even when she made a bad decision, she would’ve apologized, but because of her ego, she didn’t. Since she wanted to be done with everything quickly and without getting embarrassed, she thought the best way to do this was to force the sweater on Rachel.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price does not have a huge heart toward her students. She doesn’t treat them properly at all and she doesn’t care about their feelings. She also has quite a bit of an ego and a lot of pride which gives her a know-it-all attitude. Underneath, she might like her students, but her reactions to events shows that she doesn’t. Overall, Mrs. Price could have acted this way for many reasons, but her outlook shows that she doesn’t care about the well being of her students.
I think Ms.Price also abused her position as a teacher. Being a teacher does allow you to reprimand your students and give them suggestions, but I think Ms. Price went a little too far. She payed no mind to what Rachel was saying and used her power that came from being a teacher to convince Rachel to take the sweater and be quiet. “ ‘I remember you wearing it once.’ Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This shows Rachel’s feelings toward this situation. Because Ms.Price is her teacher, and because she’s the older one, Rachel unwillingly agrees to take the sweater, even though it’s not hers. “ ‘But it’s not-’ ‘Now!’ Ms.Price says,” This shows how Ms.Price is misusing her capability, and is going to extreme measures to make sure Rachel puts the sweater on.
Ms.Price was also frustrated with the situation and ready to move on with the class. Unaware of Rachel’s mental state, she continued onto page 32, problem 4 on their work. Ms.Price payed no attention to Rachel, and definitely did not care about her student’s well being, mentally and emotionally. Without any forethought, she resumed the class. “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Ms.Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” This proves how Ms.Price continues with her class without considering Rachel’s objection to take the sweater.
Ms.Price also is very inconsiderate towards her students. She hell bent on making Rachel agree that the repulsive sweater is hers. She forces the sweater onto her desk, and in the end, seeing Rachel’s reaction, makes Rachel wear it. During the whole situation, Rachel tries her best to contain the sickening feeling in her stomach, but in the end, she couldn’t take the pressure.When Rachel cries in front of the whole class, Ms.Price pays no mind. She doesn’t try to console her, when the reason Rachel is crying is her fault. Then, Right before the bell rings for lunch, a student in her class, Phyllis Lopez remembers the sweater is hers. Rachel immediately gives it to her. Ms.Price stays silent through all of this, and doesn’t apologize for her mistake. “I take it off right away and give it to her, Only Ms.Price pretends like anythings okay,” This proves the teacher’s indifference to the students. She doesn’t consider Rachel’s state and moves on like nothing happens.
In conclusion, I think Ms.Price acted the way she did because of many factors. Ms.Price overlooks the regulations and goes too far, and forces Rachel to take the ugly red sweater as her own. She also didn’t pay attention to Rachel. In hurry of continuing the class, she doesn’t give Rachel a second thought and proceeds with their math lesson. Finally, Ms.Price ignores her mistakes. Even though she was wrong, she doesn’t apologize for her miss actions and goes on with the class. She omits the fact that Rachel was crying and acted as if nothing had happened. She was stubborn, and acted on her thoughts. This is why I think Ms.Price acted the way she did to Rachel.
Firstly, Mrs. Price wants to prove that she is in control to enforce her superiority within the classroom. She does this by finally solving the sweater dilemma that has lasted a month. “It’s been sitting in the coatroom for a month,” was what Mrs. Price said. Moreover, she eventually gives this sweater to and tells her to keep it so that the students in her class essentially know who is in charge. She doesn’t care if some small eleven year-old is complaining; Mrs. Price wants to give her students the message of whose boss.
To add to that, as the reader, we can really that Mrs. Price gives her the sweater to enforce superiority when Mrs. Price refuses to believe that she did the wrong thing of assuming that the ugly red sweater that Rachel had to wear was Rachel’s. Rachel recalls this memory is saying, “I take it (red sweater) off right away and give it to her (Sylvia Saldivar), only Mrs. Price pretends everything’s okay.” Mrs. Price denies that she did any wrong so that she can show to her students that she is essentially flawless, that there is a reason that the students in her class should follow her. Of course Mrs. Price would feel embarrassed; anyone would after making a mistake, but instead Mrs. Price denies this to show that she is in control.
Moreover, Mrs. Price gave that sweater to Rachel to prove her superiority in two steps where she first wanted to prove her control, and then avoid embarrassment. Mrs. Price was all in all what every teacher wants to be, a dominant figure within the classroom. Ultimately, she did achieve being dominant, but not without making a mistake and hurting the feelings of one of her students.
Overall, very good outline. I like the scene setting sentence for the intro, Your thesis statement is clear toward the end as are the reasons. I am not sure there is ample evidence that Rachel “hated” Mrs. Price although she clearly doesn’t feel warm butterflies for the teacher. I will ignore that point as it isn’t central to the thesis, but always be careful of too extreme statements unless you can support them. I like the transitions and you stay on point in the two supporting body paragraphs. I might add some supporting details to expand and improve those body paragraphs especially since you have only two and not the standard three. For example, in body paragraph 1 maybe show us how and why Rachel is complaining rather than just tell us some 11 year is complaining. In the 2nd body paragraph, you never really state the sweater was proven not to be Rachel’s and why it isn’t okay. You just indicate Rachel gave it to Sylvia and the teacher pretended all was good. Maybe expand on that for the reader. You may know you are referring to something or that a particular point seems obvious from the story, but be careful to be specific and clear. The reader will not necessarily see what you do unless you explain it to them. The conclusion wraps it up except for one point. You raise a new point that every teacher wants to be dominant. I hope a lot of teachers, and possibly the one who grades your essay, will disagree. That is another extreme statement not supported.
As for grammar and word choices, at the end of the intro you use a semicolon. The added points are full sentences by themselves…maybe a colon is more appropriate? Same idea at the end of the next paragraph, but there you use the word “whose” when I think you mean “who is” boss. The start of the 2nd body paragraph, “add to that…we can really (tell) that Mrs. Price…” I think there is a missing word. Also, again be careful the reader can “really tell”. That is again a trap many students fall into. Try not to generalize. Instead be specific and state (and prove) your point that Mrs. Price is feeling superior without the generalization. You do give an example that follows, but that just shows Mrs. Price is incorrect. Doesn’t it take a little more to show superiority? I forgot to mention I really like the idea you raised that Mrs. Price is embarrassed. This is a unique idea and quite possibly correct. It shows you can put yourself in other’s shoes and see a more nuanced reality than the typical bad, unfeeling Mrs. Price essay. I wish you expanded on that point and maybe made it a paragraph on its own. In the conclusion, I think you need commas around, “Mrs.Price was, all in all, what every…” and I would maybe say “she did achieve dominance (rather than being dominant)”. Keep up the effort.
One reason why Mrs. Price acted like that towards Rachel is because she wanted her to be a model for the other students. If all the students were talking back and disobeying her, the room would be chaotic and she would probably be fired. Many people believe that Mrs. Price is a mean and soulless teacher for forcing a student to wear a sweater that wasn’t theirs, but that would be a false assumption. This story is being told through Rachel’s eyes, and from her perspective, the teacher was being a monster towards her. From Mrs. Price’s eyes, this event would have probably have just been a disciplinary moment.
Another reason why Mrs. Price acted that way is because she knew she was in control. “Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This quote demonstrates the fact that Mrs. Price knew she was older and knew that she was correct. But, the fact that she didn’t apologize or even acknowledge that she had messed up does show she is not the nicest teacher ever.
In conclusion, in this story, control was a reason why Mrs. Price acted the way she did. Although it isn’t 100 percent accurate, because it is being shown from an 11 year old’s perspective, it still lionizes the fact that the teacher wanted to make Rachel a role model so her other students wouldn’t be disobedient.
To begin, Mrs. Price wanted to establish dominance as most teachers do. Clearly, she needs to display her superiority and her authority is second to none. She accomplishes this feat by concluding the sweater enigma, “Of course it’s yours,” Mrs. Price announces to Rachel after Sylvia Saldivar proclaims the heinous abomination is Rachel’s. Evidently, Mrs. Price had such an urge to assert her dominance that she would wrongfully accuse a student in order to complete her goal.
In addition, Mrs. Price wanted to continue with her lesson so she forced Rachel to claim the sweater. After Rachel denies the statement, Mrs. Price responds “I remember you wearing it once” to end the argument. Obviously, Mrs. Price used Rachel as her “fall guy” to avoid ruining the lesson, “…Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four,” demonstrating that Mrs. Price doesn’t want to waste any more precious time. By getting rid of the sweater, Mrs. Price can focus on the lesson. Mrs. Price acted the way she did not intending to be harsh, but to act efficiently.
Finally, Mrs. Price’s actions stem from the fact that she wishes to avoid embarrassment. When Rachel recalls Phyllis Lopez claiming the sweater is hers, “only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay,” demonstrating Mrs. Price did not apologize to the emotional pain inflicted upon Rachel, only because she had to divert the embarrassment of making a wrong decision. Her focus shifts from control to obviating the fact she had faltered by not admitting her actions were unjust and wrong. Mrs. Price acted irresponsibly even though she was the teacher just so she could slip under the radar.
In the final analysis, Mrs. Price acted the way she did to control the class, preserve time, and to evade embarrassment. Her root motive was a craving sense of authority in similarity to a tyrannical despot. Mrs. Price still had not apologized to Rachel to make her feel better. Even if she did, Rachel would not heal from the event. As, Rachel said, “Today I’m eleven. There’s a cake Mama’s making for tonight and when Papa comes home from work we’ll eat it. There’ll be candles and presents and everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, Rachel, only it’s too late.”
Clearly stated thesis. Your supporting idea boils down to variations on control. That is fine. I only see 2 variations and supporting paragraphs which is a little lean, but that is okay if done very well. I would point out, however, that the essay could improve with a little extra detail. For example, in the intro paragraph show us how the teacher ” made a big deal out of it” and elaborate on why she yelled and perhaps how that made others like Rachel feel. Don’t just tell us. Is there evidence from the story you can use to this end?
I like that you point out that the entire story is told from Rachel’s eyes not a 3rd party observer and not the teacher all of which may have a different viewpoint. You probably wouldn’t make a legal case base don an 11 year old’s testimony w/o further evidence or corroboration so how can you pass judgement with certainty in this essay?
Hi, I wrote this essay in 37 minutes
To start off, Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she didn’t want to waste time. Looking for the owner of the sweater was wasting a lot of precious time in the eyes of Mrs. Price, therefore she wanted to quickly give the sweater away to someone. When Mrs. Price wasn’t able to find the owner of the sweater, she decided to hand the sweater off to some random student. This random student ended up being Rachel. After the sweater had been passed over to Rachel, Rachel had attempted to explain that the sweater wasn’t hers. Mrs. Price paid no attention though, and had moved on to start the class as quickly as possible. Rachel had said, “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” This evidently shows how Mrs. Price was in a rush to start the class, and didn’t want to waste time on petty matters. Time is valuable to Mrs. Price, and it also explains why Mrs. Price acted the way she did.
Next, Mrs. Price behaved the way she did because she didn’t want the sweater to be in her hands. When Rachel was describing the sweater, she had said, “It’s an ugly sweater with red plastic buttons and a collar and sleeves all stretched out like you could use it for a jump rope.” This shows how the sweater was really dilapidated, which is the reason why Mrs. Price didn’t want to be responsible for it. Nobody wants to be caught wearing a sweater like that, and Rachel had said, “It’s maybe a thousand years old and even if it belonged to me I wouldn’t say so.” This evidently shows why Mrs. Price acted the way she did, because she didn’t want to take responsibility of the ugly red sweater.
Finally, Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she didn’t want to be laughed at for being wrong. Teachers want their students to know that the teacher is in charge, and the teacher being wrong about something doesn’t help the cause of showing some authority. When Rachel had tried telling Mrs. Price that the sweater wasn’t hers, Mrs. Price had said, “ ‘Of course it’s yours,’ Mrs. Price says. ‘I remember you wearing it once.’ Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This shows how Mrs. Price wanted her students to know that she was right so that she wouldn’t get humiliated in front of everyone, which is why she acted the way she did.
To conclude, Mrs. Price acted the way she did for three reasons. First, she did not want to waste time, therefore had quickly handed the sweater off to Rachel to save time. Second, Mrs. Price didn’t want to have the sweater in her possession because it was very ugly and dilapidated. Finally, Mrs. Price wanted to make sure that she wouldn’t get humiliated for being wrong about who the owner of the sweater was, therefore she had forced the sweater upon Rachel. These three reasons explain why Mrs. Price acted the way she did. Mrs. Price’s actions also ruined Rachel’s mood, especially on a special day because it was Rachel’s birthday. Rachel had said, “I’m eleven today. I’m eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one, but I wish I was one hundred and two. I wish I was anything but eleven, because I want today to be far away already, far away like a runaway balloon, like a tiny o in the sky, so tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see it.”
There was meant to be indents in front of each paragraph but i accidentally posted the essay before doing that:)
That’s fine Asheesh.
I like the use of the quote to set the scene at the beginning. Perhaps you can simplify the story summary as the reader likely knows the story in this case, but stating the facts is useful nonetheless. Your thesis and arguments are clear and straightforward. Structurally, this essay is sound. I like your use of transitions. The 1st body para is a good point with a lot of supporting evidence, but you also make a claim within it that Mrs. Price was just getting rid of the sweater randomly. Is there any evidence of that from the story like the evidence you use to show she is rushing ahead? Try to make sure to show the reader rather them just tell them a point that may not be substantiated by evidence in the story (or may be, but you must explain). Overall however, good use of details and quotes to support your body arguments. I also like the end of the conclusion after you reiterate your thesis and points you wrap it up with reference to the quote you used at the beginning. Nicely done.
Mrs. Price did not seem like a very pleasurable teacher to have. She acted very ignorant when Rachel tried to explain that the sweater does not belong to her. Mrs. Price thought that since she was older, wanted the sweater gone, and so she she does not look bad/wrong in front of her students, she had the right to force Rachel to put on a sweater that was not even hers.
To begin, Mrs. Price, as I said earlier, was very ignorant when Rachel testified that the sweater was not hers. Mrs. Price believed that since she is the elder, whomever she thought the sweater belonged to must be the owner. Rachel even states “Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” Mrs. Price believed that because of her authority, she was always correct. It is as simple as that.
Next, Mrs. Price simply wanted the sweater gone already. It had been sitting in the coatroom for a month. She must have really hated it when it began to smell like cottage cheese! Mrs. Price had become desperate to do away with the sweater. She was willing to believe the first person who suggested an owner. That happened to be Sylvia. Mrs. Price wanted the sweater gone, so she forced Rachel to wear it so she would no longer have to deal with it.
Lastly, Mrs. Price does not seem very likable at this point. It would make sense that she would not want to look bad and be wrong in front of her students. In order to protect her legacy she forces Rachel to wear the sweater, after she thinks she saw Rachel wear it once, just so it seems she was right! To further her “protection,” she turns to page thirty-two, math problem four, to make sure her students become busy so they don’t think about Mrs. Price possibly being wrong about the sweater. Mrs. Price does not even react when Rachel bursts into tears.
To conclude, Mrs. Price acted the way she did for a number of reasons. She did not want to look bad, she wanted the sweater gone, and she thought she was right. However, what if another reason why Mrs. Price acted the way she did was because no one opposed her strongly enough? If Rachel had been more assertive in proving the sweater was not hers, do you think Mrs. Price would have acted differently?
I like that you explain exactly how Mrs. Price acted in your assessment. It is critical to clarify this point in the essay prompt and it sets the tone for your essay. I might rephrase “so she she does not look bad/wrong in front of her students” to something like, “motivated by the desire to save face…” Good transitions. I think there is no need to say “as I said earlier” in the 1st body paragraph. The reader knows that. They just read it. And I would not end the paragraph with the line, “it is as simple as that.” Perhaps it is to you, but the reader does not know. You must argue your case and lead the reader to the conclusion that it is as simple as that. Telling them so does not help prove your argument. That said, I like the quotation used as evidence. The paragraphs are a bit lean, but you are using some evidence from the text to support your case. You use some good evidence again in the 2nd body paragraph, but I might use an example to show how the teacher is “desperate” to get rid of the sweater. You have good examples why. Maybe use the text to show how she was quick to drop on the desk. The 3rd body paragraph is the weakest as it normally is. I am not sure Mrs. Price’s “legacy” was at stake. That is a whole different matter from saving some face or not wanting to be shown to be vulnerable.
I like the conclusion especially the questions posited at the end. It suggests the fault is not only Mrs. Price’s. It is likely she may have acted differently when confronted with a more headstrong Rachel. I might have phrased the 2nd to last sentence as a statement and left the question only at the end, but I think it is an interesting twist and definitely a point worth considering. Good first effort.
This is my intro for this prompt. The rest is coming soon on computers nearby you.
‘Now that that matter’s finished, let me get on with class.’ Mrs. Price faced the class and told them, with a stern tone, to open their math textbooks to page number 32. She instructed them to do math problem number 4. Mrs. Price turned around and wrote the problem on the board. As she was doing this, Mrs. Price felt a pang of guilt and pain inside of her. Immediately after, a little voice in her head asked her,
“What was that for, Mrs. Price? Giving Rachel that red sweater when you knew that it wasn’t even hers? And for goodness sake, it’s her birthday!”
Mrs Price thought back, “Hey, Mrs. Mom, I had to get the class back on track. They were paying attention to the little nonsense. This is a class and everything must go in an orderly fashion. Anyways what do I care? Its not my problem if she crys about it. I got it out of the way and that is all that matters to me. All that I care about is running a professional class.”
There is supposed to be paragraphs. The website did not paste them.
Intro Essay HW:
There are plenty of teachers that are out there. Some students consider strict and demanding while others students consider plain awesome. In the story Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, Mrs. Price is Rachel’s worst nightmare. I believe that Mrs. Price acted strict to Rachel because of the fact that she demanded respect, she wanted to avoid ruining her lesson that she planned, and Mrs. Price was afraid of being embarrassed.
Firstly, Mrs. Price acted sternly toward Rachel because of the fact that Mrs. Price wanted to prove her dominance to the class. For instance, when Mrs. Price made Rachel put on the sweater that had been in the coatroom for a month, she says, “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.” Obviously, there is a sense of power in her words. She wants her students to know that she commands power and that she can and will use that power to solve problems within the class.
To add to this, Mrs. Price acted strictly toward Rachel because Mrs. Price didn’t want to ruin her lesson. For example, when Sylvia Saldivar insisted that the red sweater was Rachel’s, automatically Mrs. Price gives the sweater to Rachel, insisting that Mrs. Price saw Rachel “wearing it once.” Furthermore, Mrs. Price continues to turn to “page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” When Sylvia Saldivar tells Mrs. Price that the sweater was Rachel’s, Mrs. Price takes this as an opportunity to solve the problem and to get to her lesson. Mrs. Price doesn’t want a problem as small as a jacket being left in the coatroom to interrupt her lesson so she quickly resolved the problem to get to her lesson.
Furthermore, Mrs. Price acted stringently toward Rachel because Mrs. Price was afraid of the embarrassment that could have come her way. This is proven when Phyllis Lopez, the actual owner of the red sweater that had been in the coatroom for a month, took her sweater back from Rachel and Mrs. Price acted like “everything’s okay.” Moreover, when Rachel finally found out that the sweater wasn’t hers, Mrs. Price was ignorant towards this fact because she wanted to avoid embarrassment. Mrs. Price didn’t want to show embarrassment, she didn’t want to show to her students that she was weak.
Ultimately, Mrs. Price acted in this way towards Rachel because she wanted to show that she was dominant to her students, because she didn’t want to ruin her lesson, and because of the fact that she didn’t want to show her students that she was embarrassed. Mrs. Price became that one teacher Rachel despised, just because of one sweater.
First, Mrs. Price is lofty in how she acts in “Eleven.” She tells Rachel ‘“I remember you wearing [the sweater] once.” Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.’ Mrs. Price thinks that she is always right as she is older and more experienced. She does not heed Rachel’s protests, and finalizes her decision with I remember you wearing it once. Also, Mrs. Price tells Rachel, “Now, Rachel, that’s enough,” because the sweater was hanging off Rachel’s desk. Mrs. Price could not just let Rachel keep the sweater on the desk, but she had to make Rachel wear the sweater. Mrs. Price wanted to show that she was in charge.
Furthermore, Mrs. Price does not worry about her student’s well being. After it is found that the sweater did not belong to Rachel, “only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay.” After making Rachel feel extremely bad, Mrs. Price did not even bother to apologize to her. She did not care how Rachel felt when she cried. Also, Rachel is in discomfort when she puts on the sweater and ,”…when I put one arm through one sleeve of the sweater that smells like cottage cheese, and then the other arm through the other and stand there with my arms apart like if the sweater hurts me and it does, all itchy and full of germs that aren’t even mine.” The sweater is ugly and not comfortable to wear, but Mrs. Price still forced Rachel to wear it. It had been lying in the closet for a month and is not sanitary.
In addition, Mrs. Price forces class to move quickly and not waste time. She starts working quickly after giving the sweater to Rachel, “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” Even though Rachel protested Mrs. Price rapidly started teaching math to the class. She wanted to get class over quickly and gave it to Rachel quickly. Also, Mrs. Price forced Rachel to put the sweater on quickly by yelling, ‘“Now!” Mrs. Price says.’ Mrs. Price wanted to move class along quickly and forced Rachel to wear it when she protested. Mrs. Price wanted to make Rachel wear the sweater quickly.
Ultimately, Mrs. Price forced Rachel to wear the sweater because she is haughty, is not concerned about her students, and she wanted to get work done quickly. Mrs. Price did not admit she was wrong when the sweater did not belong to Rachel. Mrs. Price thinks that she can not make a mistake. She should care more about her students and know that she is not perfect, and act like the ages below her.
Good intro and scene setting. I would be careful about passive sentences. At the start of body paragraph 1, “Mrs. Price is lofty in how she acts” couldn’t you more easily say “Mrs. Price acted like she was above everyone else”? Later on, another example is, “Rachel is in discomfort when she puts on the sweater”? Perhaps Rachel is uncomfortable putting the sweater on instead? Make it an active sentence. Focus on avoiding passive sentences. Proofread for them carefully.
There are some places you use quotes and some others where you should use quotes, but don’t put them in like, “and finalizes her decision with I remember you wearing it once.” Was I remember you wearing it once a quote pulled from the story? If so use quotation marks and correct grammar. That could result in grammar related deductions.
The structure of the essay is excellent and the supporting ideas are good and well argued with examples to prove your points. The conclusion is excellent with an opinionated insight provided to the reader at the end. Good job! If you clean up the grammar issues this would be an excellent essay product for the exam.
Being Mrs.Price
Mrs.Price would probably leap at the chance to give that sweater to someone. It’s been in the coatroom for a whole entire month. When Sylvia said that she thought it was Rachel’s Mrs.Price decided it was an easy and convenient solution. Rachel protested, but Mrs.Price wanted the whole issue to go away. The simple solution was to give it to Rachel. Mrs. Price makes up a story about seeing Rachel in the sweater. It was just easier to think that it was Rachel’s and not someone else’s. Rachel pushes the sweater away and Mrs.Price thinks, Uh-oh, if it’s not Rachel’s, this situation just got a lot more complicated. So when, by the end of math, Rachel’s sweater is dangling off the desk, she gets a little panicked, a little mad. Please, please let the sweater be Rachel’s she thinks. Mrs.Price shouts, Put it on. Because if this sweater really wasn’t Rachel’s, the problem would grow. Also, Mrs. Price probably thought that Rachel was being ridiculous. It’s just a sweater. Rachel reluctantly puts the sweater on and Mrs.Price lets out a sigh. Problem averted. Then, Rachel starts to cry. Not so easy anymore. Mrs.Price probably stands by awkwardly. She took the easy solution and it backfired. Then, Phyllis says, Whoops, that sweater is mine. Mrs. Price thinks, oopies, made a mistake, no big deal, don’t make a scene out of it. So she continues as normal.
Mrs.Price also probably didn’t want the sweater to be there. As stated in the text by Rachel, “It’s an ugly sweater with red plastic buttons and a collar and sleeves all stretched out like you could use it for a jump rope. It’s maybe a thousand years old and even if it belonged to me I wouldn’t say so.” The red sweater was very ugly and it was gross and disgusting. No one wanted it, no one would admit that the sweater was theirs. In fact, a sweater as ugly as the one described, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had been left in the coatroom on purpose. If Mrs.Price had thought the same thing, then of course she didn’t want that sweater to be in her classroom any longer. It had already been there a month, and she probably just couldn’t take this dirty, stretchy red sweater tarnishing the appearance of her clean, pristine, classroom. The sweater was just making her whole classroom look sloppy and unprofessional. Giving the sweater to Rachel was a good way to get rid of it once and for all so that Mrs.Price never had to see it again.
Another reason is that the sweater was just an annoying thing to look at. Think about it, the icky red collar and the dull plastic red buttons, and to add to it the sleeves were all stretched out. The sweater was probably coated in dirt and grime after staying in the coatroom for a month and would make some of the dirtiest people to cringe. No one wants to look at something like that and Mrs.Price probably just wanted to get rid of it. Rachel says “An ugly sweater like that all raggedy and old …” this shows that the sweater really was a big eyesore, and no one really wanted to look at it, least of all, Mrs. Price. When Sylvia said that the sweater was Rachel’s Mrs. Price saw an excellent opportunity to rid herself of the sweater. She didn’t want to put up with looking at that sweater any longer and so she took matters to her own hands. If the sweater was, in fact, Rachel’s, it would be a quick and easy way to just make to sweater go away and Mrs. Price would be able to get away from constantly seeing that ugly, filthy, collared, red sweater.
This is why I think Mrs.Price acted the way she did. The whole thing was just easier if the sweater was Rachel’s and by giving it away, it would rid her of an eyesore.The sweater was very dirty and ugly. If the sweater wasn’t Rachel’s and no one would admit it, it would just sit in the coatroom for an even longer time and collect dust. Mrs. Price was probably fed up with seeing the sweater and look matters into her own hands. It was simpler and easier for the sweater to be Rachel’s.
Personally, I think you use a lot of hypothetical situations when you write the word ‘probably’. I think you should avoid that because there are situations in your essay that are not mentioned in the story. Another thing is that I feel your reasons are basically one whole reason which is that Mrs. Price doesn’t want the sweater in her coatroom. Maybe using more specific reasons will make the essay better. There is definitely strong evidence in here including quotes from the story. Overall nice job.
Excellent hook. You put the reader in Mrs. Price’s shoes which is the rare essay to do so. You go into great depth using examples from the story as evidence, but also your rich, vivid detail gives this essay a life of its own and a leg up. I do not have many suggestions. Extremely well done. It is a benchmark example for this essay prompt!
First of all, Mrs. Price behaved the way she did because she did not want the sweater in her classroom. For example, the text stated, “‘Whose is this?’ Mrs. Price says, and she holds up the red sweater in the air for all of the class to see. ‘Whose? It’s been sitting in my classroom for a month.'” Mrs. Price was eager to get rid of the sweater, regardless of who it actually belonged to. This can be seen when she said, “Of course it’s yours,” to Rachel. Mrs. Price’s pushiness could easily be seen. To her, the sweater was merely an irritation.
Secondly, Mrs. Price harsh actions were partly caused by Rachel’s vulnerability. When Mrs. Price questioned if the old sweater belonged to Rachel, it was easy to see that the young girl wouldn’t put up a strong argument. For example, she stammers, “That’s not, I don’t, you’re not…Not mine.” Mrs. Price could see that with this weak response, she would be able to get rid of the sweater by making Rachel, who was in a vulnerable position, take it.
Lastly, one could easily see that Mrs. Price did not want any drama. When Rachel was clearly ill at ease, “Mrs. Price…[was] turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” This demonstrated how Mrs. Price was ignoring Rachel so that she could get over with the mess that was caused by the sweater. Furthermore, when Phyllis Lopez, a classmate, admitted that the sweater belonged to him, “Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay,” when it obviously wasn’t. This teacher was not at all concerned with Rachel’s feelings and did not want to cause a scene.
Mrs. Price’s eagerness to get rid of the sweater, Rachel’s vulnerability, and Mrs. Price’s avoidance of drama took a large part in why she acted in the harsh way that she did. She completely abused the power she had as a teacher. Teachers are people that students look up to and rely on to carve a path for their future. The way that Mrs. Price acted demonstrated the exact opposite of how a teacher should treat his or her students.
You clearly state your thesis, identify how Mrs. Price acted (an often overlooked aspect of this essay), and stated three reasons why. I did not get the connection from that to Rachel signifying the statement, “you’re eleven, ten….” How exactly do the two fit? I like the body paragraphs and your reasons are well supported with examples. I particularly like the paragraph pointing out that Rachel is an easy target. This is true and not picked up in many essays for this prompt. Excellent conclusion that revisits your arguments and leaves the reader with a commentary on what good teachers should do (I like this touch a lot). Overall an excellent essay except for the intro “hook” which doesn’t seem to belong…at least I cannot figure out what the link is to your thesis or arguments.
Thank you!
Mrs. Price is an ignorant teacher because she doesn’t think about the consequences of her actions. She uses her power to force Rachel to wear the sweater, which embarrasses Rachel. This could come back to bite her later, and threaten her job. If she thought before she acted, she might have realized that there were other ways to approach the situation. As you can see, her actions create a lose-lose situation for herself and Rachel, which shows that she is short-sighted, and doesn’t look at the long-term repercussions.
Mrs. Price cares very little about her students. She doesn’t care about who the sweater belongs to. She simply tries to get rid of it, by dumping the problem on Rachel. When Rachel tries to speak up, she shuts her down, and puts the sweater on her desk. When the problems blows up with Rachel crying, she doesn’t try to comfort her. She “pretends like everything’s okay.” Even when she makes mistakes, she simply doesn’t care.Therefore, Mrs. Price doesn’t care about her students, emotionally hurting them, and not trying to help them, even when they obviously are not okay.
Lastly, Mrs. Price lacks empathy. She doesn’t think about how her students feel, which is why she acted the way she did. She didn’t know that would happen, because she doesn’t understand human emotion. If she put herself in Rachel’s shoes, she might have realized how much Rachel despised that sweater. If she could relate to her students, she might not expect them to blindly do as she says. Consequently, Mrs. Price can’t understand her student’s feelings, which is why her actions may seem like cruel and unusual punishment for poor Rachel.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price isn’t a good teacher, and frankly, not a good person, either. She doesn’t care about her students, is very short-sighted, and can’t understand her student’s emotions. She doesn’t deserve to be a teacher, as she ruins Rachel’s birthday with a few ignorant words.
I like your intro, conclusion and writing style. Well organized. Very good first attempt. I might offer a couple suggestions that could help bring the overall essay up to your talented writing level. Add more examples and evidence to support your point. If you look carefully at the 1st and 2nd body paragraph, you notice you make a couple claims (very logical) but they are not supported by enough or any evidence in the passage. What power did she abuse? Show the reader from the passage. What other ways are there to deal with it? Explain to the reader. Also, the 3rd body para argument is dangerously close to the 2nd body para. Students often do this and their ideas blend in together and get a little lost. Be careful to keep the points independent or be sure exactly why are they are linked in that way. I do like the very strong statements in the body paras. Mrs. Price is ignorant and doesn’t care about her students. “Them’s fightin’ words!” Make sure you can back it up with proof as if you were there saying these things to the principal and had to support your claim.
Thanks. I’ll try to have better support in the form of evidence, and I’ll try to keep my points more separate next time.
Mrs.Price greatly abuses her position as teacher to force the students to do what she wants, which proves that she is egotistical. Rachel even states that because she is the teacher that she believes that she is right without giving it any thought. She believes that her word is absolute because she is the teacher, but any good person who’s ever been in school would know that a teacher would not do what Mrs.Price just did. In the text it states, “Of course it’s yours,” Mrs. Price says. “I remember you wearing it once.” Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This proves how Mrs.Price takes advantage of her position. Mrs. Price is condescending and grievously misuses her authority.
Mrs.Price is cruel, which is proven when she forces that sweater on Rachel without any second thought. She completely ignores Rachel’s horrified expression and yells at her to wear it. It was Rachel’s birthday and that “teacher’ ruined it with her cruelty towards kids. Only someone pure evil would intentionally ruin a student’s birthday and just shrug it off when it turns out she ruins it for no reason. That is serious child abuse right there. The one day Rachel got to stand out, that cruel woman forced her to put on something that would definitely make her stand out, but not in the way she wanted. She knew how bad the sweater looked and felt, so because she didn’t want it, she forced it on a student whose birthday it was. Mrs. Price is a wicked person who doesn’t show any empathy towards her students.
Last but not least, Mrs. Price is remorseless. She showed no regret when it turned out she made Rachel cry on her birthday for nothing. She just went right back to her work like she did nothing at all. She didn’t apologize, didn’t say a word, didn’t even look at Rachel. Anyone who would do something like that and show no qualms or regret, cannot call themselves human. Mrs. Price is a remorseless person who has no qualms when she does something nasty.
Mrs. Price is a egotistical, cruel, and remorseless idiot who doesn’t care how their actions affect the students she is supposed to help. She should not be a teacher, her behavior towards Rachel, on her BIRTHDAY proved that. She went beyond the line, and she doesn’t even realize that herself. She does not deserve her position, and her attitude is inhumane.
there should have been indents
In this short story, “Eleven,” by Sandra Cisneros, Rachel, the protagonist, is forced to put on an ugly red sweater by her own teacher, Mrs. Price. Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she pays no attention to her students’ emotions. She only cares about teaching and doesn’t want any drama in her class. She is also ignorant and doesn’t bother to think about the consequences of her actions. Lastly, she also tries her best to overpower her students just to show them who is in charge.
Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she didn’t want any drama in her class and wants to continue teaching her lesson. For example, after Mrs. Price gave the red sweater to Rachel, she kept thinking over and over in her head that it was not hers, but “…Mrs. Price [was] already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” This clarifies that Mrs. Price does not care if the sweater is Rachel’s or not. In her head, the lesson is clearly more significant than a mere red sweater. Moreover, another student later claims that the sweater is actually hers and not Rachel’s. This means that Mrs. Price was wrong about the sweater being Rachel’s, however, “…Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay.” This shows that Mrs. Price doesn’t care whose sweater it was, only that it is out of her classroom.
Additionally, Mrs. Price doesn’t mind the consequences. For instance, Rachel was pushing the sweater to the edge of the desk, and Mrs. Price was getting annoyed. Rachel started crying after Mrs. Price yelled at her to put it on. Rachel was crying right in front of the class, which means that Mrs. Price was also there to witness it. However, Mrs. Price did nothing about it and Rachel sat there crying hysterically. Furthermore, the sweater was described as “…an ugly sweater with red plastic buttons and a collar and sleeves all stretched out like you could use it for a jump rope. It’s maybe a thousand years old and even if it belonged to [Rachel, she] wouldn’t say so.” Since the sweater is so unsightly, Rachel would most likely be bullied for carrying around such a sweater. However, Mrs. Price doesn’t care is she does so she gives the sweater to Rachel anyway.
Lastly, Mrs. Price has a condescending attitude toward her students. She wants to show her students who is boss. When Mrs. Price noticed that Rachel had pushed the sweater all the way to the edge of her desk, she had gotten annoyed. As stated in the story, “‘Rachel,’ Mrs. Price says. She says it like she’s getting mad. ‘You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.’ ‘But it’s not—’ [Rachel says]. ‘Now!’ Mrs. Price says.” Mrs. Price doesn’t even let Rachel finish her sentence and yells at her in front of the whole class. Pursuing this further, Rachel even obeys her. A few moments before, another student claims that the sweater is Rachel’s, and she protests. However, Mrs. Price says, “‘Of course it’s yours… I remember you wearing it once.’ Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This shows that Mrs. Price portrays an adult that has more power than her students and is someone you should obey. Therefore, Rachel obeys her even if the sweater isn’t hers.
Mrs. Price acted the way she did in this story because her care and thought for her students is meager and she does not care about their emotional and physical well-being. She doesn’t want any drama in her class to begin with and her focus is finishing her lesson. Additionally, she is not aware of the consequences of her actions if not callous about them. Last but not least, she also is egotistical and wants to show everyone who is in charge. In this story, Mrs. Price was a cruel and heartless teacher. I’d say that she isn’t fit to be a teacher at all. Overall, this clearly signifies why Mrs. Price acted this way.
Very well organized essay. You raise three supporting points to argue why Mrs. Price behaved the way she did. You set the scene in the first sentence and explain to the reader the situation in case they have not read the story. I might also add that Mrs. Price made Rachel cry so the reader knows the consequence of forcing Rachel to wear the sweater. It gives some extra needed information to put into context why you are judging Mrs.Price. I like the transitions in the body paragraphs. You provide abundant evidence and use the text to prove your points. Your summation is thorough and adds your own lesson or advice…Mrs. Price should not be a teacher. Technically excellent with a couple small items to keep an eye on. Watch to avoid passive sentences “…had gotten” perhaps could be rephrased. You jump tense from past to present a few times. Make sure it is correct in context and you are staying consistent. Great job. Keep up the effort.
To begin with, successful lawyers rarely lose cases, for they know better than most the power of words. Rachel would have had a better day if she could have used words and a powerful statement or claim that said the sweater was not hers. Instead of agreeing to the ludicrous idea, “because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right,” Rachel could have directly stated that the sweater was not hers (Cisneros: 1). Either out of the respect for her teachers or because she was told to not talk back she sat there not saying anything. The cat must have gotten her tongue. She was stuttering and creating a very weak claim, “That’s not, I don’t, you’re not . . . Not mine.,” she stammered.
Furthermore, she also showed Mrs. Price that she was weak. Rachel presented herself as scrawny by little speech and when she did speak it was a very bad claim. To illustrate, her sitting there and speaking fragile words triggered Mrs. Price to force the untrue fact to the class that the sweater was hers. Additionally, something else successful lawyers try to do is hide the weaknesses of the person they defend. When Rachel sat there not saying much and showed a clear stunned expression on her face, Mrs. Price went on to say that she remembered Rachel wearing the sweater a couple times before. This was Mrs. Price’s mind crafting an image and a fake memory to make her feel good by telling her, “Yeah, you are right, it is hers, and this is why…”
Another reason that Mrs. Price may have acted this ay is because of her attitude and hatred towards Rachel. Rachel and Mrs. Price may not have the best relationship together, they might not like each other, or Rachel might have been a poor student in her class. Mrs. Price may have picked on her because she did not appreciate Rachel, but it can also be the other way around. Mrs. Price may be a careless, mean, and wicked human. She might not care for others feelings and what they value. Rachel valued her happiness especially that day, for it was her birthday. Mrs. Price, the ugly sweater, and the burst of tears in the classroom took it all away.
Mrs. Prices actions were due to either her personal traits or the way Rachel behaved during class. She was forced to put on an ugly, red, smelly sweater that was not hers and later uncontrollably cry until there weren’t, “any more tears left,” in her eye’s. Mrs. Price could have also been influenced to think such a thing by the comment made by Sylvia Saldivar. At the end of the story, Rachel states that she wishes she were a much, much older age. Then again, would an age such as 102 played out differently that day? Would it have made a difference?
This is an innovative take on the essay prompt. I like the lesson learned right up front as a variation to ending with a moral to the story. You do not really go on to prove that lesson per se, but you do use it to introduce the idea that Rachel is also culpable because she did not communicate forcefully enough. You revisit that theme in the first body paragraph to argue that Rachel’s deference to adults and/or positions of authority caused her problems and at the end again with the question insinuating that age is no excuse. Nicely done. I like the unique approach to the intro paragraph that layers in a summary of the story with the unique arguments you are making. Most essays blame the teacher, Mrs. Price, not Rachel and none assume there could possibly be an adversarial student-teacher relationship. Perhaps this story is only one example of conflict between the two? It is a reasonable inference from the story and well placed in the third body paragraph given there is no direct example.
I might suggest some punctuation corrections, but I assume you were working under time pressure while writing so they are minor. Watch the passive voice in some instances. “could have also been influenced to think such a thing….” or “the part of her that was 5…” or ” cat must have gotten” etc. Although not terribly problematic examples, maybe you could rephrase your sentences in a few points. Same is true for pronouns in the sentences “Mrs. Prices actions were due to either her personal traits or the way Rachel behaved during class. She was forced to put on an ugly…” The reader can figure out who “she” refers to in the context, but by itself it isn’t clear that the “she” is not referring to the subject of the last sentence, Mrs. Price. Minor suggestions aside, this is a nice attempt to introduce some new ideas in an essay response.
First off, Mrs. Price was very annoyed about an ugly red sweater that had been sitting in the coatroom for over a month. It bothered her greatly and she wished to get rid of it. Not wishing to take time out of her lesson to figure out who the sweater belonged, she found her chance when a girl named Sylvia claimed that the sweater belonged to Rachel. This resulted in Mrs. Price forcing the sweater into Rachel’s care. Rachel insisted that the sweater was not her’s. “That’s not, I don’t, you’re not… Not mine.” she said. Mrs. Prince was already irked that this situation was taking so long so she refused to listen to Rachel. She cut Rachel off by saying, “‘Of course it’s yours,’ Mrs. Prince says. ‘I remember you wearing it once.’” This quote proves that Mrs. Prince wanted to get on with the lesson so she made something up by saying that she remembered Rachel wearing it. Although this claim was untrue Mrs. Price was so desperate to finish the lesson that she did the first thing she thought of.
Secondly, Mrs. Price believed that she was better than everyone in the class because of her position. She thought that everything she said was correct and she could boss people around to do things against their will because they had to listen to her. An example of this is, “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.” Although Rachel continued to defend her point of the sweater not being her’s, Mrs. Price thought she was better than her which meant that only herself was correct. She thought she could boss Rachel around into doing things that she did not wish to do because she was better than her.
Lastly, when Mrs. Price was proved wrong, she did not want to be embarrassed in front of the entire class so she did not admit her mistake. When another student in the class claimed that the red sweater was not Rachel’s, but her own, Mrs. Price pretended that nothing had happened and did not say anything. It states, “I take it off right away and give it to her, only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s OK.” Think quote shows Mrs. Price’s ignorant behavior. She should have apologized to Rachel saying she was sorry for the misunderstanding but instead acted as if there was no misunderstanding. Her embarrassment for admitting her mistake in front of everyone led to her wrong actions.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price showed wrong behavior many times in the story for many different reasons. Her actions were caused because she did not want to waste time on stupid reasons, her position meant she was better than anyone else, and she did not wish to be embarrassed. From Mrs. Price it can be learned that one should always think things through, everyone should be treated equally, and apologizing is the best way to solve a problem.
I like the idea of introducing the essay with a insightful question, but what is the significance of no longer being able to stand it? Mrs. Price could no longer stand it? stand what? the sweater? Did she lose her cool? or was that Rachel? Stay focused and specific especially for your thesis. I would suggest some minor grammar changes in the 1st paragraph. Say “leads to” rather than leads up to. The two “get” not gets into an argument. Maybe waste time “for” stupid reasons rather than on them. I might waste time on that or for stupid reasons. Lastly, do you really want to argue that her position made her “better than anyone” or are you trying to say the authority of being a teacher conferred on Mrs Price an excess of power?
1st body paragraph. Try to avoid “very” annoyed. A high school level vocabulary and writing style will be expected. I know…our new president uses the word frequently, but that doesn’t count. I suggest searching for better alternatives. What really proves that the teacher was lying about her memory? It is the fact we later learn the sweater was not Rahel’s. I think you have to make that logical connection and even then it is possible the teacher’s recollection was just mistaken. Make sure you follow a tight, internally consistent logic in your arguments. If the reader can pick apart your logical conclusions that could be problematic. For example, it isn’t clear that Mrs. Price thought she was better than anyone. Maybe she just used her position of power to her own benefit?
I like the transitions in each paragraph. The structure of the essay is good. However, watch the grammar. Again in the 3rd body paragraph Mrs Price was “proven” wrong. I like the point that Mrs. Price did not own up to her mistake. Perhaps that is a flaw of character. It is a somewhat unique idea to run with. In the conclusion, how about “Mrs Price demonstrated poor behavior” rather than showed wrong behavior? Keep sentences in the active voice unless good reason not to. “her actions were caused” can be turned to an active phrase.
Mrs. Price had an entire class to focus on, and she had material to teach. While Rachel was refusing the sweater Mrs. Price was “already turning to page 32, and math problem number 4”. From Rachel’s age we can infer that she’s in 5th or 6th grade, so the teachers aren’t babysitters anymore.
She couldn’t focus on Rachel’s problems, there was an entire class besides Rachel who needs Mrs. Price to come over. Rachel may have seemed like a little girl who happened to be in a bad mood. “Of course it’s yours…I remember you wearing it once. Because she is wiser and older she’s right and I’m not”. She had to listen to other students.
The other students were pointing at Rachel, while Rachel was whimpering something Mrs. Price couldn’t hear. It didn’t help that as Mrs. Price was teaching the class, Rachel was over exaggerating how much she loathed the sweater on her desk, even pushing it to the very brim. This was distracting the other students. When Sylvia said “I think it belongs to Rachel”, it seemed perfectly valid. All of the commotion happened because Rachel failed to respond to Mrs. Price in the first place.
The author’s perspective change’s the perception of Mrs. Price to the reader. While to Rachel she might seem to be the devil, she was, in fact, just a teacher teaching her class. From what Mrs. Price knew, Rachel just didn’t want to admit that it was her sweater. What else could Mrs. Price have done?
What are teacher’s supposed to do? Teach. Mrs. Price had an entire class to focus on and she had to get on teaching that class; she couldn’t just focus on Rachel. Based on the information that Mrs. Price was given at the time, Rachel was a suspect. It may have not seemed fair from Rachel’s point of view, but Mrs. Price was just doing her job.
Mrs. Price had an entire class to focus on, and she had material to teach. While Rachel was refusing the sweater Mrs. Price was “already turning to page 32, and math problem number 4”. From Rachel’s age we can infer that she’s in 5th or 6th grade, so the teachers aren’t babysitters anymore.
She couldn’t focus on Rachel’s problems, there was an entire class besides Rachel who needs Mrs. Price to come over. Rachel may have seemed like a little girl who happened to be in a bad mood. “Of course it’s yours…I remember you wearing it once. Because she is wiser and older she’s right and I’m not”. She had to listen to other students.
The other students were pointing at Rachel, while Rachel was whimpering something Mrs. Price couldn’t hear. It didn’t help that as Mrs. Price was teaching the class, Rachel was over exaggerating how much she loathed the sweater on her desk, even pushing it to the very brim. This was distracting the other students. When Sylvia said “I think it belongs to Rachel”, it seemed perfectly valid. All of the commotion happened because Rachel failed to respond to Mrs. Price in the first place.
The author’s perspective change’s the perception of Mrs. Price to the reader. While to Rachel she might seem to be the devil, she was, in fact, just a teacher teaching her class. From what Mrs. Price knew, Rachel just didn’t want to admit that it was her sweater. What else could Mrs. Price have done?
“teachers” not “teacher’s” which is possessive at the start. They will be particular about getting possessives incorrect or “their” versus “they’re” etc. At the end do not overuse the word “just”. Otherwise, you are a good writer and you use detailed and appropriate examples to support your thesis that Mrs. Price was just doing her job (implying she did nothing wrong). I think you could improve your essay quite a bit if you wrote an outline and organized 3 separate arguments in favor of the thesis and show the reader a roadmap of those arguments in the first paragraph. Then argue the point sin body paragraphs. This essay is too short and lacks structure, but if you did that it could be an excellent response. At a couple times you slip into a passive voice like “was over exaggerating”. Why not Rachel “exaggerated”. Simple is often better and you need to make your thesis, arguments, and writing as clear as possible to the reader.
Note: I finished this essay in 40 minutes. I typed it up exactly how I wrote it.
“Today I wish I was one hundred and two instead of eleven because if I was one hundred and two I’d have know what to say when Mrs. Price put the red sweater on my desk,” Racheal proclaims. In the short story “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros, on Racheal’s eleventh birthday, instead of celebrating it cheerfully, Racheal spends all of class miserably after Mrs. Price, her teacher, hands Racheal an ugly red sweater the Racheal continuously exclaims is not hers. Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she was getting impatient with the sweater, specifically the fact the none of her students will claim it. To elaborate, Mrs. Price, after, a month, finally confronted her class about the sweater, she jumped at the oppertunity to get rid of it, and when she finally did, she had no more patience to deal with it anymore.
To begin, Mrs. Price’s impatience stems from the fact that she finally wants to get rid of it, but no one will claim it. For example, after about a month of possessing the sweater, she finally confronts the class about it. “‘Not mine,’ says everybody, ‘Not mine.’ ‘It has to belong to somebody,’ Mrs. Price keeps saying, but nobody can remember.” Even as Mrs. Price finally reached the point of wanting to get rid of the old sweater, not one student claims it. Consequently, Mrs. Price’s impatience for the possission of the sweater grows. All in all, although Mrs. Price wants to get rid of the sweater, having not one of her students acknowledge it allows for her impatience to grow.
In another sense, Mrs. Price, when given the chance, hastily takes the oppertunity to get rid of the red sweater. When Sylvia Saldivar, one of her students, retorts that the sweater belongs to Racheal, Mrs. Price satisfyingly plops the sweater on Racheal’s desk. “‘That’s not, I don’t, you’re not…Not mine.’ I finally say in a little voice…’Of course it’s yours,’ Mrs. Price says. ‘I remember you wearing it one.” As illustrated, although Racheal remarks that the sweater does not belong to her, Mrs. Price hands it to her anyways, as part of her desire to hastily get rid of it. Clearly, Mrs. Price’s impatience is revealed after taking the chance to finally have the sweater out of her hands.
Finally, after getting rid of the red sweater, Mrs. Price makes no motion to deal with it any longer. To clarify, after Mrs. Price awards Racheal with the sweater, Racheal tries to make a motion that the sweater is not hers. “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” Although Mrs. Price has acknowledged that Racheal claims the sweater is not hers, she is persisting on getting back to the lesson anyways. Mrs. Price finally gets the oppertunity to get rid of it, thus she does not want to deal with the sweater any longer.
Overrall, Mrs. Price’s lack of patience, for possessing an old red sweater for over a month has caused her to behave the way she did. The fact that no one in her class would claim the sweater, that she jumped at the first to get rid of it, and the fact that she consciously got right back to the lesson after finally getting rid of it, are all contributions to her feelings towards the sweater. Although Racheal was about to spend the day with cake and presents and just being newly eleven, she sorrowfully had to suffer the wrath of Mrs. Price. If Mrs. Price were more understanding and in control of her emotions, then she may not have been so quick to have reacted to the sweater like that.
To begin with, right after Mrs. Price dumped the atrocious sweater on Rachel’s desk, while Rachel was still processing the situation, “Mrs. Price is already turning to page 32, and math problem number four.” This shows how Mrs. Price is focused more on the class moving forward in her lesson plan than how Rachel is reacting to her receiving the ugly red sweater. Mrs. Price should focus more on each of her individual student’s needs instead of her entire class.
Asserting her dominance as a strict teacher also has too much of Mrs. Price’s focus. Rachel believes that “because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” Just because Mrs. Price is older than Rachel and she is the teacher, Mrs. Price feels that she is always right, which is clearly not true since the sweater actually belonged to Phyllis Lopez. In addition, Mrs. Price has the inability to investigate further into the matter. Instead, she makes herself believe that what Sylvia Saldivar proclaimed is true by stating to Rachel, “Of course it’s yours. I remember you wearing it once.”
Along with Mrs. Price’s negligence towards her students’ needs, the unclaimed sweater had been sitting in the coat room for over a month. As a result, Mrs. Price clearly wants to rid her coat room of that sweater as quickly as possible. She just hands the sweater off to Rachel without even a second thought or a consideration of the consequences of her actions. She even forces Rachel to wear the sweater after noticing that she had pushed it to the edge of her desk away from all of her other belongings. All of these unreasonable actions in a row lead to Rachel possibly breaking down at home and making her vulnerable to bullying.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price is just overall an ignorant teacher who belittles her own students in front of the entire class. She believes more in having her own class progress forward and being right all the time than paying attention to her Rachel’s feelings. In addition to the fact that the sweater had been sitting in the coat room for over a month, Mrs. Price’s motives behind her actions have been exposed.
Unfortunately, my answer to your lead in sentence is, “wrong.” What does that do to the impact of your essay on the reader? I think your thesis statement is clear and concise you offer valid supporting arguments in the introduction to alert the reader where the essay os going. Good job.
The body paragraphs are generally well written and punctuated. I might eliminate “Just because Mrs. Price is older than Rachel and she is the teacher, Mrs. Price feels that she is always right” because it is redundant to the quote in the previous sentence. You used an example from the passage to make your point. No need to state it again. Transition into your argument that Mrs. Price was wrong and why that helps to support your thesis and explain Mrs. Price;s actions.
I think you petered out at the end and could improve the quality of the conclusion. For example, I really like the last line in the conclusion; the actions you raised throughout the essay expose Mrs. Rachel for what she is. Run with that a little more. Overall excellent effort. Keep up the work.
To begin with, right after Mrs. Price dumped the atrocious sweater on Rachel’s desk, while Rachel was still processing the situation, “Mrs. Price is already turning to page 32, and math problem number four.” This shows how Mrs. Price is focused more on the class moving forward in her lesson plan than how Rachel is reacting to her receiving the ugly red sweater. Mrs. Price should focus more on each of her individual student’s needs instead of her entire class.
Asserting her dominance as a strict teacher also has too much of Mrs. Price’s focus. Rachel believes that “because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” Just because Mrs. Price is older than Rachel and she is the teacher, Mrs. Price feels that she is always right, which is clearly not true since the sweater actually belonged to Phyllis Lopez. In addition, Mrs. Price has the inability to investigate further into the matter. Instead, she makes herself believe that what Sylvia Saldivar proclaimed is true by stating to Rachel, “Of course it’s yours. I remember you wearing it once.”
Along with Mrs. Price’s negligence towards her students’ needs, the unclaimed sweater had been sitting in the coat room for over a month. As a result, Mrs. Price clearly wants to rid her coat room of that sweater as quickly as possible. She just hands the sweater off to Rachel without even a second thought or a consideration of the consequences of her actions. She even forces Rachel to wear the sweater after noticing that she had pushed it to the edge of her desk away from all of her other belongings. All of these unreasonable actions in a row lead to Rachel possibly breaking down at home and making her vulnerable to bullying.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price is just overall an ignorant teacher who belittles her own students in front of the entire class. She believes more in having her own class progress forward and being right all the time than paying attention to her Rachel’s feelings. In addition to the fact that the sweater had been sitting in the coat room for over a month, Mrs. Price’s motives behind her actions have been exposed.
This is not a complete essay, so I assume this is this your introduction paragraph? I would simplify and clarify your language and focus on the thesis statement and arguments in support. For example, there are a lot of vague pronouns: she, it, her. Try to be as precise as possible. If the intro is unclear, then it will be difficult to do well on every section that follows. “I believe that during that…” There is no need for the first “that”. Precision also means eliminating unnecessary words and phrases. Attempt to simplify and focus, and write the rest of the essay to go with it in your next attempt. Good luck.
The first reason of why Mrs. Price acted the way she did is that Mrs. Price thought that Rachel was lying. To Mrs. Price, Rachel did not want to wear the sweater, as she thought it was smelly and gross. Also, because Rachel continuously pushed the sweater off her desk, Mrs. Price may have insinuated that it was indeed Rachel’s sweater but she was embarrassed by it. As stated in the story, Mrs. Price says, “‘Now, Rachel, that’s enough…You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense’” (Essay Prompt, 2017). The quote shows how Mrs. Price just thinks Rachel is just a little ashamed of the sweater and she thinks Rachel should just put it on. In conclusion, Mrs. Price believed the wrong thing.
The next reason of why Mrs. Price did those actions is that Mrs. Price did not want to be delayed by Rachel. She was in a hurry to continue with her math class. Furthermore, as lunch was right after the math period, Mrs. Price wanted to get as much work done with her class as possible, and became strict with Rachel, to keep the pace of the class and not let her be a nuisance. Within the story, “Mrs. Price [turns] to page thirty-two, and math problem number four” (Essay Prompt, 2017) as soon as she gave the sweater to Rachel. The quote demonstrates the rate at which Mrs. Price wants to teach, and how she doesn’t want to deal with Rachel. She just shuts her up. To conclude, Mrs. Price did not want Rachel to hold up the class.
The final reason of why Mrs. Price acted how she did is that only one person spoke up about who owned the sweater. Therefore, Mrs. Price was acting on one perspective, and made a judgement call to trust it. Instead of leaving the sweater, and ignoring the claim about whose sweater it was, she fully believed it, and gave the sweater to Rachel. The short story says how “Sylvia Saldivar [said], ‘I think it belongs to Rachel’” (Essay Prompt, 2017). The quote displays the one testimony of sweater’s owner. Due to the fact that she was the only one who spoke up, Mrs. Price had no choice but to trust it, and give it to Rachel. Combined with her faulty memory, Mrs. Price realizes that it really is Rachel’s and is confident about that thought. All in all, Mrs. Price trusted one person’s belief.
Mrs. Price was misjudged by Rachel. She thought Rachel was lying, just wanted to continue class, and believed one person. These factors caused Mrs. Price to act the way she did. Overall, Mrs. Price just did what she thought was right.
The introduction is well structured and it is interesting you advocate for Mrs. Price which is the road less traveled for most responses. That said, your points are all vague in the intro: — assuming “something”, acting on “what others thought”. Tell the reader specifically what thing she was assuming (Rachel lied) and exactly what others thought (responding to the only person who replied). Try to be specific in your essay introduction.
The first body paragraph is conceptually good with relevant evidence, but you may want to work on your use of prepositions etc. It isn’t “reason of why”. No need for “of” – the first reason why….”The first reason of why Mrs. Price acted the way she did is that Mrs. Price thought that Rachel was lying. ” might be “The first reason Mrs. Price acted the way she did is because Mrs. Price thought Rachel was lying.” Keep it concise.
The next two sentences have vague pronouns. Who is “she”? Mrs Price or Rachel? “To Mrs. Price, Rachel did not want to wear the sweater, as she thought it was smelly and gross. ” I am trying to rephrase this sentence, but i do not know what you are trying to say.
Again who is “she”? Rachel? “Also, because Rachel continuously pushed the sweater off her desk, Mrs. Price may have insinuated that it was indeed Rachel’s sweater but she was embarrassed by it. ” Again not sure exactly what you are trying to say. Start with simple straight-forward sentences. It is better to be concise and clear. Maybe you can think about ways you could write your ideas here in a simple way as if you were telling your argument to somebody else. Would they understand what you are saying?
“The quote shows how Mrs. Price just thinks Rachel is just a little ashamed of the sweater and she thinks Rachel should just put it on.” That’s a lot of “just”s in the sentence. I prefer none. While not wrong , try to rephrase the sentence without the word.
Second paragraph: The opening sentence is a good example of how you can revise your style. Perhaps change “The next reason of why Mrs. Price did those actions is that Mrs. Price did not want to be delayed by Rachel. ” to “In addition, Mrs Price acted coldly to Rachel because she didn’t want her class to be delayed.” Notice the differences. Less prepositions — no “of”s. More concise — no “is that”s. More specific — “those actions” became “acted coldly to Rachel” and “did not want to be delayed” became ” didn’t want her class delayed”.
The following sentence requires solid understanding of punctuation “Furthermore, as lunch was right after the math period, Mrs. Price wanted to get as much work done with her class as possible, and became strict with Rachel, to keep the pace of the class and not let her be a nuisance. ” The rules to combine dependent and independent clauses etc required to get all your commas right is too long for review here, but you may want to review combining independent and dependent clauses on Grammarly or a similar site. I also might not say “In conclusion,” at the end of every body paragraph. You are concluding that specific body paragraph but not the essay. It is a bit confusing.
All in all, you have some great ideas to work with, but you need to work on expressing those ideas in a high school level voice — specific, concise, and without grammatical errors. I might try to write this essay again a few times in an effort to really understand the changes in style that may help. Keep up the effort.
Thank you! I will revise and post again.
This is my revised version of my essay:
The first reason Mrs. Price acted the way she did is Mrs. Price thought Rachel was lying. To Mrs. Price, Rachel did not want to wear the sweater, as Rachel thought it was smelly and gross. Also, because Rachel continuously pushed the sweater off her desk, Mrs. Price may have insinuated that it was indeed Rachel’s sweater but Rachel was embarrassed by it. As stated in the story, Mrs. Price says, “‘Now, Rachel, that’s enough…You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense’” (Essay Prompt, 2017). The quote shows how Mrs. Price thinks Rachel is a little ashamed of the sweater and she thinks Rachel should put it on. Mrs. Price believed the wrong thing.
Moreover, Mrs. Price was rude because Mrs. Price did not want her class to be held up by Rachel. As lunch was right after the class, Mrs. Price wanted to get as much work done with her class as possible before the bell rang. So, Mrs. Price became strict with Rachel, to keep the pace of the class and not let her be a nuisance. Within the story, “Mrs. Price [turned] to page thirty-two, and math problem number four” (Essay Prompt, 2017) as soon as she gave the sweater to Rachel. The quote demonstrates the rate at which Mrs. Price wants to teach, and how she doesn’t want to deal with Rachel whining. Mrs. Price did not want Rachel to slow down the class.
Lastly, Mrs. Price acted meanly because only one person (Sylvia Saldivar) spoke up about who owned the sweater. Therefore, Mrs. Price was acting on one perspective, and made a judgement call to trust it. Instead of leaving the sweater in the class for more time, and ignoring the claim about whose sweater it was, Mrs. Price fully believed the assertion. Then, Mrs. Price gave the sweater to Rachel with full credence. The short story says how “Sylvia Saldivar [said], ‘I think it belongs to Rachel’” (Essay Prompt, 2017). The quote displays the one testimony of sweater’s owner. Due to the fact that Sylvia was the only one who spoke up, Mrs. Price had no choice but to trust it, and give it to Rachel. Combined with Mrs. Price’s faulty memory, Mrs. Price realizes that it really is Rachel’s and is confident about it. Mrs. Price trusted one person’s belief.
Mrs. Price was misjudged by Rachel. She thought Rachel was lying, wanted to continue class, and believed the one person who spoke up. These factors caused Mrs. Price to act the way she did. Overall, Mrs. Price did what she thought was right.
I might change the end of the first sentence…teacher’s, Mrs. Price, actions…to become…her teacher’s (Mrs. Price) actions because it is parenthetical information or perhaps I would connect the name in the next sentence. Make absolutely sure your grammar is correct and your style is concise for the first sentences. Do not give the grader a reason to get a bad impression of your writing. If you claim Rachel thought Mrs. Price was unfair you are going to have to prove it with evidence somewhere. You are making a claim without ever justifying it in the essay right at the beginning. Clear up the sentence outlining your third supporting argument in the roadmap. “others people”? Instead indicate Mrs. Price acted on the advice and information provided by other students. Keep it simple. “What other people thought” is not precise. What they thought about the meaning of life? Politics? She reacted to the answers provided by students to her own questions. Overall, this introduction is MUCH better. Really great job! This is almost exactly what you want to achieve.
2nd para – “to Mrs. Price…as Rachel” I prefer “Mrs. Price perceived Rachel …because…” I like the body paragraphs. You follow your outline. You make excellent use of transition clues. You used evidence from the text unlike the last draft. No major comments. Finally, you wrap it up in a perfectly concise conclusion. WOW! Are you sure the same person wrote this version? Great job. That is the measure of what you should do on test day. Good luck!
Thank you so much for the feedback!
To start, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she was wasting valuable time. For example after sylvia mentions that the sweater belongs to Rachel, Mrs.Price says, “Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” This shows that Mrs.Price was already get tired of using up her time on identifying whose sweater it is. She is a teacher and can’t use a whole day being a detective and making sure the sweater goes to the right person. Also when Mrs.Price first asks her students about who the sweater belongs to, she says, “It’s been sitting in the coatroom for a month.” This shows that Mrs.Price is very observant of time. Which means that during this whole process of asking whose sweater it was, she was observing the time and started to realize that she was running out of time and that she had to start teaching or she would be behind schedule. Therefore, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she was wasting valuable time.
Secondly, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she’s tired of the sweater lying in her classroom. For example when Mrs. Price first introduces this topic she says that the sweater had been in her closet for almost a month.This shows how frustrated Mrs. Price is with the sweater. She doesn’t like irresponsibility and wants someone to own up and claim it. Due to this she feels like she is obligated to give it to someone and targets Rachel because of this. Also, when she’s asking who the coat belongs to, she says, “”Whose is this?” Mrs. Price says, and she holds the red sweater up in the air for all the class to see. “Whose?” She repeated the word whose, which shows that she emphasizing the point that she is irritated. Therefore, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she’s tired of the sweater lying in her classroom.
Finally, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she believes Sylvia as she said that the sweater belongs to Rachel. For example when Mrs. Price is waiting for a person to claim the sweater, Sylvia says, “I think it belongs to Rachel.” This shows that Mrs.Price was simply waiting for some evidence to give the sweater to someone. It proves that Mrs.Price was gullible in believing Sylvia and made her suspect Rachel even more. Also after Rachel says that the sweater doesn’t belong to her, Mrs.Price says, “I remember you wearing it once.” This shows that Sylvia instigated Mrs.Price’s memory of Rachel wearing something red. It may not have been red but she assumed that it was Rachel’s because she had another person’s word for it. Therefore, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she believes Sylvia as she said that the sweater belongs to Rachel.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price acts the way she did because she is wasting valuable time, she’s tired of the sweater lying in her classroom, and because she believes Sylvia as she said that the sweater belongs to Rachel. Mrs.Price is very observant of time and realizes that she is wasting too much time on this matter. Due to this quality of hers she doesn’t want the sweater to stay in the closet even longer. She had a faint memory of Rachel wearing something red and Sylvia had said that the sweater belonged to Rachel. Mrs. Price had believed her. At times it’s ok to feel younger than you need to be.
Mrs. Price was in a different state emotionally, and her tone of voice wasn’t normal. For example, in the text, it states, “ “Rachel,” Mrs. Price says. She says it like she’s getting mad. “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense!’ ‘ But it’s not -’ ‘NOW!!’ Mrs. Price says.” From this line of text, Mrs. Price wasn’t ready to give up on her hunch of who the sweater belonged to, which was Rachel. When Rachel still didn’t put the sweater, Mrs. Price just about had it and just screamed at her. Her voice was obnoxious and restless, and Mrs. Price couldn’t take it. In just one class, Mrs. Price’s tone went from normal to angry and restless, and her emotional state was completely different.
Mrs. Price already had one problem outside of school, and she didn’t want another one just because of a sweater. In the text, it states, “‘Of course it’s yours,’ Mrs. Price says. ‘I remember you wearing it once.’ Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not. Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.’” One may say from this that Mrs. Price didn’t this incident to take any longer. She just gave the sweater to Rachel and moved on with the lesson, and didn’t want another problem to occur. Mrs. Price didn’t care that she humiliated Rachel in front of the whole class, and wanted things to go her way.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price acted in a weird way because she probably went through a hardship outside of school. Some of the actions that she portrayed show that she was in a different state emotionally, and that she didn’t want another problem in her life just because of a sweater. It was clear that the sweater wasn’t Rachel’s, but Mrs. Price wasn’t ready to give in and let the situation stay at where it was.
On rare occasions, adults find it harder to man up and admit their mistakes. Some stubbornly push forward and are unable to realize who they’ve hurt. A strong example of and adult similar to this can be found in the story “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros. Mrs. Price is a class teacher who is unwilling to put up with drama and only believes in herself. I believe that Mr. Price acted the way she did to, exercise authority, continue on with class, and get rid of the sweater.
Mrs. Price felt that she was supreme compared to the students and makes sure that whatever she says is done. To advocate for this, “Rachel,” Mrs. Price says. She says it like she’s getting mad. “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.” “But it’s not—”’ Mrs. Price makes sure that Rachel puts on the sweater because she wants her to feel that she has no choice but to listen to what her teacher tells her. Mrs. Price doesn’t take Rachel’s words into consideration as she is stubborn and doesn’t want to change her decision. Other than wanting to exercise authority, Mrs. Price also doesn’t want to waste precious class time for such childish drama.
An argument about who the owner of a sweater is can be an immature reason to waste class time. Mrs. Price from “Eleven” also has the same outlook on the incident taking place in class. As stated in the text, “‘Of course it’s yours,’ Mrs. Price says…Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two.” This provides for a better understanding of how Mrs. Price doesn’t want to hear Rachel’s response, and is determined to continue class. The reason between Mrs. Price’s extreme determination to continue with class, is her want to get rid of the sweater.
Mrs. Price is fed-up with having the sweater left in the coat room without an owner. She felt the urge to find the owner if that sweater pronto so that it wouldn’t be left in the coatroom. As Mrs. Price states, “Whose, its been sitting in the coatroom for a month’… ‘You put that sweater on right now.’” Mrs. Price is forcing Rachel to put the sweater on to not risk the chance of it being left in her classroom once again. The reader can understand that the main motivation behind Mrs. Prices such rude behavior, can be her unsettling urge to find its owner.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price acted rudely with Rachel to display her power in the classroom, make sure that class paused for an immature reason, and to relax her urge to find the sweater’s owner. Many of us can relate to Mrs. Price, as he may have hurt someone at least once in our lives due to overconfidence about a certain issue.
In the story, the author, Sandra Cisneros, talks about a girl named Rachel who gets penalized by her teacher about a red sweater on her eleventh birthday. Mrs. Price had multiple distinct reasons for why she acted the way she did. For one, Mrs. Price was already impatient, as the red sweater had been in her classroom for a whole month, just waiting there without an owner to pick it up. In addition, the whole ordeal that Rachel was causing due to her receiving the “ugly” red sweater, was slowing down her class, which is something that any teacher would despise. To top it all off, there can be a case made showing that Mrs. Price just has a personal dislike towards Rachel, which is shown throughout the story. Overall, Mrs. Price’s irrational actions were caused due to different reasons, but all were stemmed from the lousy red sweater.
To begin, Mrs. Price’s actions were caused by many different reasons, but one particular reason was just how long the red sweater was in the coatroom for. In the story, Mrs. Price is clearly trying to get rid of the sweater, since it has been in the coatroom for a very long time. In the story, Mrs. Price states, “Whose is this [talking about the red sweater]… It’s been sitting in the coatroom for a month.” Obviously, since Mrs. Price held up the sweater in front of the class, it is clear she wants everyone’s attention because, at this point, Mrs. Price is tired of this sweater sitting in the coatroom, and she wants anyone to take it away. When Sylvia tells Mrs. Price that she thinks it’s Rachel’s, Mrs. Price finds this as a perfect opportunity, not hesitating to give Rachel the sweater. Even when Rachel starts to mumble, “That’s not… Not mine,” Mrs. Price argues, telling her, “Of course it’s yours… I remember you wearing it once.” This demonstrates that Mrs. Price goes to the lengths where she lies straight to Rachel’s face, all due to her impatience and built up annoyance of having that sweater in there for so long.
Another reason why Mrs. Price acted the way she did was that Rachel’s behavior due to receiving the sweater was distracting the class and slowing it down in the process. Even before Rachel had time to comprehend what she should have said to Mrs. Price, Mrs. Price was already moving onto the next topic. This is clear when the story states, “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” Clearly, this demonstrates that Mrs. Price likes to keep her class going, and she normally teaches her lessons quick without disruption. With the addition of Rachel’s actions, keeping the sweater out of the corner of her desk, as well as Mrs. Price’s fast pace, Mrs. Price becomes irritated easily, as she goes on to state, “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense.” When Rachel hesitates, starting to disagree with her, Mrs. Price yells at her, which was ultimately due to her attitude of wanting to move on to her lesson quickly.
The last main reason why Mrs. Price acted the way she did was because frankly, it doesn’t seem like Mrs. Price particularly favors or likes Rachel in any sort of way. When Sylvia, which is another student in the classroom, tells Mrs. Price that the red sweater belongs to Rachel, she does not question her and doesn’t have a single drop of doubt in her. However, when Rachel begins to disagree, telling Mrs. Price it wasn’t hers, she doesn’t oblige to her comments, only trusting in Sylvia. To top it off, when Phyllis Lopez finally admits that the sweater was indeed not Rachel’s but hers instead, Mrs. Price acts like nothing is wrong.
All in all, there were multiple reasons why Mrs. Price acted the way she did. Reasons ranged from Mrs. Price’s impatience, to even her dislike towards Rachel, but it is clear that Mrs. Price definitely had intentions for the way she acted. Although she could’ve resorted to talking to Rachel and having a calm mind through it all, her impatience and negative perception of Rachel got the best of her. This shows that even as a teacher, most importantly an adult, there can be times where however old you are, anyone can act any age, just like what Rachel always says.
The ideas are well organized in the introduction. Try to make your language more concise. The following sentence for example is in the passive voice for no particular reason: “Overall, Mrs. Price’s irrational actions were caused due to different reasons, but all were stemmed from the lousy red sweater.” Instead, say, “many reasons contributed to contributed to Mrs. Price’s unfair actions, and one lousy red sweater caused all the problems.” Make it active voice. Also, Mrs. Price was rational for the reasons you describe, so “irrational” is not precise.
“To begin, Mrs. Price’s actions were caused by many different reasons, but one particular reason was just how long the red sweater was in the coatroom for.” The other paragraphs also follow this passive voice sentence structure. I suggest returning to your essay and simplifying your sentences and correcting the passive voice throughout everywhere you find it. Otherwise, the structure of your argument is sound and well laid out. Don’t let those ideas get lost in wordy and passive sentences.
I WROTE THIS IN AN HOUR AND 30 MINUTES!! 50 MINUTES OVER THE TIME GIVEN :(. PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO WRITE FASTER??
ALSO: WILL THERE BE QUESTIONS BEFORE THE ESSAY OR JUST THE AN ARTICLE AND AN ESSAY?!? THIS IS MY ESSAY: (PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK)
Imagine a world where a child could not have a say against a grownup because they are older and “know better”. In the story “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros, this exact scenario unfolds when Rachel is forced to wear an ugly red sweater that does not belong to her when her teacher, Mrs. Price commands her to. Mrs. Price’s actions towards Rachel demonstrates she thinks she can make her students do whatever she tells them to, does not care about her them, and is an impatient person who wants to move on with her day. The readers can tell from this story that Mrs. Price is a teacher with a personality that is not fit to teach kids.
To begin with, Mrs. Price thinks she can make her students do whatever she tells them to because she is older and has more of a say. For example, she puts the sweater on Rachel’s desk even after Rachel says “not mine”. Mrs. Price gives the false statement, “I remember you wearing it once.” Furthermore, even after Rachel is clearly upset, trying to get as far away from the sweater as possible, Mrs. Price continues to exercise her position of authority after Rachel tries, once again, to complain the sweater is not hers. Mrs. Price orders Rachel to put on the sweater with the command “Now!” Rachel’s point of view “Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not” describes the attitude Mrs. Price has put in her students’ minds.
Moreover, the readers can clearly see Mrs. Price does not care about her students from the way she orders them around like animals and makes Rachel cry. The readers can see from the statement “My face all hot and spit coming out of my mouth because I can’t stop the little animal noises from coming out of me until there aren’t any more tears left in my eyes…” that Rachel was not crying softly; therefore, it was obvious to Mrs. Price that she was crying. When Phyllis Lopez claims the sweater, Mrs. Price does not make any attempt to apologize to Rachel after the sweater incident. The readers can see from Rachel’s statement, “There’ll be candles and presents and everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, Rachel, only it’s too late,” that Mrs. Price’s actions ruined what was supposed to be Rachel’s special day.
Finally, the readers can obviously see from the story that Mrs. Price has an impatient personality and a “no-nonsense” mindset. She is quick to get on with her day and pays little attention to what is going on around her. After she burdens Rachel with responsibility of an ugly sweater that is not hers, she “is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four.” To continue, when Mrs. Price commands Rachel to put on the sweater, and she starts to protest, Mrs. Price snaps, “Now!” Even when Rachel is crying, Mrs. Price “pretends everything’s okay” and does not stop her day to apologize.
In conclusion, Mrs. Price’s actions support the fact that she is a bossy, unempathetic, and impatient person. She orders around her students, expecting them not to stand up for themselves against her, does not care about their feelings, and wants to move on with her day without regarding anything that is happening around her. A teacher is someone that should be patient, understanding, and caring towards their students, especially because they are helping their students make a path to their future. Obviously, Mrs. Price is none of those things, which is why she has a personality that is not fit to be a teacher.
Solid essay. It is well organized and written. The intro includes all essential points: a good scene setting, a clear thesis claim, and a coherent roadmap for the essay. The body paragraphs use an abundance of quotes and evidence to support your arguments and they are cohesive and logical. I like the transitions to each paragraph. The conclusion may be one of your stronger sections, which is a little unusual.Good job! You made a good first and final impression.
Areas to work on: There are minor grammar mistakes throughout. I will save those details for another essay. You make a strong claim that her personality is not fit to teach, but you supported the idea and tied it up well at the end. I would avoid language like “has a say.” It is too casual in an essay that is appropriate and formal throughout. Use precise language like she has control or authority. Instead of saying she orders them around like animals, a claim that must be justified, perhaps you could be more specific and say she ordered Rachel like a master commanding its dog. The imagery is enhanced by specificity and becomes more your impression and less a claim to justify or argue.
Thank you for the feedback. Do you have any tips to write faster? I did the essay in a little more than 1 hour and 30 minutes (50 minutes over the 40 minutes that will be given on the exam). The essays that I write usually turn out to be their best (evidence included- I like to look for the statements that will best support my thesis) when I have time. I’m not sure if the admissions team will see my full potential of essays if I am rushed so do you have any tips to relax and write fast? (You have to do the essay and math exam handwritten, correct?)
please answer its been a month ^^^
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Hi Jefferson, I’ve been experiencing the same problem.
I think you should write a response in the “Contact Us” section in the Home Portion of this website.
After I wrote one, someone reviewed my essay in a few days as I recall.
Thank you davidcho0217 I will try this. Hopefully it works! 🙂
I believe that Mrs. Price acted rude because she just wants to be in charge. She doesn’t care how Rachel feels at all, even though her reaction is obvious. Mrs. Price doesn’t care about the individual students, only the whole class. I also think that Mrs. Price possibly liked some of her students more than others.
Mrs. Price finds an old red sweater in the closet, and wants to get rid of it as soon as she can. She proceeds to do so at the Rachel’s expense. Even though Rachel says it isn’t hers multiple times, she insists on giving it to her anyway. She just wants to get this whole ordeal over with without worrying about how anyone actually feels.
Mrs. Price pays no attention to the individual person, and really only cares about the class moving on as a whole. She shows this by literally putting it on Rachel’s desk right after another student says its hers, most likely as some sort of joke. Also, as soon as Mrs. Price puts the sweater on Rachel’s desk, she opens to page thirty-two in their math textbook.
The teacher also could be favoring some students over others. When I read the story, I noticed that the teacher might have been acting mean to Rachel, but somewhat nicer to other students. When Rachel says it’s not hers, Mrs. Price insists on her putting it on. When class is almost over, another student, Sylvia Saldivar, says that she remembers the sweater is hers, Mrs. Price immediately thinks everything is ok.
I believe that Mrs. Price just wanted to maintain her dominance in the classroom, at the expense of the other students. She could care less if Rachel was crying or upset, and just wanted to move on with the math lesson. The teacher did this in a very rude way just to get rid of the sweater as soon as she could.
This is an interesting essay. I might change large swaths of the writing and include more quotes as evidence to beef up the essay and make it more traditional, but I like the insights and the flow of your argument. I especially like the attempt to cast another student as the favored student. I also think you make a strong point that Mrs. Price wants to dominate; she is not merely mean or overbearing. It’s something else: domination. Keep up the effort. If you can marry your perspective with the traditional requirements to check off all the boxes for grading an admission essay, then you will likely excel on this exam section.
What do you mean by “traditional requirements”
In the short story Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, main character Rachel’s math teacher humiliates her in front of her entire math class on her eleventh birthday. Rachel explains the way her teacher called her out about leaving a red sweater that isn’t even hers “in the coatroom for over a month.” Mrs. Price, Rachel’s math teacher, acted the way she did out of annoyance to the interruption created by the sweater, condescension, and ignorance to her students’ feelings.
Seeing that Mrs. Price is the teacher and therefore the superior of all her students, she acts out of condescension and power. The teacher gives Rachel the red sweater who in turn tries to protest against keeping it, but Mrs. Price ends the conversation with a note of finality. Rachel says that, “Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This demonstrates how much control the teachers has over her students. Mrs. Price uses this superiority and respect that her students have for her to end Rachel’s protest.
Mrs. Price specifically pauses during class to address the issue of a particularly ugly red sweater left behind by a student for over a month, which clearly annoys her. She immediately calls Rachel out on it because someone suggests that it is hers and Mrs. Price does not want to waste any further time on a worthless sweater. This rush is suggested through the fact that “Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four” without even a second glance at Rachel. Mrs. Price’s only motive is to get the sweater out of her hands and continue on with class. She doesn’t care who gets it.
Mrs. Price’s ignorance to her students’ feelings keeps her from realizing that Rachel, having only just turned eleven, finds being thrown the sweater is a big deal. She doesn’t pay attention to what her students think about her actions; all she wants is to move on with class. At the end of the story, when a student recalls that the sweater is hers, “I take it off right away and give it to her, only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay.” This shows how Mrs. Price didn’t care what Rachel felt, even it didn’t end up being hers in the first place.
Overall, Rachel’s math teacher is an ignorant adult who only cares about teaching her class and not about the feelings of her students. Mrs. Price drags Rachel through an embarrassing and unnecessary situation that makes her very miserable on the day of her birthday. The fact that all the teacher did was humiliate her on such a special day shows how the only important thing in her mind was schoolwork and class.
Your writing style is too wordy. I would focus first on concision–develop clear, flowing sentences. For example, the final sentence of your intro paragraph could be stripped down to “Mrs. Price is inconsiderate, ignorant, and condescending.” That is shorter and easier to read than “Mrs. Price, Rachel’s math teacher, acted the way she did out of annoyance to the interruption created by the sweater, condescension, and ignorance to her students’ feelings.” No need to repeat that she is the math teacher. No need to use wordy prepositional phrases like “out of annoyance to the interruption.” They are harder to follow and understand. Take a peek at the essay above. What differences do you see? How does the author use strong, active verbs and avoid wordiness?
The good news is we can address these issues in class. Bring this essay and we will go through it.
Unfortunately, I am still not getting an answer. Is there something wrong with this website? I thought “online tutors” in the Q&A section were included in my package
Thank you for the feedback. Do you have any tips to write faster? I did the essay in a little more than 1 hour and 30 minutes (50 minutes over the 40 minutes that will be given on the exam). The essays that I write usually turn out to be their best (evidence included- I like to look for the statements that will best support my thesis) when I have time. I’m not sure if the admissions team will see my full potential of essays if I am rushed so do you have any tips to relax and write fast? (You have to do the essay and math exam handwritten, correct?)
“It has to belong to somebody,” states Mrs. Pierce, who wants to rid her classroom of the red sweater that’s been lying in the coatroom for a month. In the story, “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros, Rachel is wrongfully accused as she is labeled as the owner of the red sweater, and she is victimized due to Mrs. Pierce’s hasty decisions. The reasons for how Mrs. Pierce handles the situation is thoroughly developed as the story is told. At first, Mrs. Pierce wants to assert her dominance of the class, and then she wants to avoid any distractions from her math lesson. Then, Mrs. Pierce continues her behavior to avoid embarrassing herself in front of the whole class.
Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did for multiple reasons, and one reason was to show that she had the upper hand compared to her class. When Mrs. Pierce wants to identify the owner for the red sweater, no one claims the sweater. At this point, Mrs. Pierce is restless and unnerving, as her control on the class seems to be disappearing. She states, “It has to belong to somebody,” which leads to Sylvia Saldivar blurting out, “I think it belongs to Rachel.” Taking this opportunity to rid her classroom of the sweater, she immediately enforces her superiority upon Rachel, although Rachel testifies that it’s not hers. In essence, because of her desire to find the owner of the sweater, and to also show her assertive nature, Mrs. Pierce acts hastily.
As a result, Rachel continues to object with the claims of Sylvia, claiming the sweater is not hers. OUt of pure frustration, Rachel creates a distraction in class, as the story reads, “I [Rachel] move the red sweater to the corner of my desk with my ruler. I move my pencil and books and eraser as far from it as possible.” Consequently, Mrs. Pierce becomes annoyed and enraged, causing Mrs. Pierce to force Rachel to put on the sweater. Although Rachels begins to reply, stating, “But it’s not –” which leads to Mrs. Pierce’s cruel remarks, exclaiming, “Now!” Mrs. Pierce doesn’t adhere to Rachel’s remarks and actions, because Mrs. Pierce wants to avoid any interruptions in her class. Thus, Mrs. Pierce acts hastily once again, showing why Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did.
The final reason that shows why Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did is depicted when she purposefully does not listen to Rachel to save herself from embarrassment.
(I accidentally pressed the post comment button, so here’s the whole essay.)
“It has to belong to somebody,” states Mrs. Pierce, who wants to rid her classroom of the red sweater that’s been lying in the coatroom for a month. In the story, “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros, Rachel is wrongfully accused as she is labeled as the owner of the red sweater, and she is victimized due to Mrs. Pierce’s hasty decisions. The reasons for how Mrs. Pierce handles the situation is thoroughly developed as the story is told. At first, Mrs. Pierce wants to assert her dominance of the class, and then she wants to avoid any distractions from her math lesson. Then, Mrs. Pierce continues her behavior to avoid embarrassing herself in front of the whole class.
Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did for multiple reasons, and one reason was to show that she had the upper hand compared to her class. When Mrs. Pierce wants to identify the owner for the red sweater, no one claims the sweater. At this point, Mrs. Pierce is restless and unnerving, as her control on the class seems to be disappearing. She states, “It has to belong to somebody,” which leads to Sylvia Saldivar blurting out, “I think it belongs to Rachel.” Taking this opportunity to rid her classroom of the sweater, she immediately enforces her superiority upon Rachel, although Rachel testifies that it’s not hers. In essence, because of her desire to find the owner of the sweater, and to also show her assertive nature, Mrs. Pierce acts hastily.
As a result, Rachel continues to object with the claims of Sylvia, claiming the sweater is not hers. OUt of pure frustration, Rachel creates a distraction in class, as the story reads, “I [Rachel] move the red sweater to the corner of my desk with my ruler. I move my pencil and books and eraser as far from it as possible.” Consequently, Mrs. Pierce becomes annoyed and enraged, causing Mrs. Pierce to force Rachel to put on the sweater. Although Rachels begins to reply, stating, “But it’s not –” which leads to Mrs. Pierce’s cruel remarks, exclaiming, “Now!” Mrs. Pierce doesn’t adhere to Rachel’s remarks and actions, because Mrs. Pierce wants to avoid any interruptions in her class. Thus, Mrs. Pierce acts hastily once again, showing why Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did.
The final reason that shows why Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did is depicted when she purposefully does not listen to Rachel to save herself from embarrassment. After learning that Phyllis Lopez is the actual owner of the sweater, rather than apologize to Rachel, Mrs. Pierce “pretends everything’s okay.” This demonstrates how Mrs. Pierce does not even want to acknowledge her mistake, and she simply chooses to continue on as nothing happened. This is due to her embarrassment, and how she doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that she was indeed wrong, knowing that Rachel, her student, was right all along.
In the long run, Mrs. Pierce acted the way she did due to multiple reasons. As the reason starts off because she wanted to assert her dominance as a teacher, the reasons after are due to Mrs. Pierce’s annoyance, as well as her embarrasement. If Mrs. Pierce handled the situation at hand more placidly, Rachel wouldn’t be crying on her eleventh birthday.
Charles or Matthew, please comment a little faster….
“Today I wish I was one hundred and two instead of eleven because if i was one hundred and two I’d have known what to say when Mrs. Price put the red sweater on my desk” (Cisneros). In the short story “Eleven,” by Sandra Cisneros, the protagonist Rachel is brutally forced to accept an ugly red sweater. Her mentor, Mrs. Price forced her to take the sweater, because she is clearly not fit to be a teacher. She obviously doesn’t care about her students mental well-being, wants to maintain a calm and collected setting in the classroom, and she is oblivious to anything other than her lesson.
To begin, Mrs. Price doesn’t care about her students’ mental well-being in the slightest. While Rachel sits red-faced at her desk, clearly mortified, Mrs. Price casually brushes it away, pretending like nothing is wrong. She even goes to the extent of forcing Rachel to put on the sweater, even though it doesn’t belong to her. Rachel sits there, wishing that today wasn’t her birthday, wishing that it was any other day than her birthday. But she still remains seated at her desk, nothing changing. Rachel explains, “I wish I was invisible but I’m not. I’m eleven and it’s my birthday today and I’m crying like I’m three in front of everybody” (Cisneros). Mrs. Price attempts to resume her lesson, acting like nothing happened at all. But Rachel feels like everything has happened, and all at once. Clearly Mrs. Price doesn’t care about her students’ mental well-being, and she doesn’t fulfill the role of a teacher well.
Next, Mrs. Price attempted to pretend like she hadn’t just forced her pupil to put on the ugly red sweater that had been left in the closet for a month. Even though Rachel is clearly distressed by the thought of even touching the sweater, Mrs. Price exclaims, “You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense” (Cisneros). Right in front of all of her classmates, Rachel is forced to put on the ugly red sweater because Mrs. Price is “older and the teacher, she’s right” (Cisneros) and Rachel is not. Mrs. Price continues the math lesson, completely ignoring the fact that Rachel is unhappy. Mrs. Price is trying to maintain the power in the classroom, and she doesn’t want any discord, or something that will distract her students from the lesson more than the red sweater already has. As you can see, Mrs. Price clearly shouldn’t be a teacher because maintaining a calm classroom is more important to her than the actual people in the classroom.
Thirdly, Mrs. Price is oblivious to anything other than her lesson. She tries to immediately get back to teaching her math class after the red sweater had taken up quite some time. Rachel thinks, “Not mine, not mine, not mine, but Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four” (Cisneros). Mrs. Price tries to resume her lesson, not taking the time to listen to Rachel’s explanation, but soon gets extremely irritated that Rachel has pushed the sweater to the edge of her desk. She forces Rachel against her will, to put on the ugly red sweater, just so she can resume her math class. All in all, Mrs. Price does not meet the requirements of a teacher because she is more focused on teaching her students math, rather than the actual students.
In closing, Mrs. Price is clearly not fit to be teaching students. She doesn’t care about her pupils emotions, she doesn’t care about anything other than her math lesson, and her only goal is to maintain a calm and collected classroom. She doesn’t care about the individuals inside of the classroom. And later in the text, she finds out that she was wrong, but doesn’t even apologize to Rachel. In conclusion, Mrs. Price acted the way she did because she isn’t fit to be a teacher.
Wow! Not fit to be a teacher. That is an extreme conclusion based on one incident. I like your opinionated thesis, and I really like your essay. This will more than do for exam day. You cover all the bases for what needs to be and should be in an excellent argumentative essay, and other readers could learn from your example. You set the scene nicely for the reader upfront, so they can better understand your claims. You provide a clear thesis claim and roadmap of your arguments. You write effectively: concise, active voice, well punctuated, etc. Each body paragraph is focused on the specific argument, begins with a transition, and provides a main claim for the paragraph. You provide an abundance of relevant evidence including quotes from the text. You do not leave it at that and fully explain why each point of evidence is important to your main claim and supports the passage thesis. Even your third, arguably weakest, paragraph is strong and well-written. Your closing restates your harsh assessment of Mrs. Price and you support your case with abundant evidence and a strong progression of ideas. You repeat each argument at the end. All in, an excellent effort! Did you complete this in 40 minutes?
Thank you for the evaluation/feedback! I believe that I actually did write this in under forty minutes! Thank you again!
Actually, it was a different essay that I timed. Do you have any tips for writing faster? Thank you!
Try to work with an outline. It takes only a couple minutes upfront to bullet-point your outline, and it will keep you on topic. If you mark those key arguments or bullet-points as you read, then you will have the quotes or other evidence in front of you too. This can help with writer’s block. Also, prioritize. Your intro and 1st body paragraph are most important. Your 3rd body paragraph and conclusion can be trimmed as necessary given time constraints. I would make sure you have a few minutes at the end to proofread, which is often overlooked. Make sure your two most important paragraphs are clean.
This took me 40 minutes to write.
“When you’re eleven, you’re also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one,” is a quote by Sandra Cisneros in her short story “Eleven.” This quote sums up the plot of the story where an eleven-year-old Rachel is claimed to own a horrific sweater. Despite her protests against Mrs. Price, her teacher, Mrs. Price forces Rachel into a situation and causes her to cry because she does not own the sweater. Using vivid imagery, readers able to understand the points of why Mrs. Price acted the way she did. Mrs. Price flaunts her power as a teacher, only cares about moving on with the class and is ignorant to her students emotions.
To start, Mrs. Price is a teacher who believes that her word is the final decree and this causes her to think that she can command everyone who is inferior of her. An example would be when Mrs. Price lies to keep up her status and show that she is always right. She says “’Of course it’s yours…I remember you wearing it once.’ Because she’s older and the teacher, she’s right and I’m not.” This shows that she has already “put her students in line” and she prohibits her students to voice their opinions without blatantly shutting them down. She fears that she may lose her status in the classroom as no one answers her when she asks the question of who owned the sweater. She makes up lies and shows that everything she says is correct in order to maintain her power.
In addition, Mrs Price decides that this matter is not important for her class time and quickly moves on with the class. Although this may seem like Mrs. Price is impatient, in addition to that, this is another example of how she does not want anybody to rebel against her law or code. “Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four,” is an action showing that any other opinion on this topic is prohibited and the discussion about this event is closed. She does not want this insignificant event to come in the way of her learning. Another example is when she commands Rachel to put on the sweater after Rachel proves her point by , “I’ve shoved the red sweater to the tippy-tip corner of my desk and it’s hanging all over the edge like a waterfall.” Rachel is being bullied by her own teacher due to Mrs. Price’s hunger for maintaining power and her impatience.
Furthermore, this impatience causes Mrs. Price to disregard her own student’s emotions. She notices how much Rachel is hurt by this experience when “My face all hot and spit coming out of my mouth because I can’t stop the little animal noises from coming out of me until there aren’t any more tears left in my eyes, and it’s just my body shaking like when you have the hiccups, and my whole head hurts like when you drink milk too fast.” Her obvious sobbing would catch the attention of Mrs. Price but the teacher does nothing about it. When Phyllis Lopez, another classmate of Rachel, remembers that the sweater is hers and Rachel gives back the sweater, Mrs. Price does not apologize or try to comfort Rachel. Instead, she just ignores the whole situation like nothing occurred. Mrs. Price is not aware of who these emotions my affect her other students and this, along with being ignorant and power-hungry, cause her to be a very negative-affecting teacher to her students who are supposed to look up to her.
In conclusion , Mrs. Price severely hurt Rachel by being ignorant to her, being assertive to her class and abusing her power as a teacher. Unfortunately, these type of people commonly appear in today’s news and they hurt others. World leaders act like this and not only damage their reputation but damage their countries, relationships and hurt themselves in the process. Even though Mrs. Price is a small-scale event compared to that example, she still affects the growing students of that class. Everybody’s teacher affects them whether is be negatively or beneficially. Sadly, Mrs. Price would affect her students in a negative way due to her ignorant and assertive demeanor and her corrupt ways of power.
Teachers are the backbone of education, and students should trust and rely on them to make the right decisions. In the essay, “Eleven,” by Sandra Cisneros, Rachel is forced by her teacher to wear a sweater that she claims isn’t hers. Mrs. Price acted in a way that may seem unfit, and there are many reasons she could have done this.
To start, Rachel remembers that everyone in the class said “Not mine, not me,” when Mrs. Price asks whose sweater it is. However, Rachel was the only one who didn’t say anything. This could lead Mrs. Price to believe that although it is Rachel’s, she doesn’t want to claim it. Rachel herself reveals that the sweater is disgusting, telling the readers that “It’s an ugly sweater with … sleeves all stretched out … and even if it belonged to me I wouldn’t say so.” After seeing the condition of the sweater, Mrs. Price could have also inferred that no students would want to take the sweater, so seeing that Rachel was the only one who didn’t deny it was hers, she dumped it on Rachel’s desk.
Later on in the essay, Mrs. Price sees that Rachel is disrespecting the sweater, and maybe even her. Teachers believe that students should have the utmost attention while learning, and distractions should be eliminated. After giving Rachel the sweater, Mrs. Price sees that it is “Shoved … to the tippy-tip corner of [Rachel’s] desk, and it’s hanging all over the edge like a waterfall.” Rachel’s dislike of the sweater could be affecting her attention in class, and Mrs. Price could notice this. Rachel could be disregarding Mrs. Price and her education while trying to distance herself from the sweater. This is why Mrs. Price gets annoyed and forces Rachel to wear the sweater, even after Rachel keeps protesting.
Furthermore, right before lunch, another student named Phyllis remembers that the sweater is hers. Rachel says that she “Take[s] it off right away and give it to her, only Mrs. Price pretends like everything’s okay.” When Mrs. Price is proven wrong, she may feel embarrassed, especially since the whole class knows, since she was arguing with Rachel “Loud and in front of everybody.” By acting like everything is okay, less blame will be placed on her. Teachers are huge role models and apologizing could give students the impression that she acts on impulse, rather than giving them the impression that she knows what she was doing and does not regret it.
All in all, Mrs. Price acted out in many ways that could have made Rachel feel bad, and they all have their own reasons and explanations. She gives it to Rachel because Rachel doesn’t deny it, she makes Rachel put it on because she is getting distracted by it, and she doesn’t apologize because she doesn’t want her students to view her in a negative way. Although Mrs. Price had reasons for doing everything she did, she could have found alternatives, rather than forcing her student to do things that they didn’t want to do.