Read the following essay and answer the question, “Why do you believe the students dislike Margot?”
Feel free to submit your essay below for review or contribute your thoughts on other essays posted. Both activities will help you prepare for the exam and the more you contribute, the more you will get out of this section.
BCA ESSAY PROMPT
All Summer in a Day
Ray Bradbury
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
“Now?”
“Soon.”
“Do the scientists really know? Will it happen today, will it?”
“Look, look; see for yourself!”
The children pressed to each other like so many roses, so many weeds, intermixed, peering out for
a look at the hidden sun.
It rained.
It had been raining for seven years; thousand upon thousands of days compounded and filled from
one end to the other with rain, with the drum and gush of water, with the sweet crystal fall of showers and
the concussion of storms so heavy they were tidal waves come over the islands. A thousand forests had
been crushed under the rain and grown up a thousand times to be crushed again. And this was the way
life was forever on the planet Venus, and this was the schoolroom of the children of the rocket men and
women who had come to a raining world to set up civilization and live out their lives.
“It’s stopping, it’s stopping!”
“Yes, yes!”
Margot stood apart from these children who could never remember a time when there wasn’t rain
and rain and rain. They were all nine years old, and if there had been a day, seven years ago, when the
sun came out for an hour and showed its face to the stunned world, they could not recall. Sometimes, at
night, she heard them stir, in remembrance, and she knew they were dreaming and remembering and old
or a yellow crayon or a coin large enough to buy the world with. She knew they thought they
remembered a warmness, like a blushing in the face, in the body, in the arms and legs and trembling
hands. But then they always awoke to the tatting drum, the endless shaking down of clear bead necklaces
upon the roof, the walk, the gardens, the forests, and their dreams were gone.
All day yesterday they had read in class about the sun. About how like a lemon it was, and how
hot. And they had written small stories or essays or poems about it:
I think the sun is a flower,
That blooms for just one hour.
That was Margot’s poem, read in a quiet voice in the still classroom while the rain was
falling outside.
“Aw, you didn’t write that!” protested one of the boys.
“I did,” said Margot. “I did.”
“William!” said the teacher.
But that was yesterday. Now the rain was slackening, and the children were crushed in the great
thick windows.
“Where’s teacher?”
“She’ll be back.”
“She’d better hurry, we’ll miss it!”
They turned on themselves, like a feverish wheel, all tumbling spokes.Margot stood alone. She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for
years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from
her hair. She was an old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away, and if she spoke at all her
voice would be a ghost. Now she stood, separate, staring at the rain and the loud wet world beyond the
huge glass.
“What’re you looking at?” said William.
Margot said nothing.
“:Speak when you’re spoken to.” He gave her a shove. But she did not move; rather she let herself
by moved only by him and nothing else.
They edged away from her, they would not look at her. She felt them go away. And this was
because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they
tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about
happiness and life and games her lips barely moved. Only when they sang about the sun and the summer
did her lips move as she watched the drenched windows.
And then, of course, the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from
Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio.
And they, they had been on Venus all their lives, and they had been only two years old when last the sun
came out and had long since forgotten the color and heat of it and the way it really was. But Margot
remembered.
“It’s like a penny,” she said once, eyes closed.
“No it’s not!” the children cried.
“It’s like a fire,” she said, “in the stove.”
“You’re lying, you don’t remember!” cried the children.
But she remembered and stood quietly apart from all of them and watched the patterning
windows. And once, a month ago, she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, had clutched
her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head.
So after that, dimly, dimly, she sensed it, she was different and they knew her difference and kept away.
There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to earth next year; it seemed vital
to her that they do so, though it would mean the loss of thousands of dollars to her family. And so, the
children hated her for all these reasons of big and little consequence. They hated her pale snow face, her
waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.
“Get away!” The boy gave her another push. “What’re you waiting for?”
Then, for the first time, she turned and looked at him. And what she was waiting for was in her
eyes.
“Well, don’t wait around here!” cried the boy savagely. “You won’t see nothing!”
Her lips moved.
“Nothing!” he cried. “It was all a joke, wasn’t it?” He turned to the other children. “Nothing’s
happening today. Is it?”
They all blinked at him and then, understanding, laughed and shook their heads. “Nothing,
nothing!”
“Oh, but,” Margot whispered, her eyes helpless. “But this is the day, the scientists predict, they
say, they know, the sun. . . .”
“All a joke!” said the boy, and seized her roughly. “Hey, everyone, let’s put her in a closet before
teacher comes!”
“No,” said Margot, falling back.
They surged about her, caught her up and bore her, protesting, and then pleading, and then crying,
back into a tunnel, a room, a closet, where they slammed and locked the door. They stood looking at the
door and saw it tremble from her beating and throwing herself against it. They heard her muffled cries.
Then, smiling, they turned and went out and back down the tunnel, just as the teacher arrived.
“Ready, children?” she glanced at her watch.”Yes!” said everyone.
“Are we all here?”
“Yes!”
The rain slackened still more.
They crowded to the huge door.
The rain stopped.
It was as if, in the midst of a film, concerning an avalanche, a tornado, a hurricane, a volcanic
eruption, something had, first, gone wrong with the sound apparatus, thus muffling and finally cutting off
all noise, all of the blasts and repercussions and thunders, and then, second, ripped the film from the
projector and inserted in its place a peaceful tropical slide which did not move or tremor. The world
ground to a standstill. The silence was so immense and unbelievable that you felt your ears had been
stuffed or you had lost your hearing altogether. The children put their hands to their ears. They stood
apart. The door slid back and the smell of the silent, waiting world came in to them.
The sun came out.
It was the color of flaming bronze and it was very large. And the sky around it was a blazing blue
tile color. And the jungle burned with sunlight as the children, released from their spell, rushed out,
yelling, into the springtime.
“Now don’t go too far,” called the teacher after them. “You’ve only two hours, you know. You
wouldn’t want to get caught out!”
But they were running and turning their faces up to the sky and feeling the sun on their cheeks like
a warm iron; they were taking off their jackets and letting the sun burn their arms.
“Oh, it’s better than the sun lamps, isn’t it?”
“Much, much better!”
They stopped running and stood in the great jungle that covered Venus, that grew and never
stopped growing, tumultuously, even as you watched it. It was a nest of octopi, clustering up great arms
of flesh-like weed, wavering, flowering this brief spring. It was the color of rubber and ash, this jungle,
from the many years without sun. It was the color of stones and white cheeses and ink, and it was the
color of the moon.
The children lay out, laughing, on the jungle mattress, and heard it sigh and squeak under them,
resilient and alive. They ran among the trees, they slipped and fell, they pushed each
other, they played hide-and-seek and tag, but most of all they squinted at the sun until the tears ran
down their faces, they put their hands up to that yellowness and that amazing blueness and they breathed
of the fresh, fresh air and listened and listened to the silence which suspended them in a blessed sea of no
sound and no motion. They looked at everything and savored everything. Then, wildly, like animals
escaped from their caves, they ran and ran in shouting circles. They ran for an hour and did not stop
running.
And then—
In the midst of their running one of the girls wailed.
Everyone stopped.
The girl, standing in the open, held out her hand.
“Oh, look, look,” she said, trembling.
They came slowly to look at her opened palm.
In the center of it, cupped and huge, was a single raindrop.
She began to cry, looking at it.
They glanced quietly at the sky.
“Oh. Oh.”
A few cold drops fell on their noses and their cheeks and their mouths. The sun faded behind a
stir of mist. A wind blew cool around them. They turned and started to walk back toward the
underground house, their hands at their sides, their smiles vanishing away.A boom of thunder startled them and like leaves before a new hurricane, they tumbled upon each
other and ran. Lightening struck ten miles away, five miles away, a mile, a half mile. The sky darkened
into midnight in a flash.
They stood in the doorway of the underground for a moment until it was raining hard. Then they
closed the door and heard the gigantic sound of the rain falling in tons and avalanches, everywhere and
forever.
“Will it be seven more years?”
“Yes. Seven.”
Then one of them gave a little cry.
“Margot!”
“What?”
“She’s still in the closet where we locked her.”
“Margot.”
They stood as if someone had driven them, like so many stakes, into the floor. They looked at
each other and then looked away. They glanced out at the world that was raining now and raining and
raining steadily. They could not meet each other’s glances. Their faces were solemn and pale. They
looked at their hands and feet, their faces down.
“Margot.
One of the girls said, “Well . . .?”
No one moved.
“Go on,” whispered the girl.
They walked slowly down the hall in the sound of the cold rain. They turned through the doorway
to the room in the sound of the storm and thunder, lightening on their faces, blue and terrible. They
walked over to the closest door slowly and stood by it.
Behind the closed door was only silence.
They unlocked the door, even more slowly, and let Margot out.
“Why do you believe the students dislike Margot?”
Your essay should be well-organized and include support from the story for your main ideas.
If commenting on the essays please remember the rules and stick with positive suggestions that can help the author. Focus on the essay structure and quality. The following guidelines are by no means compete, but can serve as a guide for useful suggestions.
- Quality and impact of thesis statement and opening paragraph. This may be the most important paragraph. Does it provide a roadmap for the essay?
- Supporting paragraphs. Do these follow the outline of the 1st paragraph? Do they use explicit examples and not deviate unnecessarily from topic?
- Prose. Are the sentences direct and effective with proper grammar and correct spelling?
- Conclusion. Perhaps the least important paragraph. Does it wrap it all up?
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Margot does not play any games, or socialize with the other children. This causes Margot to become an outcast. Margot admits her lack of friends makes the kids ostracize her when she says, “They edged away from her… this was because she would play no games with them.” Margot’s lack of social skills is also depicted when she doesn’t participate in tag and singing songs. Margot does not get along with the children and is therefor an outcast.
Margot’s peers ostracize her because she has seen the sun before. The students get mad whenever Margot describes the sun, saying, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” The students are in denial. They detest that they themselves do not remember the sun, but Margot does. This causes the students to envy and dislike Margot.
Overall, the students ostracize Margot because she acts differently then her peers. Margot does not participate in any of their games such as tag and singing. The students envy Margot because she has seen the sun before. Margot is very quite and doesn’t respond to her fellow pupils. This is only a handful of reasons why Margot is not welcomed by her peers.
The thesis sentence and paragraph is okay. It indicates Margot is not liked because she acts differently and outlines two reasons why; she doesn’t participate and she has seen the sun. The essay begs for a third body paragraph. It is better to skip the conclusion than a body paragraph. Also, I might develop some of the body paragraphs a little more. Why do you think the other students are in denial and detest themselves for not remembering the sun? What evidence from the story supports that?
The conclusion repeats the ideas in the thesis and body paragraphs, but it also introduces new evidence like “singing”. Might that be better used to show evidence in the 1st body paragraph rather than introduce it in the conclusion?
The children of Venus enjoyed to run around in the tunnels of the underground city and have fun. Unfortunately, Margot is not like the other kids. Bradbury stated that “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow”. The quote illustrates that Margot clearly did not enjoy engaging herself with the other children. It’s obvious that Margot should not be with the kids.
Not only do they hate Margot because she does not play with them but also because she does not sing along with them either. In the story it was said that “When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved”. This proves that she never wants to have anything to do with the sing-a-longs. This reason is an important factor of why the children dislike Margot though the main reason is that she is from earth.
Being from earth makes Margot a unique character on Venus. Unlike the Venetian children, she has seen the sun before. In the story she said “It’s like a penny, it’s like a fire”. Unfortunately, none of the kids wanted to believe her. They all thought that Margot was lying, so they left her locked in the closet. She was let out only after the sun went down and the kids realized that they left her in the closet for over an hour.
Clearly none of the kids like Margot because she is different. She never wants to play with them, she does not participate in any of the class songs, and she is not from Venus like them. She does not belong on Venus and her actions reflect this.
Thanks for posting your essay ntonoyan. It’s great to see the effort! There are some good things in this essay and a few areas I would look to address in your next attempts. I see a good attempt to organize the essay into a typical 5 paragraph structure. I read the outline to be something like the following:
Thesis: The other kids do not get along with Margot because she is from Earth not Venus.
Body P1: She doesn’t play with the other children.
Body P2: She doesn’t sing with them.
Body P3: She is different (from earth)
Conclusion: Summary statement of points.
Unfortunately, your thesis sentence gets lost in the first paragraph which sounds more like a summary of the story rather than a clear and simple thesis. Your first sentence seems like a good potential scene setting sentence. (Do not capitalize “A” after the comma), but the thesis statement falls flat. Answer the question very clearly, “why is she harassed?” I believe you are trying to do that in the second sentence, but “because of this” is not clear. Does “this” refer to her being born on earth (how I think you meant it) or does it refer to being harassed? You should be very careful with your pronouns. Check out the essay tutorial for some related tips. A second sentence as simple as, “The other kids do not like Margot because she is different.” would be cleaner and directly to the point? These first couple lines are the most important part of your essay. It is your introduction to the reader and a good thesis statement will cover for other errors later on, but a bad one will offset even a well organized essay in many cases.
Also, in the first paragraph you seem to miss a verb, “When all the children sing she her lips barely.” It’s good to see some quotes and examples supporting each body paragraph and I like the transition from the second to third body paragraph. Keep up the effort and practice!
The children are jealous of Margot because she has seen and can remember what they have always wanted, The sun. They say she can’t remember because they try to make themselves feel better about the thing they may never get to see in their lives. This constant taunting makes Margot become detached from what is going on around her.
Another possible reason the children don’t believe her is plain ignorance. Since they were born here or came when the were quite little and she didn’t , they automatically assume she has to be the same as them. Since they never saw the sun they don’t believe that she could have. They are close minded and won’t even give what Margot is saying a chance.
These are two displays of things that have made Margot seem detached and they are also present in the real world. Jealousy and ignorance can cause people to become very nasty. Close minded-ness also causes people to only believe what they think is possible and take nothing else into consideration when discussing different topics. Margot is picked on simply for seeing and remembering something other kids haven’t.
It’s good to see you make a longer attempt as a follow on to your intro paragraph on the last topic. That said, I see two points in the intro paragraph and only two body paragraphs not three. Are you working under a self imposed one hour time constraint for this essay? Is that limiting the length of your essay? If possible, I think it would be better to follow the 5 paragraph essay structure more precisely and fully and minimize the conclusion if you are hard pressed for time.
Let’s start with the intro paragraph. You indicate two reasons the children don’t like Margot….jealousy and ignorance. You also mention she has seen the sun which seems to suggest she is different. I suggest you add that reason and separate each reason clearly into a sentence.
Reason 1: Different
Reason 2: Jealous
Reason 3: Ignorance
No need to get into too much detail as you can save that for the body paragraphs. This seems a little formulaic, but it will help writers to organize their case clearly and make it easier for the person grading the essay to follow your outline.
That will be followed by
Body Para 1: Why and how different
Body Para 2: Why and how jealous
Body Para 3: Why and how ignorant
The body paragraphs should be at least 4 sentences long not 3. Opening or transition sentence…3 examples and supporting sentences if possible…and concluding sentence. Make sure to cite specific examples or quotes from the text. For example, show one example of taunting from the text. Don’t just say they are taunting Margot. Prove it. As a corollary, stick to the story and your thesis. I’m not sure it adds to your essay to tell the reader ignorance and jealousy exist in the real world. Focus on selling your thesis using the examples from the story. I’m also not sure what it adds to the story to tell the reader Margot is detached. Is that one of the points in your thesis? If not try not to bring in new ideas of secondary importance unless they are really backing up your thesis idea.
A few comments on grammar and sentence structure. In the 1st sentence there’s no need for a comma after “Summer in a Day”. I might restructure the 2nd sentence “The reason she is picked on, she remembers…” Instead of the comma perhaps say “She is picked on because…” I think you mean “of” not “if” in that same sentence. “Close minded-ness” toward the bottom should be “close-mindedness.” Again it is picky, but spelling will be part of your grade!
I think that is probably a lot to digest for now. Perhaps it is a good idea to take your last two essays and try to re-write them to incorporate some of the suggestions and make sure you can complete a full 5 paragraph essay in the time allotted for the essay.
Firstly, the other children are extremely jealous that Margot has seen the sun as much as she has. The children have only sung songs, written essays, poems, and short stories about the sun. They have so little of an idea of what the sun is actually like, that they weren’t sure whether or not it would be better than sun lamps. They love the sun so much that they go crazy when it comes out, even if it comes out only once every seven years. To the children, it is extremely unfair that Margot got to enjoy the sun every day back on Earth. It is not Margot’s fault, but the children are still angry with her.
Secondly, Margot is disliked because she doesn’t play games with the children. It is natural to be friends with people who share a common interest with you. In this case, the children’s common interest is playing games, such as hide-and-seek and tag. Margot obviously doesn’t share this interest, which is why she is disliked. In the text it says, “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” After all, why would you want to play a game with someone who has no interest in playing with you?
Lastly, Margot is disliked because the Venus children are ignorant towards life on Earth. Despite the fact that Margot tried to describe the sun as being, “Like a penny” and “Like a fire in the stove”, the children are convinced that Margot is lying and doesn’t remember. They are being completely ignorant of the fact that you can see the sun every day on Earth. Unfortunately, there is nothing Margot can do about the ignorance of her peers.
Ultimately, the children dislike Margot because she is different. If Margot was born on Venus and acted just like the other children, I’m sure she would fit in fine. However, she is different because the other children are jealous that she remembers seeing the sun, she wouldn’t play any games with the children, and the children are ignorant towards life on Earth. I hope that her parents do indeed take her back to Earth next year because Margot seems very unhappy on Venus.
Terrific essay kyledykstra!
I think you set “the” good benchmark for others to observe and follow.
Very well organized and structured. Great opening sentence and a strongly stated thesis with the reasons to support it all in the intro paragraph. Those three reasons clearly link to each of the three body paragraphs which provide significant supporting detail form the text including quotes. You stick to concept and do not waiver or introduce new ideas along the way. The conclusion restates and wraps up the thesis and arguments nicely with a bow to tie it up for the reader in your last sentence.
The grammar and spelling are correct with only minor exceptions. I would generally avoid the general common sense “you” in “no interest in playing with you” and “the fact that you can see the sun every day”. But it is till okay in context. I think you are talking about Margot and could avoid it.
1st para…”she acts different”. Isn’t it differently (adverb)? Or perhaps say “she is different(adjective)”?
“…lived on Earth, but…” Don’t forget the comma before but.
2nd para “sun is actually like that they…” No need for comma. Same story in 3rd paragraph “is playing games such as hide-and-seek…”
Great job!
Firstly, Margot’s peers do not like her because she is so unlike them. She is aloof. For example, in the story it says,”If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Rather than interact with them, she remains aside. In turn, the children shun her for being unable to make any friends. In addition to her antisocial habits, the children dislike Margot for her unfathomable strangeness. For instance, it is beyond them Margot would not want to take a shower like everyone else. Her unusual differences earn her the dislike of her peers.
Next, the children of Venus do not like Margot because she remembers and misses the sun, while they have never even seen the sun. Margot cannot be happy in the rain because she has experienced something much better. In a way, the children cannot relate with why she is so unhappy and quiet on Venus. “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” cry the children. They are all bitter because she has something they don’t: a memory of the sun. The fact that she still remembers what the children can’t fuels their spite towards her.
Finally, Margot is unliked because the children know that she may return to Earth, where the sun always shines. They envy her because of her possible future. Whereas they will continue to live in the unending rain of Venus, Margot may very well be enjoying what the children can’t have. The author writes,”There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to Earth next year.” Whether or not this is true, it just adds to the children’s list of why they hate her.
In conclusion, Margot’s quirkiness, her memory of the sun, and her possible future on Earth are all reasons why the children of Venus dislike Margot so much. All of these are enough for them to take away the one thing she has waited for the most: the sun coming out. Only afterwards do they realize how horrible they’ve been to her. What’s been done has been done though, and as the author says,”Behind the closed door is only silence”.
Excellent job! Another really good essay to follow the one example above. Nice introduction and lead in to a clear thesis except I think you have typos in that sentence. Is it “dislike” not “describe” in the 3rd sentence? “Them” instead of “the”? This isn’t too hard to decipher, but still try not to mix up the key word in the key thesis sentence. Your three supporting reasons are clear and can be easily traced to the three body paragraph topics. Great use of supporting examples. I like the bold and correct use of colons and proper use of the possessive for an irregular plural child-children. I think most students would not get that right. Finally, the conclusion wraps it all up cleanly. You definitely hit on all the high notes!
This part of the entrance exam should be a strength for you, but get ready for an essay topic where the thesis and supporting examples might be a little less obvious and harder to pull out of the story.
There are only small things to clean up. e.g. A few times you seem to use commas where they aren’t needed like before the pronoun “who” in the 1st sentence. “…children of Venus who….” and similarly again “she is so different from them she actually remembers the sun” “She… misses the sun while they have never seen it” and “She may return to Earth where the sun always shines.”
Great essay and good luck!
Essay
As I had previously explained, the children of Venus are jealous of Margot or, more likely, her history. Ray Bradbury explains that Margot was born on Earth and she loved it there, before having to move to Venus. The children read stories or know from their parents that Earth is a wonderful place, and they despise that Margot knows what it is like to be there personally. They feel the same way you would feel if your friend went to an amazing water park without you and you are left only to imagine what it is like to be there.
Secondly, the children dislike Margot because she is so shy and withdrawn. In the text, Ray Bradbury writes “And once, a month ago, she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, had clutched her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head.” Margot is different from the other kids, who are okay with the showers, and playing in the tunnels, and rain for days on end. Margot is not okay with any of these things, And therefore is different. The children know this, and treat her like that.
Ray Bradbury wrote that Margot was traveling back to Earth. The children believe that they deserve to go to Earth as well, and that Margo was just lucky. The children want to go to Earth as well, but cannot. Therefore, jealousy is produced. It is basically like when the teacher asks for a helper for the day, and you are not chosen, except on a much grander scale. The children hate Margot’s luck, and take it out on Margot. She replies by being shy and withdrawn.
Ultimately, the children hate Margo due to the following reasons: she lived on Earth, she is shy and Withdrawn, and she is going to Earth. For each and every single one of these reasons, the children dislike Margo. In fact, I believe that they don’t even dislike her. They despise her. I also believe that Ray Bradbury tried to teach us the classic “You don’t know what you’ve got until it is gone.”
bheem. That is an excellent, well written essay with succinct points in support of your thesis that the children are jealous and perhaps even despise Margot. They are jealous, she is unusual (support provided by you from the story even in the opening paragraph), and she is lucky while the other children are not. You continue with three body paragraphs that follow clearly from the three points raised in the introductory paragraph. I particularly like the analogy of wanting to go to a water park and being unable. Some students may turn to an analogy without also providing enough support from the text. Not the case here. My main comments would come down to minor, although not unimportant, points about sentence structure in a couple places. For example, “…the children know THIS and treat her like THAT.” Like what? Be more specific. “Therefore jealousy is produced.” Try turning that into the active voice rather than passive. “That produces jealousy.”
The final paragraph starts off with a concise repetition of your points. The last sentence leaves me wondering exactly what you mean. Was Ray trying to teach “us” or the kids? Was he teaching us a classic “lesson”? How does that tie back into the kids disliking Margot? I think you may have been going somewhere with that idea, but need to expand on it a bit. That said, great start especially for a time pressured essay!
Essay
For one, the fact that she was born on Earth rubbed against the nerves of those who had been born on Venus. She had spent almost half her life on Earth, and remembered the sun, which she described like a penny and a fire in a stove. All her peers had last seen the sun when they were just two, and according to the story, they had “long forgotten the color and heat of it and the way it really was.” All the children didn’t believe that she actually remembered it, because their minds could not contemplate the fact that someone remembered it and they did not. The sheer jealousy kept them from believing the reality.
Next, the way she acted by not participating in all their games, being so quiet and thoughtful, and having such a lack of social skills made the kids dislike her. For example, the text states, “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Also, when they sang songs of happiness and life, her lips stayed still and she did not participate. Only when they sang of the sun and the summer did she sing along. Every time she did so, her classmates would be reminded of their own misfortune of not being born on Earth. William would shove and yell at her, and make her feel as if he were better than her. Her pale, frail, stature also set her apart from all the kids she was forced to stay with. Clearly, all her peers did not include her in their games and discussions simply because she acted and looked differently.
Finally, her near and far future bothered the other children. In just one year, there was a large possibility that she would visit earth again, despite the large financial amount it would take. The children were extremely jealous of this, and it was worsened by the fact that it would harm her family so much. This made them think she was spoiled, or had special privileges. Farther in the future, she would come back, and once again, she would have a better idea of what the sun was. Those from Venus would only have that small glimpse every seven years. Clearly, the potential of visiting Earth again in the future bothered the small children, and made them hurt poor Margot even more.
It is without doubt that Margot is bullied because she is different. The fact that she was born on Earth and remembered the sun, the way she acted and would not participate in their games and songs, and her future that will very possibly include her back at Earth annoyed her peers and made them exclude her, and make her an outsider. Margot, after being tormented time and time again, deserves to go back to Earth, and come back with a new perspective.
Very good job hairball! I think your essay is well organized and provides a great deal of supporting detail. The grammar and spelling are generally good, but I might be careful about overusing the word “Clearly”. It is useful in a conclusion or while otherwise summarizing. I might not use it in the first paragraph, but that is a judgement call. Your thesis or answer to the question came at the end of the first paragraph…why do the kids not like her? Because she is different. At first I was wondering if you were going to specifically answer the question, but that punch line came at the end of the paragraph. That’s little different than other essays above, but it is clear and delivered with a punch! The outline of the opening paragraph is clear. Margot is left out and disliked because she has seen Earth and the sun, she withdraws and doesn’t act outgoing or friendly to the kids, and they are jealous that she will return to Earth. The body paragraphs follow this outline clearly. I like how you pull quotes and examples from the text to support your points. You do that better than most. Your first body paragraph is strong and your third one is the weakest, but that is how it should be ordered. Ideally, they should all be great, but you have a clear sense how to order them. The overall tempo doesn’t really flow throughout, but like the last comment this is a high level issue which means you are covering most all the basics with flying colors. For example, your 2nd to last sentence in the conclusion is dangerously close to or is a run on sentence. Maybe say “…made them exclude her.” Period. Then make a simple next sentence. “She was a disliked outsider.” The last sentence is making a judgement about her circumstances. I like that approach given you have a solid structure behind it, but I am kind of lost on the last part. Is she going to come back to Venus again with a new perspective? Go back to earth with a greater appreciation of the sun? The very last phrase left me a little confused and I think you want to leave the reader thinking that was great rather than wondering what you mean. Hopefully some of those comments help. Keep up the effort!
Margot acts like an alien from another planet. Actually that’s exactly what she is! In the short story “All Summer in a Day”, Margot’s peers isolate her because she is different from them. Since she is from Earth she is like the new kid on the block, so she is already a stranger to her classmates. On top of that, she has dissimilar interests which makes her an outsider. Additionally, her classmates envy her because she is the only one who claims to have a memory of the Sun, but at times they also believe she is lying. Thus Margot constantly feels ostracized and alienated by her peers.
Since Margot previously lived on Earth, as oppose to her classmates, she is already a stranger. However in addition to that, her interests vary from her classmates’ interests, which is why they always exclude her. The passage states, “They edged away from her, they would not look at her. She felt them go away. And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Clearly, she did not participate in much, which
I apologize for sending that. It isn’t finished yet.
No worries and no apologies necessary. It is great that you are working on it! Keep it up and when you finish we would be happy to try to help.
Essay
Since Margot previously lived on Earth, as oppose to her classmates, she is already a stranger. However in addition to that, her interests vary from that of her classmates, which is why they always exclude her. The passage states, “They edged away from her, they would not look at her. She felt them go away. And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Clearly, she was much different from the others, always quiet and listless. Soon everyone started to go against Margot, because of her strange personality.
As Margot’s peers started to exclude her from their games, they also started to envy her. Since these children had lived on Venus their whole lives, they haven’t even the slightest memory of what the sun looked like. On the other hand, Margot claimed to have a memory of the sun since she had seen it everyday on Earth. The students’ ignorance turned into jealousy. According to the story, Margot said “It’s like a penny. It’s like a fire in the stove.” Immediately the children shouted, “Not it’s not!” They were angry and jealous. Although they sang songs and recited poetry about this burning ball of gas, they had no idea what it actually looked like. They always shut her down and refused to believe her. “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” Cried the children. When they could not tolerate it any longer, they locked innocent Margot in the closet. She told them that scientists had predicted that on that particular day the sun would come out. They didn’t believe her. She told them that her parents were going to take her back to Earth next year. They envied her. As stated in the passage, “And so, the children hated her for all these reasons of big and little consequence. They hated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.” Margot was their enemy, and the children were excessively jealous of her knowledge and fortunate future!
Clearly Margot is much different from her classmates, and because of the way they treat her, she is very unhappy on Venus. She has unique interests, which make the children dislike her. Also, they envy Margot, because she knows more about the sun than they do. They do not believe a word she says and are jealous of her. Perhaps, Margot’s real home is back on Earth, where she belongs.
Wow! Much better introduction this time Annika and a really solid improvement. I like the new idea in your thesis paragraph! Margot actually IS an alien. That is correct, it is an original idea versus other essays, and most importantly it is gripping reading for the person who will likely have to read about one hundred of these essays when grading them for the real admissions exam. You are not afraid to start a sentence with “Since” or “And” which is just fine and used by great authors even though it was admonished when i was your age. Maybe just switch up the “Sinces” once in a while with a “because”? Your 3 points come out pretty clearly in the intro.
1. Being an alien she is the new, different kid.
2. She doesn’t share interests with her classmates.
3. They envy her and her return to Earth.
The 2nd paragraph kind of loses the momentum from your intro. I think the 3rd or 2nd body paragraph is stronger. You mix the point 1 and point 2 above into one paragraph. In fact, only the 1st sentence in that paragraph mentions the subject of her being a stranger. I would pull the last two sentences from the ample 3rd para “her pale snow face…her thinness” etc. and put them after the 1st sentence in the 2nd para where ” she is already a stranger”. The imagery supports the idea that she is strange and alien. Add a bit more to the idea to make a full body paragraph out of it and then transition to the 2nd body para with the “in addition…her interests vary from her classmates….”
The summary is good and you wrap it up well by saying as an alien she is better off at home on Earth. However, I think you use commas too often where they are not needed nor appropriate in the last para. Overall, a much improved effort. I think there is something in your writing that, if you tie up loose knots and work on the organization, could make yours one of the stand-out essays. Good luck!
Essay
The students dislike Margot because they are jealous of the fact that she has seen the sun. “And then, of course, the biggest crime of all was that she had come here from Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio.” This quote reveals that Margrot has more experience with the sun and knows a lot more about it since she used to be able to see it all the time. Margrot moved from Earth to Venus: “And this was the way life was forever on the planet Venus.” The students also have a huge problem with Margrot because she knows a lot about what the sun looks like, “‘It’s like a penny,’ she said once, eyes closed. ‘No, it’s not!’ the children cried. ‘It’s like a fire,’ she said, ‘in the stove.’’You’re lying, you don’t remember!’ cried the children.” They’re just mad because they’ve never really been able to truly feel the sun for themselves.
The students dislike argrot because she is anti-social. “And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood there blinking after them and did not follow.” This shows that Margrot has no interest in playing with the other children. This makes the other kids a little upset and they don’t appreciate that she doesn’t even attempt to be friends with them.
The students dislike Margrot because she is different: “And once, a month ago, she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, had clutched her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head. So after that, dimly, dimly, she sensed it, she was different and they knew her difference and kept away….. And so, the children hated her for all these reasons of big and little consequence. They hated her pale snow face, her
waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.” This quote clearly shows that the children don’t like her at all. Margrot hasn’t realistically done anything wrong for the children to dislike her.
In conclusion, Margrot is ridiculed because she is not the same as the students. The situation is completely unfair. This story taught me that being different is okay, as long as you are truthful to yourself.
I really liked a few points in this essay! If you cleaned up a few points, for me, it would be an exceptional essay for the exam. First, you stick to the basic outline well. You have a thesis and three good supporting points which you then provide examples for to prove your point in the body paragraphs. At no point do you veer off in a tangent direction. That said, and it is important to get the fundamentals correct I think before providing your own style, I like a few things you did in your essay. You grab the reader from the start with a question that plays right into your thesis. You also have a strong opinion in the end and share with the reader what the story meant to you. Great additions.
My suggestions might be as follows. You sacrificed summarizing your points in the brief summary to add your stamp to the essay which is okay, but if you have time I would add a sentence that briefly touches on your arguments to tell the reader again what you told them in the essay. The 3rd body paragraph was almost entirely a quote. It supports your point, but seems to lack your analysis and I think your analysis would be great. For example, you point out that these reasons for hating her really are not things Margot has done wrong or things that she can change. Great point. Build on it a little. In the 1st body paragraph you use a quote to indicate Margot moved from Earth to Venus without clarifying the significance of the quote. “And this was the way…” What was the way? Always w/o sun? If that is the point of the quote then clarify it and contrast it to the next sentence where you show how Margot knows a lot about the sun. Then at the end there are too many “she’s” and “they’re”s. The subject begins to get a little lost.
Overall, great job.
Thanks!
Essay
Margot does not partake in games or songs with her fellow classmates. Her parents might take her back to Earth and the rest of the pupils are envious of her good fortune. Margot stayed away from the rest because everyone hated her for many reasons. She would not take a shower since it spoiled her image of the sun. Margot realized she was different and kept away.
Margot clearly remembered what the sun was like because she left Earth when she was four. The rest of the kids were two when the they last saw the sun on Mars and they were jealous. Whenever Margot said what the sun was like none of them believed her and made fun of her. That made the other kids feel better. They even locked Margot in a closet and saw the sun again and then they felt how Margot felt. They felt remorse and let her out.
Margot chose to lead a reclusive life and not sing or play with the other kids. She also could recall the exhilarating experience of the sun, but no one believed her when she said it was like a fire. Margot was a outcaste and since she was not born on Venus like the others, but from Earth where the sun shines every day and does not rain every day.
Hi ptripuraneni. It’s great to see you posting. I have a few suggestions that will hopefully help in future essays. The first suggestion is to build up the structure of your 5 paragraph essay more akin to a classic 5 paragraph essay. You can find more information in the essay tutorial and by reading other essay samples and comments here-in. The first paragraph should probably combine the information from your first two paragraphs. First, answer the question asked with a clear thesis statement and make that statement once. I think your thesis is that Margot is different and an outcast therefore she is hated by the students. I would avoid repeating the thesis in the final sentence where the only new information provided is “she was always different.” The short story does not cover “always” so you are possibly going to get into trouble if you make claims not supported in the essay. I would avoid extreme statements like she was “always” different.
Unfortunately, your introductory paragraph says nothing more about your thesis. It should include three reasons or arguments that support the idea that Margot is a hated outcast (spelled outcast not outcaste). Often those will take three sentences in the first paragraph. You introduce some of those ideas in the 2nd paragraph; she doesn’t participate in games, she is returning to earth so students are jealous, and she is hated for many reasons by the rest. I would fold those ideas into the introductory paragraph and tighten the intro to include a thesis statement and three supporting points.
There is then really only one body paragraph here. You need three paragraphs or at least two. Each one should support the three arguments you are developing to support the thesis. Each should use specific examples that support your point and avoid introducing new information or making entirely new statements not presented in the intro. Stay on point.
Those are the main suggestions I have to hopefully improve your essays. Writing a quick outline almost always helps. Other points that are a little more particular include the following. Make sure you get the spelling correct. Also, in the 2nd sentence Margot didn’t remember because she just arrived to Venus. She remembered because she lived on earth before. It is a subtle point, but make sure you say exactly what you mean to say. The next sentence says, “None of her classmates did.” Did what? I assume did remember, but be careful. There are a few references that aren’t clearly stated and may confuse the reader. If there is any question make sure your text makes clear who the subject is and what they are doing. Pronouns and assumed references could trip the reader up. For example, who are “the rest” in the 2nd paragraph? I would also think about eliminating that sentence with “the rest” and find another supporting argument because if you cannot clearly state the “many reasons” and support the sentence with concrete examples then it is best not to include it.
Keep up the effort. Good luck!
Essay
To start, Margot was different than her classmates. In the story, it says, “Margot stood apart from these children who could never remember a time when there wasn’t rain and rain and rain. They were all nice years old, and if there had been a day, seven years ago, when the sun came out for an hour and showed its face t the stunned world, they could not recall.” This is an example of Margot being different than her classmates because she came from earth and all of the other students have lived on venus for their whole lives. The children viewed Margot as an outsider and didn’t like her because she was from a different planet. Also, it says “if they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and would not follow.” This shows Margot didn’t want to play games with the children which also made her different. The children loathed Margot because she was unlike any of the students who lived on venus.
Additionally, the children despised Margot because they were worried about being bullied. In the story William says, “ Aw, you didn’t write that!” The students realized that William is a leader and everyone would follow him because if they didn’t, William would pick on them. Instead of not saying anything, someone could’ve stood up for Margot. This of course didn’t happen as the children were too worried about themselves instead of having feelings for their classmate. Furthermore, in the story William also says, “ Nothing! Nothing’s happening today, is it?” And the class acknowledges him and says “Nothing! Nothing!” If one student opposed William, Margot wouldn’t feel so bad about herself if someone stood up for her. The children acted like it was okay to lie to Margot about the sun and pretended to hate her because they didn’t want to be bullied themselves.
Finally, the students were ignorant about life on earth. All of the students have been living on venus their whole lives, except for Margot. Margot came from earth and was able to see the sun every single day. This allowed her to know what the sun was like and she could describe it to the class. However, because the students thought of her differently, they did’t think she was telling the truth. In the story Margot says,”it’s like a penny. It’s like a fire in the stove.” The children doubted Margot and claimed that she was lying and she didn’t remember. However, if the children knew the sun came out on earth everyday, and not just for one hour every seven years, they would have known Margot was telling the truth and wouldn’t dislike Margot because she knew how the sun looked. The children’s ignorance about life on earth made their grudge on Margot even stronger.
Ultimately, the children loathed Margot. Margot was different than them, the students didn’t want to get bullied, and they were ignorant about life on earth. Attitudes like these led to hate for Margot and is why the students didn’t like her.
This is a well structured and written essay with a few minor typos and points of diction (for example do you hold a grudge “on” someone or “against” them?). You clearly answer the question provided with three supporting ideas; Margot is different, the students were ignorant about Earth, and they were afraid of their own leader. At first I did not understand your point about bullying. I thought Margot didn’t bully anyone. It was the other way around. Perhaps you could clarify who is doing the bullying up front? Later in the supporting paragraph it became obvious what you mean. I like how your body paragraphs stay on point supporting your three ideas and I really like this idea of students being afraid of William who was a bully. Oddly, nobody has brought up that point to date and it is absolutely correct! I like the wealth of examples provided in support of your ideas including pertinent quotes from the passage. Again, you brought out different quotes than others in past essays for this prompt. It isn’t essential you be unique, but it is refreshing. I might modify the 2nd body paragraph about bullying a little when you raise the example “Furthermore, William says ‘Nothing'” The “furthermore” transition didn’t fit for me. I had to read it again. Perhaps cite that this is ‘one example’ of the students falling in line behind William even though he was clearly not telling the truth? Overall, however, I get the idea and I generally like your use of transitions. The conclusion is sparse, but it covers the essentials and that is arguably all it has to do. Great effort!
I actually was debating whether or not I should have added they were afraid of being bullied by William, but I thought it would provide a bit too much detail for an introduction paragraph so I left it out. Thanks for letting me know about this and I’ll keep this in mind next time, so I won’t confuse anyone.
The students in this story have never seen a speck of sunlight in their lives. It’s specifically stated that they could not remember a time when there wasn’t rain. This is why they are so dislike her. In their heads, the students cannot even imagine the Sun; they’ve never seen it before. They’ve only recently studied the Sun and how magnificent it is. To them the Sun is just a rumor. The fact that Margot knows what the Sun looks like and how the heat of the Sun feels like leads the students to dislike Margot. They disbelieve Margot’s description of the Sun being like a penny because the fact that they have never seen the Sun. This directly leads to denial.
The fact that the students are in denial is another important factor as to why the students hate Margot. This lack of knowledge of the Sun encourages the students to bully Margot. Of course Margot knows what the Sun feels like and how beautiful it is because at one time she was a citizen of Earth, not a citizen of Venus. She describes it in a way that any 9-year old would. She says “It’s like a penny… It’s like a fire in the stove.” Yet the students keep saying “You’re lying, you don’t remember.” The students become ignorant of Margot because they believe Margot is lying. The lack of understanding and ignorance lead the students to detest Margot and criticize her for everything she does.
Ultimately, the students don’t like Margot simply because of the fact that they themselves have not seen the Sun and because they are in denial. The students are led to believe that the Sun is this magnificent thing that nobody can truly describe, but the fact that Margot can describe it while the other students can’t drives them crazy ultimately leading to the students disliking Margot.
Good first effort samuel0629. The essay has a good mechanical correctness to it. You set the scene, you state your answer to the questions and provide a couple reasons to support the thesis and write two body paragraphs around those two points and finally wrap it up in the conclusion. On the flip side, it feels a little sparse and too mechanical. I would try to expand more on your ideas with quotes and examples from the text of the story. This will be VERY important for your real exam essay. Don’t just tell the reader. Show them!
You do this in the 2nd body paragraph, but you use the same example in the 1st paragraph w/o a quote. Is there a different example you could use in the 1st paragraph? Your ideas are very close in concept. Take care not mix the ideas. It is a similar problem to adding new ideas out of left field which many students do, but it is the opposite extreme; one idea getting mixed up as if it were separate ideas. It could work in this case, however. I think maybe the structure of body paragraphs could say…the students never experienced the sun (prove that statement) and therefore (use a clear transition from body para 1 to body para 2) they do not believe Margot and are in denial (and again show us how they do not believe her). Also, you raise the point in your scene setting sentences that Margot doesn’t play with the other kids. Isn’t this another reason Margot is disliked that could be used as a 3rd body paragraph? That could add depth to your thesis and your essay. Perhaps I feel like it is a bit sparse because it lacks that 3rd body paragraph and argument in favor of your thesis?
On other details, I do not think you need to ask the question in the intro and definitely I would not use the transition “nonetheless” which seems improper in the context. I might put the question as the 1st sentence w/o the transition. Also, “this is why they are so dislike her” in the 2nd paragraph seems out of place. I might put it in toward the end of the paragraph after you have stated (or better yet shown us with examples) that the others have not seen the sun and Margot has. Then it would be more clear why Margot is “unlike” not dislike them. At the end I like how you describe the students’ idea of the sun as an imaginative concept and you use this well earlier as well, but I might rephrase the sentence to have a stronger active rather than passive voice. Overall, I think you could revise this to produce an excellent result. Good start and keep up the effort.
The first reason Margot is denied freedom of speech is because she thinks differently from the rest of the children. When she tries to express her memories, thoughts and feelings, the oblivious kids don’t realize that she has been around for the previous “Summer” (or when the clouds clear and the sun shines through), and say that she has plagiarized somebody else. For example, the narrator writes “I think the sun is a flower/That blooms for just one hour (written by Margot)…’Aw, you didn’t write that!’ protested one of the boys.” Although the boy did do the right thing by questioning the thoughts of other people, he did it in a vulgar fashion, which caused the rest of the class to follow suit and shun her.
The second reason why Margot is hated by the other student is because she doesn’t look like them. The students are all filled with joy, awaiting the upcoming event. Their faces are bright, and eyes shiny. On the other hand, Margot is deflated and aloof. “She was an old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away, and if she spoke at all her voice would be a ghost.” This was both portrayed by the way the students looked at her and by the author’s description of her. Normally, someone who is confident in their thoughts and feelings are more accepted by society than someone who sounds like they doubt even themselves.
The third and final reason why the students dislike Margot is that she acts different from the other students. “They hated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.” Her vagueness causes the students to dislike her even more. She spent most of her class time staring out the window, and even when they are singing, she continues to stare at the rain.
In conclusion, this story shows that people that have wisdom or are different (Margot) are treated as inferior to the majority or the normal people. This key lesson is shown in history many times. People in China burned books and killed their knowledgeable elders in the Cultural Revolution, and people in the early colonial times took Africans, who were different, as slaves. Think it through before you disregard someone’s words. Sometimes it can actually matter. After it passes, there will be regret.
I had a hard time staying in one tense. I drifted between pass and present: how to stay in one tense?
Is this an essay or a comment? How do I make it an essay?
…
This is an essay and not just a comment. You change tense, but appropriately certainly in the first para so far (I would just change “ends” to “end”). In fact, this essay is a big step forward from your Eleven essay. You obviously read my comments (even though I didn’t even write them yet ;)) Your hook at the beginning in the form of a question is a nice introduction to your essay. That said, you slightly missed the essay prompt question: why do the students dislike Margot? You explain why they ostracize her which is a little different. It is close enough that you could just add the idea that they both hated her and ostracized her while keeping most all the arguments intact.
I like how you pulled a lot of imagery and details from the story to back up your ideas and body paragraphs. Again, much richer than your Eleven example. In the 3rd body para you do finally switch to the idea that the students dislike Margot. I would introduce that from the get go. As I said above I think it is a small change to make it about “dislike” rather than “expulsion”.
The conclusion is an interesting, but odd mix of approaches. I like how you draw a larger lesson from the treatment of Margot and translate it into discrimination of people who are different. I am not sure I love the historical references at the very end. Could they be made or do they belong earlier in your intro or argument build up? No supporting evidence or guidance on these events is provided. I think you are assuming the impact on the reader is obvious. Also, I think the discrimination repeats throughout history, but that is not the lesson. The lesson is that those different people may have a lot to offer or may be correct in the end. Or as you say in the final lines, “don’t easily disregard others…sometimes they’re thoughts matter.” I might try to tie that lesson back into the story as well and use the fact that Margot was correct in all her claims.
I would keep an eye on pronoun references that could be confusing and plural vs. singular in a couple places. Much better job.
To start off, Margot is disliked by her peers because she doesn’t interact with her peers. She has become a social outcast, therefore causing her peers to avoid her and feel free to make fun of her. The narrator said, “ When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved.” The narrator was explaining how Margot never sang with her peers in class. This evidently shows how Margot got singled out easily. The students hated Margot because she would never interact with them, and this is why Margot is disliked by her peers.
Next, Margot is disliked by her peers because her classmates are jealous of the fact that Margot had lived on Earth. Margot had been born on Earth and had lived there fore the first four years of her life before moving to Venus. Margot’s peers were jealous because Margot had gotten to experience sunlight for long periods of time, unlike them. On Venus, the sun rarely shines its radiance because it only shows up once every seven years. The narrator said, “Margot stood apart from these children who could never remember a time when there wasn’t rain and rain and rain. They were all nine years old, and if there had been a day, seven years ago, when the sun came out for an hour and showed its face to the stunned world, they could not recall.” This shows how Margot was different than her peers because she had experienced sunlight. This is why Margot’s peers disliked her, because they were jealous of the fact that she had seen and experienced sunlight.
Finally, Margot is disliked by her peers because they weren’t mindful of the fact that Margot had been brought up on Earth, and not on Venus like them. Margot’s peers always think that Margot is lying whenever she is talking about Earth, because they forget that she once had lived on Earth. The narrator had said, ““It’s like a penny,” she said once, eyes closed. “No it’s not!” the children cried. “It’s like a fire,” she said, “in the stove.” “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” cried the children.” This evidently shows how Margot’s peers disliked Margot, because they weren’t mindful of the fact that she had been brought up on Earth. They believed that she always lied to them, because they forgot that Earth was Margot’s birthplace.
Ultimately, Margot was disliked by her peers for three reasons. First, Margot was disliked because she was a social outcast. Second, Margot was disliked because her peers were jealous of the fact that Margot had experienced constant sunlight for the first four years of her life. Finally, Margot was disliked because her peers were ignorant of the fact that she had lived on Earth for some of her life. Margot was disliked for these three reasons.
Very well structured essay. Good transitions. Solid examples and supporting evidence for each point. No obvious spelling or grammatical errors. This essay meets most of the criteria for a solid result. My only suggestions are that “hated upon” may be too casual a phrase and you use more than once the phrase “she had gotten to experience” which is a little awkward and could be simplified to something like “she experienced”. Excellent effort overall.
She remembers it and you don’t. Margot, the lucky one, the one who remembers basking in the sun, the one that’s seen it in all it’s wonder. Margot. Why? Why does she get to remember? And why are her parents planning on taking her back? It should be you! You are better than her, you actually sing when the class sings. She does nothing! So maybe you dislike her because you’re jealous. So what? It’s just not fair. Margot, that “very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair,” gets to remember the sun. And you don’t. To top it off, she might even get to go back and bask in the sun once more, enjoy it’s warmth, refresh that memory of the sun you wish you had. Your jealous, so jealous that she got to see the sun so much more than you did, that she might go back to Earth and you can’t. Ugh! How you hate that Margot.
Also, Margot’s weird. When we “tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved. Only when they sang about the sun and the summer did her lips move as she watched the drenched windows” Everyone else is normal Margot’s just plain different. There was even this one time “she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, had clutched her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head.” You don’t like her because you don’t understand her. Margot is not like everyone else, and that makes you mad, but also a little scared. Why is she like this? You don’t like her for being this weird.
You don’t even think Margot deserves to see the sun. You’re so much better than her. “ ‘It’s like a penny,’ she said once, eyes closed. /’No it’s not!’ the children cried./‘It’s like a fire,’ she said, ‘in the stove.’ / ‘You’re lying, you don’t remember!’ cried the children.” That’s why you reacted like that when Margot described the sun to you. You didn’t want to believe that she actually got to see the sun and you didn’t. Margot’s strange and frail. She doesn’t deserve seeing the sun for all of the first four years of her life. She doesn’t get to actually remember the heat on her arms, the rays of light, streaming down from the sky. Margot just isn’t worthy enough to experience the joy that the sun brought with it. You are.
So this is why you dislike Margot so much. It isn’t that she’s not nice, or that she stole your things. It’s that you’re jealous that Margot remembers the sun. And Margot’s so weird, she doesn’t deserve to see the sun. Margot is a reminder that you will only ever see the sun once every seven years, and she got to see it so much more. She got what you don’t have. So you just don’t like her.
I really like your approach to developing a hook. It confused me at first and that is probably not where you want the reader to be at the first line. I thought you were referencing an example in the story at first. Maybe if the 1st sentence were, “Imagine you are a child in Margot’s class and have never seen the sun.” For me it would then be obvious you are setting the scene and at some point you need to tie the general “you” to the students in the story. I think you do not need to say “The sun.” again either. You tie it all up nicely with your thesis statement and supporting arguments; the others are 1. jealous 2. she is weird 3.not deserving.
I think the following is not a complete sentence. “Margot, the lucky one, the one who remembers basking in the sun, the one that’s seen it in all it’s wonder.” Where is the verb? How about “Margot is the lucky one, the one…..” Then say, “She remembers it and you don’t. Margot. Why? Why does she….” The grammar is correct and it changes next to nothing. In the same paragraph later on you say “Your jealous” and it should be “You’re jealous”. That is one of the key confused words to watch out for…and they will watch out for them when grading.
In the next body paragraph connect “everyone is normal…Margot is different with an “and” or a period. Excellent details throughout the body paragraphs and you use different examples in a few cases given your slightly different approach to the essay. I think the approach to put the reader in the student’s point of view is exceptional and the rhythm of your sentences and writing in general is terrific at pulling it all off. Not easy to do.
The conclusion wraps it up nicely. I like the reference to the typical reasons for not liking another person which makes you, the student, look horrible and discriminatory. You boil all these reasons down to the real cause of dislike: she has what you don’t. Terrific. Just clean up some of the small grammatical details.
Margot is treated like an outcast by her peers because of the fact that she is different from them. For instance, it is said by the narrator of the story, “And once, a month ago, she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, and clutched her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head.” Furthermore, we can see that Margot is a little different from her peers. After all, nobody in her class screams “the water mustn’t touch my head” while in the school shower. Margot is bullied and disliked by her fellow classmates and is even put into a closet, just because she is a bit different.
To add to this, Margot is disliked because she is an introverted person. For example, the narrator says, “And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved. Only when they sang about the sun and the summer did her lips move as she watched the drenched windows.” Moreover, the reason why Margot is hated by her classmates is only because of the fact that she is shy. She never participates in any activity and only participates when singing about the Sun. The only reason why she is left out and is put in the closet is because of her personality.
In addition, Margot’s peers also dislike her because they are jealous of her. To illustrate, when Margot starts to describe how the Sun felt on her skin and what it looked like, all her peers said was, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” The students dislike Margot because she has knowledge of what the Sun looks like. Therefore, this leads the students to hate her because of the fact that Margot knows so much more about the Sun than them because her peers have only seen the Sun once when they were two.
Ultimately, Margot’s peers dislike her because she is different, introverted, and because her peers are jealous of her. She is just someone who knows more than her peers about the Sun, and that is exactly why her peers hate her, because she knows more about the Sun than any of them.
This is a solid essay with excellent organization and good supporting examples. There are few mistakes in spelling or diction and only a couple logical picking points to make. In the 2nd body paragraph you repeatedly say Margot is disliked “only” because she is shy, but that is only one of three reasons you provide. She is also different and the others are jealous. Why say “only” if it isn’t the only reason? In the 1st body paragraph, I would eliminate the word “Furthermore”. The example you provide immediately prior is your first example so I do not think a transition word for an additional point is necessary. You use excellent evidence for this point and then you mention she is bullied and put in a closet for being different. Why is it because she is different? What evidence? I conclude she was hated from the closet incident, but how are you showing it is because she is different? In the next body paragraph you indicate at the end she is put in the closet because of her personality. Which is it? Different or personality? The logic of your arguments must be precise.
Part of the purpose of the essay is to show how you think and structure a logical argument. Each example must support and explain why your reasoning is correct and perhaps even why another line of reasoning isn’t. I suggest try not to mix up explanations and make sure there is an example explaining every argument made otherwise you are just telling the reader and not substantiating your claims.
This is I guess my essay.
Margot comes to Venus presumably because of her parent’s jobs (“…her father and mother were taking her back to earth next year; it seemed vital to her that they do so, though it would mean the loss of thousands of dollars to her family.”) While attending school in Venus, Margot learns that most of her classmates not seen the sun for many years. The last time they did see the sun was when they were two years old, when they were very young. Unlike these children though, Margot has seen the sun for a much longer time and Margot is able to remember the sun. She describes it in a poem as “I think the sun is a flower/That blooms for just one hour.” To this one of the boys replies by saying that Margot didn’t really write the poem. When Margot tries to describe to the other children how the sun was like, many of them protested saying that she was lying and that she can’t remember what the sun looked like. On the day the sun came out, the children, out of envy that Margot remembered the sun, shoved Margot into a closet. They ran out and enjoyed the sun forgetting about Margot. They did not even care about Margot, basking up all the sun that was there. When the students came back in, they let Margot out and sat back down glumly. Margot’s remembrance of the sun also causes the next reason why many students don’t like her, her antisociality.
Margot is an antisocial nine year old that does not play with any of the other children, sing with them, or just be a regular nine-year old child. Ever since Margot came to Venus, she did not act like the other children. Margot would not participate in the games that her classmates played in the tunnels of her underground home. If they tagged her and ran away, Margot would not follow, only blink at them. When her class sang songs about happiness and life and games, Margot would barely sing. And the only time that the class sang about the sun and summer, Margot would sing with them, all the while staring at the wet windows and the rain that pattered against them.
Margot is also just plain different from the rest of her classmates. She is described as an old, black and white photograph an “old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away, and if she spoke at all her voice would be a ghost.” Her physical appearance itself supports this description. “Margot stood alone. She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair.” This goes to show that Margot used to be a lively girl that was flushed with color and the four years of rain seemed to have gradually stripped Margot of her liveliness and pomp.
In conclusion, Margot is hated by her classmates. They envy her remembrance of the sun and don’t believe her when she describes the. They hate her for antisociality, hating that she never joins in the games and playing of her classmates. And finally, Margot is hated just by her difference and physical appearance. All in all, Margot is hated by her classmates.
This is a clean, simple opening paragraph and it works well to provide a scene setting and clearly state your thesis. Check. Check. My only suggestion is to make sure to keep it simple. The last sentence is kind of awkwardly wordy, “difference to many of the other students”, and it might be simplified to say something like, “Margot is ostracized because she is different from the other students, has seen the sun, and is antisocial.”
1st body paragraph “classmates (had) not seen the sun”. Make sure to proofread your essay for spelling, grammatical errors and occasional missing words. No need to say 2 years old is very young. 2 years old is specific enough. I like the 1st body paragraph. It stays on point about Margot seeing the sun and provides good details. It isn’t just details, but it is told in a rich story-like manner. I just might consider eliminating the last sentence. It feels like an awkwardly phrased attempt to transition to the next idea; “Margot’s remembrance caused…”. I would keep the sentences simple and active and cut this one. Use “in addition” or a similar transition at the start of the 2nd body paragraph instead. Replace the word “be” a regular 9 year old with “act like” a regular 9 year old? Otherwise it reads “she is a 9 year old….that doesn’t be a regular 9 year old.” Your supporting examples are excellent and right on queue. This is the strongest aspect of your essay!
Your conclusion wraps up the points, but again it is written with those awkward sentences that are in some cases in the passive voice. e.g. “Margot is hated just by her difference…”. Keep the sentences simple and active in voice. You tend to slip into these awkward phrases in your writing. I might pay close attention to avoid that on the exam essay and practice another essay to work that out beforehand. No need to repeat that the students hate her again at the end. Perhaps you can draw a lesson or end it differently? Another essay makes an interesting point at the end that most people are disliked because they did something mean, but in Margot’s case she was disliked only for being different. …something like that works well in the conclusion.
Ok thank you for the advice
The children in Margot’s class dislike her since she is different from them. Not only was she born on a different planet, she also looks different. In fact, it says in the story,”they hated her pale snow face”. That shows that the children dislike her looks and her “outsider” status. Furthermore, she is hated for being antisocial and almost depressed. She “would play no games” with the other children. She wouldn’t sing; she would just stare and hope for the happiness of the sun again. This makes the children dislike her because they think that their games are fun, when Margot doesn’t play them, she almost insults the other children.
Although the children might say that they dislike Margot because of her outcast status and physical differences, the children are almost certainly jealous of her since she has seen the sun recently. This jealously drives apart Margot and the other children. The children can only imagine the sun while Margot has seen it. This jealousy drives William and the other children into locking Margot in a closet when the sun came out. In the end, the children that they have been horrible to Margot let her out of the closet. They feel guilty for holding her. Now, Margot must now wait 7 more years to see the sun.
In addition, the children dislike Margot because they believe she is a liar. When Margot says that the sun is “like a penny” and like a stove and fire, the other children call her a liar. Even though Margot knows that she is right, and she insists, the other children don’t believe her solely since they haven’t seen the sun by themselves. At the end of the story, the children realize that Margot has been right about the sun the whole time. Once the see the sun, they start to feel sympathetic to Margot. When they open the closet at the end, they realize how mean and unforgiving they have been to Margot.
In conclusion, the children bully and dislike Margot due to many reasons, although some not justified. Margot was different in physically and emotionally. She also came from a different planet. Margot is also dislike since the children are jealous of Margot, who has seen and remembered the sun. Margot is also treated badly since the children believe that she is a liar. All in all, she is hated by her classmates.
Proofread your essay especially the opening para and the last line. This is where you introduce yourself and leave your last impressions for the reader If you have missing words or other errors it will stand out like “she moved the Venus recently” Did you mean to Venus recently? You really like to use the word “since”. Maybe you could switch it up and use “because” or some alternatives as well?
In the 2nd body para I might add an additional example or quote to support the point. You didn’t prove the jealousy argument sufficiently with evidence in my opinion and there are examples in the story to support that point. Again proofread. ” In the end, the children that they have been horrible to Margot…” is an awkwardly phrased sentence. Keep it simple, straight forward and active. I like the idea of being a liar and the supporting examples in the 3rd body para. The conclusion is also a good reflection of the essay arguments, but again you should proofread it. “Margot was different in physically and emotionally.” Awkward…maybe w/o the “in”?
“Margot is also dislike since the children are jealous of Margot, who has seen and remembered the sun.” This also seems a little awkward and do you mean dislike(d)? I think you could rephrase the sentence to be simpler. Keep the writing simple and clear and your essay should be just fine.
Thank you
Hi! This is my essay, but I ran out of time in the end, so sorry if the last two paragraphs aren’t well done. I also couldn’t really come up with a good explanation for some quotes, so please tell me what I did wrong and how I can improve. Thank you!
Margot’s personality is a large source of the students hatred towards her. For example, Margot seems very distant and blank. In the passage, the author states, “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” This shows us that Margot doesn’t play with other students, therefore crippling her social life. Moreover, the author says, “When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved.” This clarifies how Margot doesn’t portray any emotion at all. This could also reveal to her classmates that she doesn’t care about happiness and life at all, so the students would naturally dislike her.
The students may also be jealous of Margot. As stated in the passage, it says, “and then, of course, the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio,” which clarifies the fact that Margot knows what the sun looks and feels like, and all her classmates has no memory of the sun whatsoever. Furthermore, a rumor was going around about the fact that Margot’s “father and mother were taking her back to earth next year…” Margot would be able to see the sun everyday again apart from all her classmates who may live on Venus for the rest of their lives and only see the sun every several years.
Lastly, since the students have no memory of the sun at all, they believe that everything Margot says is a lie. They all protested whenever she said something about the sun, saying “you’re lying, you don’t remember!” Even though Margot knows that she is right, she let her classmates call her a liar, therefore leading them to believe themselves. Hence, it is also partly Margot’s fault the students hate here because she let them believe that she is a liar.
Margot is very disliked by the students. It may have been her blank and lifeless personality, the students’ jealousness, or the fact that the students haven’t seen the sun at all and think that Margot lies about the sun, but the hatred stayed the same. In the end, they realized that Margot hadn’t been lying at all and notice how cruel they were to her.
That is a good, straight forward introduction. You state the thesis that the students did not like Margot and gave an example of it…they locked her in the closet. You outline your reasons and set up the body paragraphs well. The first body paragraph provides good examples of her anti-social behavior, but try to layer in examples of the students reactions to drive home the argument. The author says, for example, “They knew she was different and stayed away,” or “They edged away and would not look at her.” Show your reader how the student’s reacted to Margot’s weird behavior. It is not enough to show she was different. If your thesis is they hated her then you must also show the student’s reactions that followed her behavior to prove your point. You do this well in the third body paragraph for example. Overall, well organized body paragraphs. I might suggest some changes or additions to the conclusion. “very disliked” and “jealousness” could be rephrased. Remember they are looking for students to write in a high school level voice (and vocabulary). I don’t quite follow why the “hatred stayed the same”, but I do like the attempt to convey a lesson learned at the end when the students may have realized they were really cruel. You could possibly expand on that a little to really make for a powerful conclusion and leave the reader impressed at the end. This is a solid early effort. Keep it up.
In the short story “All Summer in a Day”, a student named Margot is constantly getting harassed by the other students. I feel that they do this because they are jealous of her. While all of her classmates were born on Venus, Margot was born on Earth and had the opportunity to experience the sun every day. Her classmates only get to experience it once every seven years.
Margot is also ostracized by the other students because of her anti-social personality. She does not interact with the other students at all. She never played any games with them, and barely moved her lips when they sang songs. Whenever the kids tried to interact with her, she just ignored them and kept quiet. Nobody tried to be Margot’s friend, but Margot liked it that way.
Finally, I think the last reason Margot’s peers disliked her was that they thought she was a liar. Margot was the only one who lived on Earth and remembered the sun. All her peers were too young to remember when the sun came out when they were two. When Margot tried to describe the sun to them, they didn’t believe her, as her descriptions sounded strange. She said the sun “was like a penny” and was “like a fire on a stove.” If only they remembered the sun, then Margot would not have been disliked as much, and maybe would’ve been good friends with all her peers.
I would include a roadmap of your arguments in the intro, but you did say you had to cut it short. Your writing is sound and your points are good; jealousy, anti-social behavior, and veracity. However, you pointed to events in the passage that might suggest to the reader your arguments are valid, but can you show examples why it made the students feel the way you claim they felt? Quotes and other examples to support your point would be effective. Show the reader. Do not just make a claim even if it seems reasonable to you. Again no conclusion. I assume it is cut in the interest of time.
Jealousy comes from not just arrogance, but from being unable to experience or be exposed to things that others have been to. Relatably, in the short story All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury, Margots fellow classmates, who all originated from Venus, spited Margot out of jealousy because of everything that she has been exposed to that they have not. Not only does Margot know what it is like to be exposed to the sun, but she has an unfamiliar appearence, and she is more distant and reserved.
To begin, Margot’s classmates jealousy and hatred originates from the fact that she knows what it is like to see the sun. To illustrate this point, although all her classmates were born on Venus, Margot only live there for a couple of years. “And then, of course, the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio.” Clearly, unlike her fellow classmates, Margot had been exposed to things that they were not, more specifically, the sun, which is where their hatred sparked from.
Then, Margot’s classmates also feel a jealous sense of hatred because of her appearence which they are not used to being exposed to. Unlike the other students who have only been exposed to the atmosphere and climate of Venus, Margot’s looks originate partially from Earth. “They hated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.” As can be seen, Margots fellow classmates hate her outward appearence as it is a reflection of what she has been exposed to that they have not.
In another sense, the children feel jealousy for Margot due to her shy, introvertness that resulted from her different origin. For example, although Margot refuses to take part in any class activity relating to happiness, she does show interest in activities that remind her of the sun. “When the class sung songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved. Only when they sang about the sun and the summer did her lips move as she watched the drenched window.” Margots timidness and quiet attitude is a result from her longing for what she recalled as the sun, which her classmates see as something she has that they do not.
In the final analysis, the children despise Margot out of jealousy for everything she has that they do not. Being exposed to the sun, having an outworld influenced appearence, and distancing herself from her classmates are all factors that the children spite due to her allienated origins. Everyone is different, and if the children were not so hasty to resent Margot, then she could have informed them all about the wonders of Earth and being aquainted to the sun.
The organization and structure of the essay is good. I would separate in the intro your last two arguments, Margot’s appearance and distance, from the fact she saw the sun. It is not clear if they are related ideas or additional arguments explaining the hatred of the classmates. The examples are detailed and on point to support the hatred, but they veer off course with the last example to support jealousy in the third body paragraph. What does not singing unless about the sun have to do with proving the classmates are jealous? Avoid the passive and somewhat awkward sentences including the end of the topic sentence which stands out. “because of her appearence which they are not used to being exposed to” or or “being exposed to the sun…” Try to rephrase them into an active voice and also be careful about grammar and spelling. Appearance is not appearence and there is no such word as introvertness. Introvertedness is. Alienate not allienate. I like the last comment or lesson conveyed. You are on course. See if the suggestions can help for the next example you try.
In the short story “All Summer in a Day”, the students dislike Margot for three reasons. These three reasons are Margot’s reluctant decision to not participate in activities, Margot’s memory of the sun, and Margot’s hopefulness of the sun’s arrival. The students in margot’s class treat her with disrespect because she is presumably different.
To begin, the students dislike Margot because she does not take part in class activities. Margot makes the reluctant decision to not participate in class activities, such as tag and singing. The narrator states,”Only when they sing about the sun and the summer did her lips move.” Margot suggests she is grieved by the truth that there is a seven year gap between the darkness and sunlight of Venus. This truth is what leads to margot not participating in activities.
Another reason the students dislike Margot is because Margot has seen the sun. margot used to live on Earth. On Earth, the sun shines quite often in most places, unlike Venus. When Margot tries to describe the sun, the other students rebuke her description. Margot states,” It’s like a penny.” A young male in her class reprimands her by saying,” You’re lying, you don’t remember.” The other students are blatantly jealous Margot has seen the sun.
The final reason the students dislike Margot is because Margot is hopeful about the sun’s arrival. Margot heard the predictions of the scientists about the sun. The predictions are that the sun will shine on Venus today. A classmate of Margot’s states,”All a joke,” referring to the comment made about the predictions by Margot. None of her classmates believe the news. The students decided the only suitable solution for Margot would be shoving her into a closet in order to stop her from talking about the predictions.
In conclusion, the students dislike Margot for three reasons. These three reasons are Margot’s reluctant decision to not participate in activities, Margot’s past encounter with the sun, and Margot’s hope surrounding the presence of the sun. For all these reasons, Margot is seen as an outcast by her classmates and is ostracized for these reasons.
This is a well organized and straightforward essay if not a little on the lean side. You state your thesis clearly and outline your arguments and make them. You have some supporting evidence for each and you restate the arguments in the conclusion. This is mechanically good with a couple exceptions. However, it feels too lean and may need some extra supporting content or perhaps a hook or scene setting sentence…something in addition to the mechanical exercise. I can tell you are a very logical person. Good!
As for mechanical details, Margot is a proper noun and must be capitalized. The last sentence of the intro adds a 4th point or explains the students reasons with either a 4th new argument or an entirely new statement explaining their behavior due to Margot being different. I don’t think this was your intention. I suggest writing an outline to make sure you do not bring in new points throughout the essay which can confuse the reader and minimize the forcefulness of your other arguments.
Thank you for you feedback Charles! I will be taking this into account when I write my next essay.
As stated by the author , she is an outcast, sailing away from similarities and shipwrecked on the island of abnormalities. The story says, “They edged away from her…because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city.” Instead she would stand there blinking like being a tree, being watered by the torrential downpour of Venusian life.
Margot was disliked by the Venusian children for not being like them such as not singling. According to this story, “When the class sang song about happiness and life, her lips barely moved.” She only sang about the sun as a manner of remembering her past life. Since she is unlike them, she is thus treated differently and conclusively disliked.
Nevertheless the most prominent reason for the Venusian children’s loathing is because she is different; she comes from earth. She is unlike them, an alien of some sort. Her actions are conflicting with the ways of domestic life on Venus. But most saliently is that she can remember the sun. While the other children must use their imagination and the iota of knowledge they have, pondering the regal appearance of the sun, Margot has first hand knowledge, reveries of the flaming chariot tat crosses the sky. She says the other children, “It’s like a penny…like a fire in the stove.” The Venusian children are envious of her and her gift of remembering and knowing the sun.
The Venusian children are close minded kids who envy Margot for her differences. Opposed to accepting that she us different and being jovial about it, they punish her, lock her in a room, alone and forgotten , like a single star in the night sky. Just for not playing with others, singing, or being from Venus, she is forsaken and left behind, not having the rare experience of seeing the sun from Venus. Margot is ultimately dislike just for being new to Venus.
Watch your spelling throughout. There are numerous errors that take away from writing in a “high school’ level voice. Moreover, you have fragment sentences. e.g. “But most saliently is that she can remember the sun.” There are also other mistakes like unclear references “Opposed to accepting that she (i)s different and being jovial about it, they….”. Is ‘she’ being jovial or ‘they’? The remainder of the sentence can be cleaned up as well . “they punish her, lock her in a room, alone and forgotten , like a single star in the night sky.” Do you want to create a parallel structure like “punish her, lock her in a room, (leave her) alone in a room….” or do you want to eliminate commas and make it “they punish her and lock her alone in a room like single star…”
Your essay structure is a little different, and that could work except there is no clear thesis statement. You begin with a full paragraph recapping the entire story. While a scene setting can be useful, there is no clear thesis statement or roadmap of the arguments you intend to make in support of that thesis in the introductory paragraph. The second and third paragraphs then make two arguments to explain why she is not liked. That is the strongest point of your essay. I see some good elements to build on in this effort, but I would work on grammar and think more carefully about how you want to structure your essay. Keep up the effort.
Feeling, the suns golden heat tick your skin warm is more rare than someone running across the globe in a mere twenty four hours in Venus. Having that privilege , is something they pined for, “but Margot remembered”. This caused the kids to be jealous of her. This idea was engraved in even deeper when the children shoved Margot in the closet, because of her supposedly false information” on the sun, one can infer they were jealous though. Clearly, the other children frown upon Margot due to luck, not to mention she may get more in the future.
All the children knew, though they may not express it – that Margot was very lucky. “There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to earth next year”. One can infer that this only deeped the wound of their dislike for Margot.
In all ways possible, Margot was the odd one out. She could not blend in, and didn’t seem to want to. “ They hated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future”. She had many gifts they could never acquire, not to mention, she flaunted her differences by adding on to them. She chose to not converse with her fellow peers. Overall, it is evident that these distinctions did not help her appeal to the children.
Margot’s fellow peers despised her due to her privilege of living on earth, possible returning there, and the way she made an effort to be different. Her divergent character was frowned upon by her fellow students. Overall, who can blame them? The children felt it was unjust, though they did not react properly. It is as if a dog treat had been dangled in front of a dog, but never given.
If anyone has any comments or suggestions, I would appreciate them very much. Thanks!
This essay is stronger than your last. It provides more evidence and some better imagery for the reader. I particularly like your comment about Margot being perceived as ‘privileged’. Other arguments have included some of the same ideas, but none are as succinctly stated. Margot’s differences, good luck, and unwillingness to join others makes her appear privileged like she is somehow better. There are still several of the grammar errors especially related to commas and combining clauses. For example, “The children felt it was unjust, though they did not react properly.” Though is a subordinating conjunction which makes the clause “though they did not react properly” a dependent clause. It doesn’t stand alone as a sentence. If the dependent clause comes first it always takes a comma to separate it from the independent clause, but if it comes after, as in this case, it almost always doesn’t take a comma. The correct punctuation should be, “The children felt it was unjust though they did not react properly.” Here is a good discussion of the related rules. http://www.butte.edu/departments/cas/tipsheets/grammar/indep_clause.html
Hi Matthew,
Thanks for your comments. The link was extremely helpful, as well.
Margot was looked at and labeled as “different”from the day in the showers when she refused to let the water touch her head. Margot had always wanted and needed the sun and nothing else. It had become an obsession, so she had distanced herself from everyone else. “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved. Only when they sang about the sun and the summer did her lips move as she watched the drenched windows.” This shows how different Margot was from the others. The other kids knew it, but they did not understand it. She was like a puzzle that no one could solve. She did not care for friends, so the others began to stay away. They began to hate her, and this hate emerged from jealousy and confusion.
Margot’s classmates also labeled her as a liar eventually, though this is less obvious. Seeing that she was different, and claimed to have seen the sun (which they didn’t want to believe), they didn’t know what to make of her, and therefore, simply decided to not trust her. On the day before the sun came out, they had to write about the sun. “I think the sun is a flower, That blooms for just one hour. That was Margot’s poem, read in a quiet voice in the still classroom while the rain was falling outside. “Aw, you didn’t write that!” protested one of the boys. “I did,” said Margot. “I did.” “William!” said the teacher.” Similarly, the next day when the same came out, the students locked Margot in a closet. Why? Because she was the one who had said that the sun was going to come out. While the children stood, squabbling and waiting, they began to lose patience and hope that the sun was going to come out. In their class, who had said that the sun was going to come out? Margot. And they didn’t trust Margot anymore. So when they lost hope, the kids vented their frustration on Margot by locking her in a closet. They thought that she had lied to them again. Similarly, in the quote about the poem above, the kid (William) couldn’t believe that Margot had written that poem. She might have been a good writer naturally, but the kids didn’t trust her enough to believe that anymore. And all Margot said, was “I did.” That’s not exactly the best defense to an accusation!
The children disliked Margot because of the opportunities that she had. She had been able to live on Earth, and had felt the sun. But the kids in her class had been on Venus all their lives. They couldn’t remember the last time the sun had came out, they were only two years old then. I addition to that, there was talk that Margot’s parents might be taking her back to Earth. The other children knew that they would probably be stuck on Venus forever, and they were envious of Margot’s chances of seeing the sun again. As stated in the story, “There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to earth next year; it seemed vital to her that they do so, though it would mean the loss of thousands of dollars to her family. And so, the children hated her for all these reasons of big and little consequence. They hated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future.”
So though it was both Margot’s fault, and the other children’s fault, Margot slowly became hated by her classmates. She had the prospects of a brighter future, which she unknowingly flaunted to the others. She became labeled as a liar for this. The kids didn’t want to believe that she knew, that she remembered, that she had something that they had lost seven years ago. And it was only made worse by the fact that she was quiet, and different from the others. For these reasons, Margot was hated by the other students on Venus.
1st Paragraph: The thesis is the students hated Margot because she was different, a liar, and had been to earth. This outline is clear to the reader, but isn’t the latter an example of being different rather than a distinct reason in itself? Just be careful not to confuse or mix related ideas. Try to keep your arguments distinct. As for grammar, I suggest you focus more on precise language, avoiding fragments, comma splices etc. “This was caused by a lot of different events,” could be rephrased. “This” is not so much vague as imprecise, and “by a lot of different events,” could be simplified by more precise words also. How about, “…all the students hated Margot for a variety of reasons.” “So she remembered how the sun would glow in the sky,” is a fragment – not a complete sentence. Maybe put a period before “but”, ditch the “but”, and say “Margot was different…., so she remembered…” “Then, she would talk to her classmates, and tell them about it,” does not need a comma before the “and”. “tell them about it” is not an independent clause so a comma and coordinating conjunction are not appropriate. “And” is sufficient. Likewise, there is no need for a comma before “because” in the next sentence. The word “because” is only preceded by a comma when its meaning is unclear. The next two sentences could be combined. While it is not incorrect to start sentences with “and” or “but”, there is no need in this case. A comma and coordinating conjunction (and) is all that is required to combine the two sentences. I suggest reviewing the link above. It is a good guide to begin covering these various grammar rules. Your 2nd paragraph does use commas and punctuation correctly, so please don’t take my thorough list of paragraph 1 grammar as a wholesale criticism. There are many positive aspects in this full essay, and, if I have time to address more of them, I will at a later time.
I wrote this in 40 min
Have you ever been in a situation where people dislike you? The short story, All Summer in a day, takes place on Venus where the sun only shines for an hour every seven years. The main character had moved to Venus from Earth when she was four and has a good memory of how the sun looks like and is very eager to see it again. The students dislike Margot because she isn’t social, acts too smart, and is the only student in her class who remembers how the sun looked like.
The students dislike Margot because she isn’t social. We can see this when the narrator says, “she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved.” This shows that the other students don’t have much of a social interaction with Margot and therefore feel the need to dislike her. We can also see that she doesn’t get involved with many school activities either, this stops Margot from socializing and/or meeting new people. Therefore the students dislike Margot because she isn’t social.
The students dislike Margot because she acts too smart. For example in the story it says, “I think the sun is a flower, That blooms for just one hour. That was Margot’s poem, read in a quiet voice in the still classroom while the rain was falling outside. ‘Aw, you didn’t write that!’ protested one of the boys.” This shows that the boy thinks that the poem is well executed and is in disbelief that Margot wrote it. From this we can conclude that Margot is good at school and is intelligent. We can see that she gets picked on by other kids because they aren’t like her. Therefore the students dislike Margot because she acts too smart.
Also, the students dislike Margot because she is the only student in her class who remembers how the sun looked like. In the story it states, “she had come here only five years ago from Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio. And they, they had been on Venus all their lives, and they had been only two years old when last the sun came out and had long since forgotten the color and heat of it and the way it really was. But Margot remembered.” This shows us that since Margot is the only one who remembers the sun, she talks about the sun the most. The other students may feel left out and dislike her for this because they don’t recall seeing the sun and might say that it’s unfair that she does. Therefore the students dislike Margot because she is the only student in her class who remembers how the sun looked like.
In conclusion, the students dislike Margot because she acts too smart and is the only student in her class who remembers how the sun looked like. The other students may dislike her because they don’t have much of a social interaction with Margot. As well as the fact that others students aren’t as smart as Margot. Also the other students feel like it’s unfair that she gets to remember the sun shining whereas they don’t. If you were Margot what would you do to stop the other kids from disliking you?
Clinical essay in many respects; it is organized well. You include a hook at the start with your question to the reader. You summarize the story and succinctly state your three arguments in favor of the thesis which is a clear response to the prompt. Your grammar, punctuation, and style are excellent on the whole. Great job for 40 minutes of effort. My suggestions include the following minor corrections and ideas.
“We can also see that she doesn’t get involved with many school activities either, this stops Margot from socializing and/or meeting new people. ” The previous sentence is a comma splice. Perhaps combine the two independent clauses with a semicolon instead after the word “either”? or a comma and coordinating conjunction like “either, and”? Also, “this” is a vague pronoun in the sentence. It is subtle but vague. Perhaps say “this behavior” instead. Watch out for words like “this: and “it” as they are often culprits for vague pronouns. I would add commas in a couple places to separate the stand alone word at the start of the sentence. e.g. “Therefore the students dislike Margot because she acts too smart.” Place a comma after “therefore”. The following sentence in the conclusion is a fragment; it isn’t a complete thought. “As well as the fact that others students aren’t as smart as Margot.” My hunch is you just missed it in the time pressure of 40 minutes. Make sure to leave some time to proofread your work. As for bigger picture ideas, I am not sure you provided any real evidence for the boy’s conclusion that Margot’s poem was well executed. Your inference is a bit of a jump because it is not directly supported by the text. I see where you are going with that idea, but perhaps that logical connection could be strengthened? I thought that was interesting because in the next paragraph you stick more literally to the text and say the students dislike Margot because she has seen the sun without making the justifiable inference that they were jealous and that was the source of their dislike. I think your quality of writing and style fades a little at the conclusion, but I realize you were also a little rushed at that point. Remember, the conclusion is the last impression you will make on the person grading your paper. Overall, these are a lot of detailed comments and that means you have tackled most of the broad strokes very well.
Margot acted in a cold and distant manner towards her classmates. While all of her peers were bustling with excitement at finally seeing the sun, “Margot [just] stood alone” (Bradbury). With no intentions of interacting with her classmates, Margot did not gain any friends on which to depend. Since nobody was there to support and defend her, Margot was more susceptible to bullying and teasing. In addition, when she and her classmates were in the underground city, she did not play tag with them. Instead, “she stood blinking after them and did not follow” (Bradbury). The other children attempted to bring Margot into their group by including her in their games, but she rejected them with no second thought. As a result of her unfriendly actions, her peers refused to stand near her, edged away from her, and did not look at her. Furthermore, Margot did not participate in class activities: “When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games, her lips barely moved” (Bradbury). Children usually tended to surround themselves with upbeat, outgoing people that raised their spirits. However, Margot was the exact opposite. With no support and no friends, everyone else ganged up on her. She became the easy target in the classroom with a bullseye on her forehead. Margot’s antisocial attitude brought on the wrath of the other students in her class.
Along with her insociable nature, Margot’s past on Earth further deepened the other students’ resentment of her. The social outcast described the other students as “children who could never remember a time when there wasn’t rain and rain and rain” (Bradbury). Having only ventured out to Venus five years ago, Margot remembered what the warm rays of the sun felt like everyday. Her peers had been denied that opportunity since they no longer recalled the wonderful sensation. Moreover, Margot read a poem to the class: “I think the sun is a flower, that blooms for just an hour” (Bradbury). William, another classmate, did not believe that Margot wrote the poem herself. He openly taunted the distant foreigner in front of the entire class. However, deep down, William knew that Margot’s poem and her memories were more realistic than anything he could remember. To continue, while closing her eyes and depicting the sun, Margot proclaimed to her peers, “It’s like a penny.” Another child retorted back by claiming that the sun was like “a fire in the stove.” All of the spectators then teased, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” (Bradbury). Jealousy became a factor in the other children’s merciless taunting and teasing. They were also in denial since they, themselves, did not remember the sun, but they knew that Margot did. On the contrary, they did not want to admit that she was right. Margot’s past history in Ohio on Earth caused tension and unease among the students.
Perhaps the most important reason why the students disliked Margot was her future. Rumors spread that “her father and mother were taking her back to Earth next year…” (Bradbury). The other peers envied Margot’s possibility of a future filled with sunshine every single day. The fact that they could not even imagine such a world, let alone imagine living in it, brought on monstrous waves of hate that the Ohio native could not fend off. In addition to this, Margot’s fellow peers “hated her… possible future” (Bradbury). Nobody had control of the past since it had already happened and could not be changed. However, the future was still a blank slate waiting to be written on. The other classmates did not even have the opportunity to try to rewrite their future. From the students’ points of view, all of Margot’s wishes came true. To them, she was literally the luckiest girl on the planet. Also, although “it would mean the loss of thousands of dollars to her family,” Margot’s parents were still debating about whether or not they should return back to their home planet (Bradbury). The sacrifices that Margot’s parents were willing to make for her caused the other classmates to ponder why their parents were not doing the same. Margot made the students feel less privileged. They felt as if they were trapped in a prison on Venus, the forever-raining planet. The possibility of a better future on Earth that laid ahead of Margot prompted jealousy and envy.
The fact that Margot was cold to the other students, had a different past than them, and had a brighter future than they could imagine caused them to loathe her. Although some readers may argue that Margot was disliked because the other students thought she was lying about the sun coming out that day, the reasons for their hate went deeper than what they seemed. It was jealousy and envy that caused them to lash out. Like a cougar with retractable claws, the prey never knew when to expect Envy. Before the poor, clumsy elk even saw the shadow in the corner of his eye, Envy devoured it piece by piece. Envy: it could not be stopped, it could not be contained, it could not stay in one place. Envy was the savage animal that haunted everybody’s nightmares.
Did you write this in the time limit? Excellent example. Perhaps a bit over the top at the start and end, but I like the imagery as a way to set the scene and draw the reader into your essay. It is well written and well organized. Great job!
I might change one of the last lines, “the reasons for their hate went deeper than what they seemed. It was jealousy and envy that caused them to lash out.” Who is “they” and what did they seem? Do you mean the reasons for hate went deeper than appeared on the surface? Also, there is no need to say “it was” in the next sentence. Jealousy and envy lashed out. In the last line, did the envy haunt everybody’s nightmares? Or do you want to tie it in closer to the story and indicate the envy haunted Margot or the students.
In the story “All of summer in a day,” by Ray Bradbury, a young girl named Margot is disliked by her peers for being different. What sets her apart is the fact that she remembers the sun, a precious luxury on Venus. Rain covers the land every day for years at a time so none of her peers have ever experienced the sun. In her new life, she is treated as an outcast and is made fun of by the other kids. All of this because she is from Earth, and has seen the sun before. Ultimately, she is disliked by her peers since they are jealous, she is anti-social, and she is overall different.
One of the biggest reasons that Margot is disliked by the other children, is that they are jealous of her. Since she is from Earth, she remembers seeing the sun and knowing what it felt like. All of the other children, being from Venus, had no idea, as the sun only comes out once every 7 years. As a result, they feel hatred toward Margot for being able to remember what the sun was like. The text shows, “And then, of course, the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth, and she remembered the sun… But Margot remembered.” This difference set her apart and caused her peers to be envious of the gift that she experienced.
Additionally, in the story, Margot is shown to be anti-social. As a result of living in a new place, Margot is shy and keeps to herself. She doesn’t play with the other children and doesn’t engage in any games. This leads to them not liking her since they assume that Margot doesn’t play because she doesn’t like them. As Bradbury describes, “And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood to blink after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved.” She is treated poorly as a result of her poor social skills.
Finally, Margot is disliked by others since she is simply different than them. People in general, have a tendency to not like what is different, and this is no exception. Margot is from another planet and has experienced things they could only dream off. She doesn’t play with them and doesn’t participate in school. All of this leads to her being different than everyone around her. And the children dislike this about her. If Margot was born on Venus, experienced the same things as her, and played with others, she wouldn’t be seen as an outcast. She would be treated normally. But this isn’t the case, and her differences made her the target of the Venusian children’s anger.
Margot is disliked and bullied by the other children because she is not like them. She remembers the sun and they are jealous of her for that. She doesn’t participate in games and is overall different. This leads to her being outcast from society and treated poorly by the other children. Ultimately, Margot is simply like an alien to them.
In the short story, “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury, Margot is outcasted by the kids in Venus. There are many differences between Margot and her peers. Things such as Margot not participating in games that the kids play, as well as her capability of remembering how the sun actually looked like, makes the others believe that Margot is different from them. Their envy and differences create tension between the children and Margot, making them despise and dislike her.
The differences between Margot and her peers leads to her peers outcasting her, just because she is different. One difference is Margot’s social awkwardness towards the other kids. The story states: “They edged away from her, they would not look at her. She felt them go away. And this was because she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow. When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved” (Bradbury). This clearly depicts how the kids try to stay away from Margot, for they believe that even though they try and involve her in the games and activities, she won’t respond, not knowing how to follow their actions. Due to her lack of social skills, the kids dislike her, knowing to stay away from her.
Another difference of Margot and the kids that makes the kids dislike her is her past. Unlike the others, Margot “remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio,” while the others were born and raised in Venus, being only two years old “when last the sun came out and had long since forgotten the color and heat of it and the way it really was” (Bradbury). This distinction between the kids and Margot leads to their jealousy begin to boil. Whenever Margot made a comment on the stove, such as “It’s [the sun] like a fire… in the stove,” they angrily reply, stating, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” (Bradbury). Because Margot can remember the sun, the children envy her, describing her as a liar, although they don’t even know how the sun was like. The jealousy rises even more when they find out that Margot might return back to earth soon, envying “her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future” (Bradbury). This shows that the kids despise Margot for the reason that they are jealous of her past, as well as her future.
Margot is an outcast, disliked by the other children for the simple fact that she is different. She’s able to think back to how the sun was like, and she has a future ahead of her, which the children envy her for. She doesn’t like to play in the games that the others play, leading the kids to stay away from her. The differences she has compared to others makes the others to not be able to understand her, which makes them distant from Margot.
There are a few features of your writing style that are preventing your essay from a concise, smooth style. First, try to simplify every sentence with only the essential ideas and a strong active verb. Do not use a passive voice and “to be” verbs like “Margot is outcast(ed).” Turn it around. The class cast Margot out. In your case, there are too many verbs ending in -ing, which indicates participles, not conjugated verbs. It makes for excess wordiness. Avoid these next time and keep it simple. Also, the prepositions and idioms are frequently mistaken. e.g., “Another difference (between) Margot and the kids….” “don’t know (what) the sun was like…” Avoid “this” and “that” without a modified noun. “This (what) clearly depicts how the kids….”
Your organization is stronger. If you can clean up your style issues, then I think you will have a solid essay response.
If the sun only came out once every seven years do you think you would recall how it looked and felt? In the story (this is underlined ->) All Summer In a Day by Ray Bradbury, Margot is an outcast who claims she remembers how the sun looked like and felt, being that she is from Earth and was fortunate enough to live under it every day. The other students obviously do not like Margot for several reasons. They do not believe her when she tries to explain details about the sun, even though they do not remember how it looks like. Instead, they are rude to her because she is from Earth while they are from Venues, making her different. Finally, the students can see Margot is vulnerable so the students, particularly the boys, find her easy to pick on because they feel they have power over her.
To begin with, if the weather every day was rainy every day was rainy and out of that, one day was sunny, the people in this story should be able to remember the experience, right? However, that is not the case. The sun only comes out every seven years and it would be very difficult to remember the details of that day, not to mention the students in this story are nine years old, which means they were two years old when it first happened. A baby’s memory is not clear, which is why the students believe Margot is lying when she claims she remembers the sun. When Margot describes the sun in her poem, the students cry, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” They think she is making up stories and are sick of her wasting their time with her lies.
To continue, Margot is different from the other students because she is from Earth, making her different than them. In the story, she explains her situation as, “the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth….” “And they had been on Venus their whole lives and they had only been two years old when the last sun had come out and had long forgotten te color and hear of it and the way it really was”. Clearly, the readers can tell from the words “the biggrest crime of all” that the students did not give Margot a warm welcome because she was different than them. Furthermore, Margot has the possibily of going to Eath the subsequent year. From the statemnet in the text, “They ated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future,” the students are clearly not happy about the opportunity Margot has and want to make her life miserable in order to hide their envy.
Moreover, Margot’s vulnerable personality shows throughout the story because she is an antisocial person who does not have any friends. Even wen the children try to be friendly towards her, she responds in an aloof manner. For instance, when they try to iunclude Margot in a game of tag, se “stood blinking after them and did not follow”. Her unfriendly nature causes for no one to help her when the students leave Margot locked uin the closet even after the teahcer asks, “Are we all here?”
In conclusion, the students alienate and loathe Margot becaue of her past life on Earth and being able to recall the sun, the possibility of going back to Earth, where the sun shines, and her vulnerability which causes the students to think it is okay to lock her in the closet since no one defends her. To be able to fit in more and make friends, Margot should be more social, defend herself to show the other children that she is a strong character, and try to share experiences on Venus like the other children, especially when the sun comes out after seven years.
****my englewood exam is on the 18th!!! *******
PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY IN A TIME LIMIT.
I READ AND WROTE THE ESSAY IN AN HOUR. (I WROTE THE LAST WHOLE ESSAY EXCEPT THE LAST 2 PARAGRAPHS IN 45 MINS.) I THINK I GET 40 MINUTES TO READ AND WRITE THOUGH :(. ALSO PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK! (My other essay “Eleven” I wrote in 1 hour 30 but it was good— from the feedback I received). Thank you so much. I NEED TIPS ON HOW TO READ AND WRITE WITH TIME PRESSURE!!
sorry there are some typos ^^
But PLEASE I need help ASAP the exam is in a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *so streeeessssssssed*
I’m working on my personal essay right now, do you have any tips for that??
I NEED to know how to write and think under time pressure !!!
my exam is tomorrow!!
Hi Jefferson,
We try to review the essays online in a timely manner, but we cannot guarantee a time frame unless you are enrolled in the tutoring course. The free version is for all students to contribute. We add to that from time to time as much as possible.
If the sun only came out once every seven years do you think you would recall how it looked and felt? In the story (this is underlined ->) All Summer In a Day by Ray Bradbury, Margot is an outcast who claims she remembers how the sun looked like and felt, being that she is from Earth and was fortunate enough to live under it every day. The other students obviously do not like Margot for several reasons. They do not believe her when she tries to explain details about the sun, even though they do not remember how it looks like. Instead, they are rude to her because she is from Earth while they are from Venues, making her different. Finally, the students can see Margot is vulnerable so the students, particularly the boys, find her easy to pick on because they feel they have power over her.
To begin with, if the weather every day was rainy every day was rainy and out of that, one day was sunny, the people in this story should be able to remember the experience, right? However, that is not the case. The sun only comes out every seven years and it would be very difficult to remember the details of that day, not to mention the students in this story are nine years old, which means they were two years old when it first happened. A baby’s memory is not clear, which is why the students believe Margot is lying when she claims she remembers the sun. When Margot describes the sun in her poem, the students cry, “You’re lying, you don’t remember!” They think she is making up stories and are sick of her wasting their time with her lies.
To continue, Margot is different from the other students because she is from Earth, making her different than them. In the story, she explains her situation as, “the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth….” “And they had been on Venus their whole lives and they had only been two years old when the last sun had come out and had long forgotten te color and hear of it and the way it really was”. Clearly, the readers can tell from the words “the biggrest crime of all” that the students did not give Margot a warm welcome because she was different than them. Furthermore, Margot has the possibily of going to Eath the subsequent year. From the statemnet in the text, “They ated her pale snow face, her waiting silence, her thinness, and her possible future,” the students are clearly not happy about the opportunity Margot has and want to make her life miserable in order to hide their envy.
Moreover, Margot’s vulnerable personality shows throughout the story because she is an antisocial person who does not have any friends. Even wen the children try to be friendly towards her, she responds in an aloof manner. For instance, when they try to iunclude Margot in a game of tag, se “stood blinking after them and did not follow”. Her unfriendly nature causes for no one to help her when the students leave Margot locked uin the closet even after the teahcer asks, “Are we all here?”
In conclusion, the students alienate and loathe Margot becaue of her past life on Earth and being able to recall the sun, the possibility of going back to Earth, where the sun shines, and her vulnerability which causes the students to think it is okay to lock her in the closet since no one defends her. To be able to fit in more and make friends, Margot should be more social, defend herself to show the other children that she is a strong character, and try to share experiences on Venus like the other children, especially when the sun comes out after seven years.
****my englewood exam is on the 18th!!! *******
PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS ON HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY IN A TIME LIMIT.
I READ AND WROTE THE ESSAY IN AN HOUR. (I WROTE THE LAST WHOLE ESSAY EXCEPT THE LAST 2 PARAGRAPHS IN 45 MINS.) I THINK I GET 40 MINUTES TO READ AND WRITE THOUGH :(. ALSO PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK! (My other essay “Eleven” I wrote in 1 hour 30 but it was good— from the feedback I received). Thank you so much. I NEED TIPS ON HOW TO READ AND WRITE WITH TIME PRESSURE!!
Try to tighten up your writing by making the sentences as concise as possible. “Margot is an outcast who claims she remembers how the sun looked like and felt, being that she is from Earth and was fortunate enough to live under it every day.” For example, a sentence that uses “being” can usually be stated more simply. Use strong verbs and eliminate unnecessary phrases. “The other students reject Margot because she claims to remember the look and feel of the sun while on Earth.” In general, refrain from stating that a conclusion is obvious, especially if you have yet to make your case. “The other students obviously do not like Margot for several reasons.” Eliminate the “for several reasons.” It is redundant. Instead of telling the reader there are reasons and then listing them, just show the reasons in the following list. e.g.,”They do not like Margot because she is different…antisocial…etc.” Try to rephrase the first sentence of the conclusion. Lo and behold it contains that word “being” again. How can you make it more concise?
Overall, the structure of the essay and progression of ideas is solid. I like your use of transitions. I would like to see more explanation of your quotes. How and why do the students hate her pale snow face? How does that support the main idea of the paragraph? Make sure you always explain the relevance and importance of the evidence you present. Too often, writers at this age state the evidence and think it is self-evident. Suggestions aside, you are a good writer and could produce an excellent essay with some modest adjustments.
In order to develop speed and consistency, practice. What is taking the most time? Do you outline your essay ahead of time? You improved from 1.5 hours to 1 hour. With effort you will soon get to 0.67 hours.
The short story “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury is about hope and reality. In the story, Margot, a young girl, longs for sunshine in the foreign place of “Venus” where it always rains, where it has rained continuously for the past 7 years. Margot had moved to “Venus” a few years back and ever since, she has missed her old home, where the sun shone and it barely rained. Not only was it hard for Margot to adjust to a place with no sunshine, none of the kids liked her either. The reason for this is because of one of the morals of the story, hope.
In this story, Margot has told the other kids about her experiences with the sun. She tells them about her wonderful sights, however, the other children find these statements false, telling Margot that she is lying. These kids have been in this place their entire life, they have never seen the sun like Margot, they are accustomed to this lifestyle, they always have been. By hearing Margot go on about the wonderful thing in life that they are missing, they feel sad, hopeless. They don’t want anything to do with the false hope Margot is giving because they don’t want to be stuck in a fantasy that will never come true.
Another reason why is jealousy. What is one main cause for all bullies? Jealousy. Margot has had the chance to see the sun, to experience the warmth of summer in her life. These kids have not. They were never given the experience of it long enough, old enough for them to remember. These 9-year-old kids were forced to face reality much sooner than anyone else. It is unfair for them to have to give up their childhood at such a young age. Margot was given a chance to dream, because she has something to dream about, something to long for. While the other kids do not, I mean, how can you dream for an experience that you don’t even know exists?
A final reason why these kids loathe Margot is because of her personality, how she acts. The author describes her to be sad all the time, with no color in her life, no happiness left except for the longing for sunshine. These kids have grown up with no sun while Margot had the experience. These kids are still happy except Margot is not. Which comes off as selfish. Margot was lucky enough to see the sun yet she is sad, these kids forgot what it looks like and they are fine. So to these kids, Margot is ungrateful and stupid to not accept the life she has now.
In conclusion, the main reasons for the dislikeness to Margot has to do with hope, jealousy and her personality. To the kids that have never seen the sun, Margot looks like an ungrateful girl who has nothing to do but to make other kids fall down the misleading trap of having hope for the sun. These kids have found a way to deal with this life. So the last thing they need is false hope that will ruin their current satisfaction. To them, Margot is just a one-way ticket to disappointment.
I see only one reason why the kids hated her, and there are a couple different points in the introduction (hard for Margot, kids hate her. etc.). As a result, the thesis claim for the passage is not clear and there is no roadmap of arguments you plan to make except. “None of the kids liked her…because of hope.” Make your main claim and the arguments that support it clear to the reader. In the body paragraphs, you begin with the idea of false hope (a unique line of argument), but you then highlight jealousy and Margot’s personality without ever mentioning those ideas upfront.
I get the sense you are going to be a very good writer, but there are many errors herein. i.e. I like your style, but clean up the grammar and syntax. For example, try to turn these lines from the intro to simpler more active sentences: “Not only was it hard for Margot to adjust to a place with no sunshine, none of the kids liked her either. The reason for this is because of one of the morals of the story, hope.” The following sentence in paragraph 2 is a comma splice. “These kids have been in this place their entire life, they have never seen the sun like Margot, they are accustomed to this lifestyle, they always have been.” This sentence in paragraph 3 is not clear. “They were never given the experience of it long enough, old enough for them to remember.” In paragraph 4 there is no need for the parenthetical definition of personality–personality, how she acts. Try to simplify. “The author describes her to be sad?” Why not substitute “sadness” for “to be sad?” Try to combine these sentences (the latter one is not a sentence) and be clear about identifying the contrast. You could add a little extra to make it clear the kids are happy despite an absence of the same privileges. “These kids are still happy except Margot is not. Which comes off as selfish. ” In the last paragraph, “dislikeness” is an unusual word choice. Be careful about stretching your vocabulary. I think the correct prepositional idiom to match should be “dislikeness of (not to).”
Keep up the effort. You could turn this into a very nice essay with some changes. Make sure you get the basics of structure and grammar right first.
Thank you for the feedback! However, is there any way I can fix the structure of my writing? Should I add better vocabulary? Should I reword the sentences so they seem clearer? If there is anything I can do please let me know.
I think the comments suggested you organize your ideas, especially in the introductory paragraph, and make sure you write concise sentences in the active voice while looking out for any obvious punctuation errors. There are a few examples of the latter provided in the review above. I suggest looking closely at those examples to start. Good luck!
In All Summer in a Day, by Ray Bradbury, a young girl named Margot is treated like an outcast for being different. The reason her peers really despise her is because she is from Earth, and remembers the sun which comes up for two hours every 7 years in Venus. Because of this, many of her peers never really remembered the sun. In this story, it is clear Margot’s classmates dislike her. That is because they are jealous, Margot is different, and she doesn’t play with the other children.
The kids living on Venus for their entire life has never remembered the sun. They have only wrote poems and read about the sun. However, Margot, a girl from Earth clearly remembers the sun and its features. But, every time Margot tries to describe the sun, all the children start criticizing her, saying she is a liar and that she does not remember. The children think that it is very unfair that Margot had the chance to see the sun while they never saw it. Thus, the children were jealous of Margot since she got to enjoy the sun everyday on Earth.
Since Margot is from Earth, she is very different from her peers from Venus. However, this is another reason why her classmates dislike her so much. The author writes, “When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games, her lips barely moved.” This means that she is not like her peers who are happy and carefree. She is different, and that is another reason why the students despise her.
Finally, Margot is very introverted and does not play with the other children. The children love to play games such as tag and hide-and-seek. However, Margot did not share this interest, which resulted in being shunned. The author said, “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Margot did not like to play with any of the children, so the children didn’t want to be with her.
In conclusion, the children’s jealousy, Margot’s differences and her introverted personalities are all reasons why the children of Venus seem to hate her. Margot does not seem to fit in with the other children, or Venus. Margot’s real home is Earth, where she fits in.
Your thesis claim and roadmap are clear, so do not diminish what would otherwise be a strong intro. There is no need to repeat that Margot’s classmates dislike her in the intro. It is redundant.
You do a good job following along your outline. Avoid the words “very” and “really” and “being.” Makes sure to stick to the active voice. You slip a few times. The first sentence in your first body paragraph is incorrect. “The kids living on Venus for their entire life has never remembered the sun. ” The subject is plural and the verb is singular. Try to simplify throughout. How about, “The students from Venus do not remember the sun.” You overuse the -ing verb conjugations throughout. Where can you rewrite the sentences with -ing more concisely? “However” is a contrasting transition. You use it in a situation that is additive, not contrasting. This mistake is apparent. The rewrite could be, “Margot is different from the others, which is another reason the students dislike her.” Overall, your outline and ideas are good and well explained. Try to avoid grammar and writing style mistakes.
Margot is an unusual girl actually from another planet! In the story “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury, Margot is disliked by her peers. The students are envious of Margot, because she has seen the sun, which is very rare on Venus. Also, Margot does not participate in class, and the children are oblivious to the life on Earth.
To start, the students are very envious of Margot because she had seen the sun before and they had not. Margot was born on Earth and hence saw it everyday. However, the children on Venus only have the privilege of seeing it once every seven years. As a result, they get jealous and angry towards Margot. When the students finally get the chance to see the sun, “they were running and turning their faces up to the sky and feeling the sun on their cheeks like
a warm iron; they were taking off their jackets and letting the sun burn their arms.” For the first time in their lives they were able to enjoy the sun. Margot was able to do that everyday on Earth, and the students saw that as unfair. “They ran for an hour and did not stop
running.” The quote shows how much they welcomed the sun and how desperate they were to witness it. Hence, they were angry at Margot for being able to see something they couldn’t.
Secondly, Margot is disliked because she doesn’t participate in class or with her peers in games. All the kids would sing songs in class but Margot’s lips would barely move. Margot would not run after the kids during the Tag game. The passage stated “If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow”. This sentence showed her lack of passion for engaging in child play. This attitude led the students to develop a disliking for Margot because she acted differently that the others.
Lastly, Margot is hated because the students are oblivious to life on Earth. The kids don’t believe that Margot remembers what the sun looks like. Margot tries to explain the sun looks “like a penny” and like “a fire in a stove” but the children are convinced otherwise. They don’t understand that on Earth, Margot was able to see the sun every day.
In conclusion, Margot is disliked by her classmates. The kids are very jealous of Margot’s experiences. Margot doesn’t engage in class activities and games, so they get angry and dislike her for being different. Finally, the children are birdbrained for the life on Earth. They don’t digest the fact that Margot was able to see the sun on her home planet.
No need to say “actually” in the first sentence. No comma before because. A few small punctuation errors. Try to use stronger vocabulary words than “very” but don’t overdo it. Good job explaining the evidence you provide. The third body paragraph is weakest, but that is to be expected. I still don’t like the birdbrained reference. It smacks of trying to do too much without really hitting the target–a common mistake on the essay. Overall, it is a well structured essay that stays on point. It will do for the exam, but try to clean up some of the mistakes. i.e. make sure you have time to proofread on exam day.
The short story All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury is about a group of nine-year old children who live on Venus where it has not stopped raining for seven straight years. One student, Margot, who arrived on Venus as a four-year old, instead of two, claims to remember the brightly shining sun from her days in Ohio, her home on Earth. The children show obvious dislike towards Margot for her differences, her memory of the sun, and her supposed return to Earth in the future.
The school children, being only nine-years old, are very simple-minded, created biases based on the way Margot looked and acted. They have all lived on Venus for seven years together, whereas Margot came only five years ago and never tried to fit in. She “would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood blinking after them and did not follow.” Margot stayed apart from the other students and had different opinions about many topics. She never responded to or interacted with them. The children also scrutinized Margot for her appearance: “She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair.” Being so young, no one ever tried to view the world from Margot’s perspective because she was so unique.
None of the school children remember the sun. They spend their days reading about it in class, “About how like a lemon it was, and how hot,” but they have never actually experienced it. However, Margot claims to remember the sun’s brightness and warmth from her home back in Ohio, five years ago. She even wrote a poem about the sun, and how “I think the sun is a flower, That blooms for just one hour.” The students all react negatively to these two simple lines because they don’t want to believe that she has ever seen the sun or remembers it. Whenever Margot describes the sun as a “penny” or “a fire in the stove,” the students deny her because they don’t want to have someone different. They believe the world is simpler if no one has ever seen the sun, and no one knows or remembers how it feels.
The children were all sent to Venus and don’t know a different life than continuous, unforgiving rain. When they hear that Margot, the only one who remembers the sun, is supposedly returning to Earth in one year, they get extremely jealous. Each student yearns to see and experience the sun for more than one day. The fact that Margot may very well return to a place where it is out every single day creates envy towards her.
The school children from Venus only know one life: rain. When a child from Earth comes to their planet and says that she remembers the sun, a strong dislike towards her is created. The children are very simple-minded and have no reasoning, so they see her as different, and therefore as a threat to themselves. This new, different child does not even try to fit in, which creates a further dislike towards her. To little children, being unique, being different, is the enemy.
This is a well structured essay. You make a clear thesis claim and provide an organized roadmap of your arguments. The first body paragraph could do more, however, to explain why your very good examples support your thesis claim. The 2nd and 3rd body paragraphs do a better job on that front despite providing less evidence. Many students just cite evidence w/o explaining why it is important. Don’t fall into the same trap.
Avoid the word “being.” Such a sentence can almost always be improved upon. The school children, (no word “being”} only nine-years old, are very simple-minded. The first sentence of your fist body paragraph is a run-on. Try to avoid run-ons especially in the first two paragraphs. “The school children, being only nine-years old, are very simple-minded, created biases based on the way Margot looked and acted. ” Perhaps, “The young, simple-minded school children created biases based on the way Margot looked and acted.” Avoid passive sentences. “a strong dislike towards her is created.” How about, “The students dislike her?”
It’s a blessing and a curse to know the glory of the Sun and be scorned for trying to share it. It’s a tragic premise and the story of Margot’s life on Venus. The story takes place on the distant terrain of Venus, spotted with ashen jungles and draped in everlasting rain that only lets up for an hour every seven years. All of the little children have spent nine years only ever remembering the artificial glow of sun-lamps, with one exception. Margot, who had lived on Earth until she was four years old, still had memories of the Sun. She finds no interest in playing games with them or singing songs, and she would be leaving them once more in a year. It is for these reasons that the other children hate her, despising her isolated mannerisms, her potential, and her knowledge most of all.
First, Margot refuses to respond to their attempts to interact with her. She very rarely participates in singing, not even bothering to open her mouth most of the time. Bradbury writes, “When the class sang songs about happiness and life and games her lips barely moved.” In another instance, some kids try to initiate a game with her and she simply doesn’t react. The text states “… she would play no games with them in the echoing tunnels of the underground city. If they tagged her and ran, she stood to blink after them and did not follow.” She is quiet and withdrawn, and the children dislike her all the more for it.
Second, Margot was moving back to Earth in a year. She would be returning to her home planet, a planet where the Sun can be seen every day for several hours at a time. Meanwhile, they are forced to wait years to see the same sight she can see in the sky every morning. The passage states “There was talk that her father and mother were taking her back to earth next year; it seemed vital to her that they do so…” It may also be possible that the other children want to go to Earth but can’t afford to, as it apparently costs thousands of dollars. This would make them envious of Margot’s opportunity, furthering their efforts to ostracize her.
Third, Margot only came to Venus five years ago, meaning that she was old enough to remember what the Sun looked like on Earth when she left. This forbidden knowledge immediately differentiates her from the rest of the class. The text states, “… she remembered the Sun and the way the Sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio. And they, they had been on Venus all their lives… But Margot remembered.” The kids also try to disprove everything she says. They rebut her when she tries to tell them about the Sun. One example of this is when Margot says that the Sun looks like a penny or a fire and they adamantly deny these statements, claiming that she’s lying, or she doesn’t remember. This exclusive information seems to spark jealousy and rage in the class, and they disparage her at every chance they get.
At the end of the story, the golden rays warm the Venusian soil for one glorious hour, and the whole class denies Margot these crucial minutes by locking her up in a tiny closet and forgetting about her until the rain outside has started again. Ray Bradbury never lets the reader see what is behind the closet door as they release her, and yet Margot’s despair is tangible. Her familiarity with the sun, her social ineptitude, and her near future all drive the school children to deprive her of all she could have wanted, to see the Sun for just one more hour.
“Do the scientists really know? Will it happen today?” says Margot, the girl who’s only desire was to see the bright sun. She wants the children of Venus to know where she is from, and her main wish, which is to see the big star in the sky. As you might see, the kids in this story, “ All Summer in a Day,” by Ray Bradbury, despise Margot, and don’t want to interact with her. The children disfavor Margot because they are envious of her, she is very ignorant to them, and lastly, she’s very divergent from them.
In the passage, the kids are resentful towards Margot. She claims to have seen the sun before when she lived on Earth, and the kids only get to see it every seven years. Now that she lives on Venus, Margot suffers the same, but at least she has memories of seeing the sun almost every day in Ohio. For example, in the text, it states, “ Margot stood apart from these children who could never remember a time there wasn’t rain and rain.” From this statement, one can imply that her classmates had to sit and gaze at the rain pouring down every day, and this affected their mood and life mentally. This can relate to the reason why the kids are envious of Margot because she has prior experience with the sun, while they very seldom see the big star.
Margot has been ignorant to her fellow classmates mainly because she is glum and unhappy. She would always stand quietly apart from the other children, not listening to the taunts that would always come out of their mouths. When William, a very unkind classmate, would harass Margot and say mean things to her, she would stand there silently and not utter a word. “”What’re you looking at,” stated William. Margot just stood there. “Speak to when you’re spoken to.” He gave her a shove. But she did not move; rather she let herself be moved only by him and nothing else.”” I imply from this line of text is that Margot completely didn’t pay heed to William, almost as if he wasn’t present. This is why children don’t like Margot because she is ignorant to them. As you can see, Margot has no meaning to whatever she does and almost never speaks when spoken to.
Thirdly and lastly, the kids don’t like Margot because she is different from anyone. In the text, it states, “But she remembered and stood quietly apart from all of them and watched the patterning windows. And once, a month ago, she had refused to shower in the school shower rooms, had clutched her hands to her ears and over her head, screaming the water mustn’t touch her head. So after that, dimly, dimly, she sensed it, she was different and they knew her difference and kept away.” Margot stood apart from the other children and never wanted to interact or stand with them. She had a different taste and viewed things differently than the other kids her age, and they noticed that and teased Margot.
Furthermore, the kids in this story, “ All Summer in a Day,” by Ray Bradbury, despise Margot and don’t want to interact with her. The children disfavor Margot because they are envious of her, she is very ignorant to them, and lastly, she’s very different divergent from them. She wants the children of Venus to know where she is from, and her main wish, which is to see the big star in the sky.
Her gloomy, cold, eyes were vases filled with darkness that surrounded her entire body, encompassing her into a trance of fears. The longing to see the yellow ball of rays and happiness gnawed at her soul repeatedly; however, the gnawing perpetually continued until her legs were planted in one spot. Margot was a solitary female that the children in her class disliked due to her strange behaviors. Margot’s classmates dislike her because she does not respond to their requests, she commits strange actions, and the fact that she would have a beneficial future.
Margot’s classmates dislike Margot because she does not play with them. For example, when her classmates inquire her, she always “says nothing” (). With no information from Margot, the classmates ignore her and believe that she does not want to spend time with them. The classmates judged based on one single action, exhibiting their prejudice. Also, when the female is abused, the lass allows herself to be “moved by him and nothing else” (). Her ignorance to their actions impels them to further abuse her by mistreating their power. Her desolate past was an impetus to no responses. Furthermore, when in a difficult situation, Margot was trapped in the closet, and there was “only silence” (). Despite the circumstances that could have occurred, her shy and sad character showed that she was traumatized from the recent events. The classmates’ behavior in locking her in a confined space, led her to become more scared. Clearly, this lass’s classmates did not favor her because she does not respond to their actions to interact with her.
Margot’s classmates dislike her because she commits actions that appear strange to her classmates. For instance, when Margot was taking a shower, she “clutched her hands to her hears and over her head” to refuse to take a shower (). This appears strange for numerous classmates, for they are not aware of her past and the trauma that affects her. Afraid of water, was a new topic that appeared to be eccentric; however, it was because of the memories that Margot recounted. Additionally, when Margot writes beautiful poems, people often underestimate her actions, and label it as strange. Although, she had beautiful skill to convey her feelings through this writing piece, classmates found it strange that the “gloomy Margot” had the capability to do such as thing. Furthermore, Margot stated that the sun was coming out on that particular day; however, her classmates rejected her opinion. Despite being on Venus for 5 years, and coming from Earth, where the sun was shining most of the time, her classmates believed that they were superior. Even though, one may act interior to the other, it does not provide a licence to be ignorant. Distinctly, this female’s classmates opposed her because they were cynical of her actions.
Margot’s classmates disliked the girl because she possessed a beneficial future. For instance, Margot requested to travel back to her home in Ohio to live with numerous amount of sunlight. Her classmates gradually grew jealous of the idea, for Planet Venus would have sunlight after seven more years, Also, despite having financial problems due to this endeavor, Margot was still allowed to venture to her homeland. Subsequently, whenever Margot informs her classmates of her knowledge on scientists and their research, the classmates desperately attempt to stop her from speaking. Despite attempting to learn more and research more about the magnificent star, the envious companions decide to keep her quiet in order to comfort themselves. Knowing that they would not have the same beneficial future as Margot, her companions desire to comfort themselves. They additionally know that with this knowledge, she would be able to expand her character, knowledge, and become a beautiful and sagacious woman through her years on Earth. Clearly, the actions that these classmates exhibit, shows that they dislike her because of her future.
Margot’s companions oppose the lass because she has a beneficial future, she commits actions that appear strange to them, and she provides no response when the classmates are attempting to grab her attention. Although her companions may show minimal signs of kindness, it is undoubtedly clear that they discriminate her based on her actions, future, and responses. The same gloomy character that longingly stares out the window and barely whispers a word, will have a wonderful future in Ohio with the wonderful sun shining down on her–she will prove them wrong of their opinions.
You attempt at a hook in the beginning, which is admirable, but how does this description compel the reader to want to continue? Make sure your hook ties nicely into your thesis and the passage that follows. Your thesis claim and roadmap are clear, but you might consider modifying your sentences. That would be my number one focus. How could you make, “Margot was a solitary female that the children in her class disliked due to her strange behaviors,” more concise? Perhaps, Margot’s classmates disliked her because she was strange. The latter sentence is easier for the reader to digest. What do you think? “Margot’s classmates dislike her because she does not respond to their requests, she commits strange actions, and the fact that she would have a beneficial future.” You might do better to maintain a parallel structure: she does, she commits, she has (not the fact that…). The first body paragraph continues to get more difficult to read. Why are you using blank parentheses throughout? Avoid slang words like lass. There are missing and incorrect prepositional idioms and passive sentences. This sentence sums up the difficulty of trying to read the essay for me. “Her ignorance to their actions impels them to further abuse her by mistreating their power.” What are you trying to say? Say it clearly and simply in an active voice and try to be specific. What is her ignorance and their power?
“…the biggest crime of all was that she had come here only five years ago from Earth, and she remembered the sun and the way the sun was and the sky was when she was four in Ohio.” Ever since her family moved from Earth to Venus, where it rains all day everyday, Margot has become dreadful, dull, and lifeless. Unlike the other kids in her school, she has seen the sun and absolutely adores everything about it from its warmth to its rays. The Sun a privilege to the inhabitants of Venus since sightings of it are very rare and only happen every 7 years. I believe that her peers are jealous of her due to the fact that she has experienced something they have not, something they have wished for, and something they have dreamed of. Margot not answering them, playing with them, or even acknowledging them also takes a toll on the amount of friendliness her classmates show towards her. Because Margot separates herself from the others, she is not seen as a cheerful or inviting playmate.
“Jealousy is the root of all evil,” is a famous quote from the Bible that people have stood by for as long as anyone can remember. Jealous destroys people, relationships, and friendships. Just because Margot has seen the sun, a privilege most of her classmates have not had, she is treated like an outsider. Her peers, especially William, make an effort to tease her, exclude her, and make fun of her. All of this is because Margot gets to go back home to Ohio where she will see the Sun almost everyday and won’t have to wait seven years. The climax of this short story is when Margot’s classmates push her into a closet so she doesn’t see the Sun that will come out soon. Her peers don’t want her to get the privilege of seeing it since she has been in its warmth and light more times than they have. It is obvious that William and the other kids dislike and are envious of Margot because she has and will experience something they will get to only a few times in their lives.
To her classmates, Margot seems distant, separated, and gloomy. Her personality is not the type that little kids, especially at age nine, would be attracted to. Margot’s lack of positive emotion poses an undesirable trait her classmates would want in a friend. Whenever kids ask her a question or acknowledge her, she doesn’t respond so naturally after a while people stop trying to engage and include her. She never plays games with them, jokes, or even talks to the kids in her class. I believe that besides the jealousy aspect of her peers not liking her, it is her own fault that she doesn’t make an effort to be kind, inviting, and approachable. These characteristics are essential when making friends or even when getting someone to like you. It’s no wonder why her classmates stopped including her.
Margot is treated like an outsider by her classmates because of her privilege of seeing the Sun more times than they have and her alienated disposition. Margot’s future of moving back to Earth seems unfair to her peers because she will get many opportunities to be exposed to something they have been yearning for since the first time they’ve heard about it. In Ohio, Margot will get to see the beautiful shining Sun in the sky and will return to the cheerful, animated, and energetic girl she once was.
All good points with a clear thesis claim in the intro. The scene setting states Margot is lifeless now. I think you could use it to positive effect, but is that relevant and essential to your point as is? Be careful of fragments. e.g, “The Sun a privilege to the inhabitants of Venus since sightings of it are very rare and only happen every 7 years.” You use good examples in your body paragraphs and explain them clearly. Be careful of vague pronouns. “All of this is because Margot….” What is this? Your should clarify. This ill will, poor treatment, hazing, etc. “she has and will experience something they will get to (see?) only a few times in their lives. “Margot’s lack of positive emotion poses an undesirable trait her classmates would want in a friend.” Can you state this line in a more concise way? Leave some time to edit and think about ways to simplify your sentences to make the essay easier to read. Overall, good job. Make sure you work inside the time limit. That catches more than a few students. Don’t let it be you!